Texts From Last Night · missleading's Favorites

missleading's Favorites Texts:

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(530): View more from California

and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(419): View more from Ohio

your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(913): View more from Kansas

You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(865): View more from Tennessee

mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.

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(650): View more from California

Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(815): View more from Illinois

Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(714): View more from California

I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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(626): View more from California

Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(917): View more from New York City

He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(806): View more from Texas

How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(913): View more from Kansas

No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(626): View more from California

I bet he comes in French.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(707): View more from California

i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(765): View more from Indiana

A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(914): View more from New York

you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...

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(334): View more from Alabama

Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(845): View more from New York

My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!

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(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

(1-334): View more from Alabama

You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(714): View more from California

So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(845): View more from New York

Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!

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(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(813): View more from Florida

No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.

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(951): View more from California

Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(805): View more from California

I just tipped a bartender in xanax.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.

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(415): View more from California

My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(310): View more from California

I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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(613): View more from Ontario

There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(520): View more from Arizona

while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.

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(716): View more from New York

So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?

(1-716): View more from New York

I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her

(716): View more from New York

Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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(480): View more from Arizona

oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(812): View more from Indiana

she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

thatta girl

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(515): View more from Iowa

brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(210): View more from Texas

she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?

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(515): View more from Iowa

The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I tried to use my car keys to open my door

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I just started a sentence with yellow.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(614): View more from Ohio

god. i hate danny gokey.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.

(614): View more from Ohio

he's mormon right? lame.

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(301): View more from Maryland

please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(650): View more from California

Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.

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(917): View more from New York City

All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(706): View more from Georgia

i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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(817): View more from Texas

is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(248): View more from Michigan

..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete

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(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(802): View more from Vermont

elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.

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(817): View more from Texas

So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?

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(917): View more from New York City

Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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(212): View more from New York

where am i from again

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(817): View more from Texas

If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono

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(510): View more from California

watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations

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(912): View more from Georgia

i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar

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(323): View more from California

Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(315): View more from New York

Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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