Texts From Last Night

mickeysmith24's Favorites Texts:

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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
  Replies (32) Good night (12424) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
  Replies (30) Good night (10258) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.

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  (916): I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745. http://tfl.nu/vvre
  Replies (4) Good night (1074) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.

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  (512): I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up. http://tfl.nu/4fq7
  Replies (14) Good night (408) Bad night (2002) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination

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  (516): just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination http://tfl.nu/dj79
  Replies (30) Good night (4237) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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  (540): Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone (1-540): I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her http://tfl.nu/pf86
  Replies (26) Good night (3434) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

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  (603): Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight. http://tfl.nu/r24v
  Replies (16) Good night (1758) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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  (513): I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem" http://tfl.nu/bkek
  Replies (4) Good night (1661) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

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  (281): Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips. http://tfl.nu/z4q3
  Replies (7) Good night (1071) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
  Replies (10) Good night (1283) Bad night (2764) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer

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  (757): FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer http://tfl.nu/zfwz
  Replies (13) Good night (1492) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Adult decisions.

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  (206): Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility? (206): Adult decisions. http://tfl.nu/m22f
  Replies (3) Good night (1605) Bad night (642)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

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  (414): could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor? http://tfl.nu/bpu5
  Replies (8) Good night (1156) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
  Replies (79) Good night (13438) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet

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  (920): If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet http://tfl.nu/w7lt
  Replies (3) Good night (1705) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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  (205): i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers http://tfl.nu/g3p7
  Replies (25) Good night (6414) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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  (651): Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me" (612): Drunk you is pretty stunner. http://tfl.nu/hyj5
  Replies (9) Good night (3738) Bad night (521)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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  (203): She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday. (917): Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA. http://tfl.nu/ow5e
  Replies (11) Good night (8634) Bad night (765)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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  (573): We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition. http://tfl.nu/1p20
  Replies (7) Good night (1769) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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  (323): Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it. http://tfl.nu/2u3k
  Replies (8) Good night (2433) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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  (508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic" http://tfl.nu/1wpy
  Replies (29) Good night (2171) Bad night (2789) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

  (415): View more from California

  Recession joke.

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  (415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99 (415): Recession joke. http://tfl.nu/0g53
  Replies (10) Good night (2547) Bad night (390)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink

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  (586): hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink http://tfl.nu/wrew
  Replies (4) Good night (1917) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
  Replies (12) Good night (7679) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
  Replies (37) Good night (17747) Bad night (805) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?

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  (740): how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian? http://tfl.nu/pz5v
  Replies (94) Good night (4181) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.

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  (505): I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously. http://tfl.nu/fpp3
  Replies (23) Good night (2737) Bad night (513)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i can't wait to go to hell

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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  (248): i can't wait to go to hell (1-248): yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure http://tfl.nu/7pwb
  Replies (2) Good night (1151) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  how was your day?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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  (850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf
  Replies (20) Good night (8838) Bad night (548)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.

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  (214): Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry. http://tfl.nu/h3dm
  Replies (20) Good night (2275) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
  Replies (19) Good night (6096) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  What are you drinking?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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  (678): What are you drinking? (404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL http://tfl.nu/iqly
  Replies (54) Good night (1268) Bad night (2346)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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  (903): Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything. http://tfl.nu/euxa
  Replies (9) Good night (5092) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
  Replies (129) Good night (13789) Bad night (2635) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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  (423): I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk http://tfl.nu/ntyc
  Replies (18) Good night (2239) Bad night (1324) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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  (239): When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up. http://tfl.nu/gf96
  Replies (19) Good night (5749) Bad night (556)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow

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  (770): i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow http://tfl.nu/owei
  Replies (102) Good night (5032) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy

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  (901): Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy http://tfl.nu/xs8r
  Replies (7) Good night (2049) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  What are we going to do tonight?

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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  (919): What are we going to do tonight? (704): What we try to do every night. Take over the world http://tfl.nu/y4va
  Replies (30) Good night (3807) Bad night (332)
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  (408): View more from California

  Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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  (408): Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling. http://tfl.nu/ek2q
  Replies (26) Good night (569) Bad night (4064) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (7764) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
  Replies (50) Good night (23024) Bad night (1292) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.

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  (203): my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath. http://tfl.nu/lzk1
  Replies (9) Good night (966) Bad night (2750) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  These are the tickets we got last night.

  (361): View more from Texas

  Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Yes...yes you did.

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  (361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen? (1-361): These are the tickets we got last night. (361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear? (1-361): Yes...yes you did. http://tfl.nu/myva
  Replies (25) Good night (3972) Bad night (338)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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  (615): so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me http://tfl.nu/hnft
  Replies (47) Good night (899) Bad night (2624) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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  (615): Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY! http://tfl.nu/jz8m
  Replies (21) Good night (551) Bad night (3868) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  my being single is dangerous.

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  (561): my being single is dangerous. http://tfl.nu/5ief
  Replies (24) Good night (4776) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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  (401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever. http://tfl.nu/cy9z
  Replies (195) Good night (10195) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
  Replies (12) Good night (5176) Bad night (914)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
  Replies (57) Good night (11550) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Life is so much better after having sex.

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  (858): Life is so much better after having sex. http://tfl.nu/blju
  Replies (39) Good night (10857) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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  (206): It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to http://tfl.nu/3nm2
  Replies (9) Good night (4703) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
  Replies (37) Good night (9735) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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  (270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower http://tfl.nu/ihik
  Replies (17) Good night (6761) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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  (813): Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room? http://tfl.nu/bp9i
  Replies (14) Good night (4599) Bad night (1993) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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  (517): She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name... http://tfl.nu/ngxr
  Replies (17) Good night (4430) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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  (504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. http://tfl.nu/jn1k
  Replies (30) Good night (6196) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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  (716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm
  Replies (19) Good night (1116) Bad night (5180)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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  (914): Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary. http://tfl.nu/8dm9
  Replies (44) Good night (5103) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

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  (785): I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man http://tfl.nu/ay55
  Replies (10) Good night (2326) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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  (714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality. http://tfl.nu/yabq
  Replies (10) Good night (492) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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  (708): his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button http://tfl.nu/86ps
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
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  (352): View more from Florida

  So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.

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  (352): So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated. http://tfl.nu/ef34
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Tonite tequila might call you

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Be prepared

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  (802): Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone (802): Tonite tequila might call you (802): Be prepared http://tfl.nu/qx1s
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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  (703): There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse. http://tfl.nu/1du4
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  (818): View more from California

  I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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  (818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch. http://tfl.nu/o7me
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal

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  (816): You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal http://tfl.nu/06xx
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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  (615): jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell http://tfl.nu/zqhf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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  (+45): Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired. http://tfl.nu/rbaa
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

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  (208): Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids. http://tfl.nu/l7h3
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  (310): View more from California

  Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."

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  (310): Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz." http://tfl.nu/9mw5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here

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  (508): Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here http://tfl.nu/nzus
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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  (503): I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it" http://tfl.nu/ynj0
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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  (650): i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ss3s
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.

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  (954): Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song. http://tfl.nu/556m
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.

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  (+27): I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork. http://tfl.nu/lbeq
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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  (586): the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable http://tfl.nu/6hw3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.

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  (901): i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation. http://tfl.nu/cktw
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.

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  (901): great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts. http://tfl.nu/3wub
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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  (901): I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus. http://tfl.nu/pp37
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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  (704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass. http://tfl.nu/jig4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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  (908): just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/nghc
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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  (757): I murdered the dance floor call the cops http://tfl.nu/jwsp
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  (512): View more from Texas

  just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  pretty standard. you have fun last night?

  (512): View more from Texas

  apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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  (512): just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long? (1-512): pretty standard. you have fun last night? (512): apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean? (1-512): typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat. http://tfl.nu/ntbz
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  (408): View more from California

  I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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  (408): I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible http://tfl.nu/my4k
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  (818): View more from California

  You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

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  (818): You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf. http://tfl.nu/hkre
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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  (856): you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb http://tfl.nu/benk
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

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  (205): Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you http://tfl.nu/nk9c
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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  (613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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  (303): I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete. http://tfl.nu/q4l5
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover

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  (763): i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover http://tfl.nu/a65k
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.

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  (301): White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss. http://tfl.nu/246p
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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  (419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl. http://tfl.nu/cxal
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  (561): View more from Florida

  definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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  (561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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  (203): Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed. http://tfl.nu/aqi9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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  (816): Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it http://tfl.nu/hlut
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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  (256): A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality http://tfl.nu/65cw
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  (949): View more from California

  It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth

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  (949): It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth http://tfl.nu/i6ri
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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  (847): I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem http://tfl.nu/9xlk
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (315): View more from New York

  just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again

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  (315): just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again http://tfl.nu/dkz6
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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  (402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem.. http://tfl.nu/fbwf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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  (617): They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka http://tfl.nu/47bx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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  (847): The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job http://tfl.nu/ki5a
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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  (412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3
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  (979): View more from Texas

  How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

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  (979): How sober do you have to be to donate blood? http://tfl.nu/9d8c
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.

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  (303): I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit. http://tfl.nu/klcc
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  (518): View more from New York

  just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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  (518): just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her http://tfl.nu/hb22
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm drunk

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Is that why you're texting me

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Yes

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  (405): I'm drunk (615): Is that why you're texting me (405): Yes http://tfl.nu/5xy8
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  (817): View more from Texas

  My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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  (817): My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give. http://tfl.nu/lewe
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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  (412): it was like getting a handjob from robocop http://tfl.nu/4yuu
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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  (949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8
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  (406): View more from Montana

  When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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  (406): When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up. http://tfl.nu/pzz5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.

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  (313): We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure. http://tfl.nu/sjew
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

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  (814): i live my life in a constant state of hangover. http://tfl.nu/0mdg
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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  (773): Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices. http://tfl.nu/v05l
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  (310): View more from California

  I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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  (310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you. http://tfl.nu/ohi7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My liver just broke up with me...

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  (303): My liver just broke up with me... http://tfl.nu/2vsq
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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  (902): Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight. http://tfl.nu/0w7l
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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  (623): everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls. http://tfl.nu/6oxa
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women

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  (614): Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once? (410): Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women http://tfl.nu/hhx6
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Yah man, that place is surreal

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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  (801): Yah man, that place is surreal (731): Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal? http://tfl.nu/sga3
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.

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  (770): "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea. http://tfl.nu/i0ux
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

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  (709): ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing http://tfl.nu/8uai
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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  (910): I just made Jack Daniels snow cones. http://tfl.nu/ca8x
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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  (580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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  (605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  69 |D_O

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  wtf does that mean??

  (602): View more from Arizona

  it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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  (602): 69 |D_O (1-602): wtf does that mean?? (602): it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently" http://tfl.nu/6ega
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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  (541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed. http://tfl.nu/54wn
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (805): View more from California

  My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.

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  (805): My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years. http://tfl.nu/zmw5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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  (203): We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved. http://tfl.nu/1hyb
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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  (407): Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night. http://tfl.nu/8tsr
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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  (843): she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights". http://tfl.nu/6efw
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  (281): View more from Texas

  seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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  (281): seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout http://tfl.nu/w9k1
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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  (251): So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night. http://tfl.nu/7pk1
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

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  (901): I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl" http://tfl.nu/soyj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  I absolutely love you.

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  (360): We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it. (1-360): I absolutely love you. http://tfl.nu/vd5p
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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  (301): dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist http://tfl.nu/26ue
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  (914): View more from New York

  we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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  (914): we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was. http://tfl.nu/57fr
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

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  (407): I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA. http://tfl.nu/w336
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

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  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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  (810): kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking. http://tfl.nu/av4y
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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  (240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm lost and stupid without you.

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  (708): I'm lost and stupid without you. http://tfl.nu/d04q
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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  (240): stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing. http://tfl.nu/y30j
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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  (517): Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever. http://tfl.nu/mubr
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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  (630): it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up. http://tfl.nu/l5tu
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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  (260): Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes http://tfl.nu/dtzq
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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  (503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck. http://tfl.nu/nubl
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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  (205): I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab. http://tfl.nu/cf76
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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  (504): i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed http://tfl.nu/6hho
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  (914): View more from New York

  she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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  (914): she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob. http://tfl.nu/q7jj
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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  (609): did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? http://tfl.nu/qlm2
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
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  (818): View more from California

  I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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  (818): I hate you but I'm not in hate with you http://tfl.nu/vrzb
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  (585): View more from New York

  i'm signing you up for texting rehab

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  (585): i'm signing you up for texting rehab http://tfl.nu/wf7t
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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  (971): I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger. http://tfl.nu/97wz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day

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  (508): I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day http://tfl.nu/qyf0
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

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  (702): as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor.... http://tfl.nu/g9pf
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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  (862): It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy. http://tfl.nu/1k8y
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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  (917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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  (850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen http://tfl.nu/1apt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

  (210): View more from Texas

  S P E L L C H E C K

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  No you dumbass thats not right

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  (808): how do you spell 'special'? like slow? (210): S P E L L C H E C K (808): No you dumbass thats not right http://tfl.nu/z6b5
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Im going to research this theory. . .

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  (224): Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex' (224): Im going to research this theory. . . http://tfl.nu/7c0k
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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  (717): Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag. http://tfl.nu/8k5h
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  (714): View more from California

  that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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  (714): that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place. http://tfl.nu/ev8p
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

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  (505): My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though. http://tfl.nu/1gr0
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.

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  (413): I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets. http://tfl.nu/8b9j
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  (585): View more from New York

  its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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  (585): its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/jjii
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

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  (856): I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full. http://tfl.nu/pi6t
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks

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  (901): Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks http://tfl.nu/a6p7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.

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  (517): i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall. http://tfl.nu/lpwz
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  (914): View more from New York

  how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes

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  (914): how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes http://tfl.nu/ebav
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Thursdays are my worst days

  (1-416): View more from Ontario

  but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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  (416): Thursdays are my worst days (1-416): but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay? http://tfl.nu/vmle
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?

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  (860): He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended? http://tfl.nu/s6ms
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

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  (708): He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam.. http://tfl.nu/opqs
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
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  (310): View more from California

  YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

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  (310): YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??! http://tfl.nu/ltdu
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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  (704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie. http://tfl.nu/rp9b
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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  (724): Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers http://tfl.nu/1uct
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

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  (817): You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target. http://tfl.nu/enj6
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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  (615): I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us. http://tfl.nu/3t30
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  (818): View more from California

  she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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  (818): she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick http://tfl.nu/e1f8
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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  (502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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  (812): About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix. http://tfl.nu/c1od
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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  (574): My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall. http://tfl.nu/kdj3
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  (646): View more from New York

  He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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  (646): He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was. http://tfl.nu/uwpx
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.

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  (201): she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake. http://tfl.nu/meow
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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  (720): the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat. http://tfl.nu/19vn
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We need to talk about our relationship.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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  (575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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  (703): If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house? http://tfl.nu/eww0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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  (978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially. http://tfl.nu/gw0l
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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  (701): does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat? http://tfl.nu/hd1u
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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  (402): What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho. http://tfl.nu/a5a8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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  (303): I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all. http://tfl.nu/c3dm
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  (805): View more from California

  i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover

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  (805): i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover http://tfl.nu/9f4v
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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  (214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me. http://tfl.nu/otui
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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  (773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader. http://tfl.nu/8khu
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

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  (970): I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina http://tfl.nu/bmhg
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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  (215): Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire. http://tfl.nu/xwgk
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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  (971): Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin. http://tfl.nu/6hx6
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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  (304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c
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  (310): View more from California

  i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets

  (818): View more from California

  julia child would be proud.

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  (310): i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets (818): julia child would be proud. http://tfl.nu/gv9u
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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  (502): She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her. http://tfl.nu/ymnu
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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  (860): You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people. http://tfl.nu/iay5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.

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  (512): If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch. http://tfl.nu/hocy
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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  (321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one. http://tfl.nu/vil5
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with

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  (919): great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with http://tfl.nu/d2kg
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

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  (281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy http://tfl.nu/yz4e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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  (203): I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour. http://tfl.nu/xoad
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who'd you have sex with.

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  (610): terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions. (1-610): who'd you have sex with. http://tfl.nu/97tl
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm

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  (203): too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm http://tfl.nu/fqzs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

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  (314): we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them. http://tfl.nu/5z6d
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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  (712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.

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  (719): If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks. http://tfl.nu/p2ad
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  (979): View more from Texas

  so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.

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  (979): so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together. http://tfl.nu/dxc5
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  (305): View more from Florida

  If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?

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  (305): If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette? http://tfl.nu/wdb5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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  (850): Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day. http://tfl.nu/xqgd
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  (805): View more from California

  I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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  (805): I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form. http://tfl.nu/c7k9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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  (703): the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression http://tfl.nu/ti0p
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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  (717): They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had http://tfl.nu/qmkc
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.

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  (512): I'm so hungover that the internet is hard. http://tfl.nu/0l8c
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  (914): View more from New York

  Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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  (914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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  (919): I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka http://tfl.nu/i4zm
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  (801): View more from Utah

  i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?

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  (801): i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick? http://tfl.nu/a1dv
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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  (410): I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism http://tfl.nu/m451
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  (516): View more from New York

  Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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  (516): Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system http://tfl.nu/i7jp
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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  (508): Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend. http://tfl.nu/c0jn
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  (669): View more from California

  I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.

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  (669): I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation. http://tfl.nu/imft
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  (940): View more from Texas

  it's like heaven, but drunker

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  (940): it's like heaven, but drunker http://tfl.nu/yzff
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  (858): View more from California

  I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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  (858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it. http://tfl.nu/e9ge
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my phone cant type all the emotion im having

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  (203): my phone cant type all the emotion im having http://tfl.nu/rfn6
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."

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  (989): I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him." http://tfl.nu/yg5c
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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  (570): If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning. http://tfl.nu/0ep2
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.

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  (502): Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication. http://tfl.nu/d8fz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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  (508): I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick http://tfl.nu/wbrv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals

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  (206): Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals http://tfl.nu/cfxk
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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  (732): i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter http://tfl.nu/90no
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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  (561): I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?" http://tfl.nu/1qvw
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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  (302): Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up. http://tfl.nu/hjt8
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  (916): View more from California

  I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.

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  (916): I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time. http://tfl.nu/hsnu
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  (845): View more from New York

  my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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  (845): my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie http://tfl.nu/7ez3
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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  (305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever (615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister http://tfl.nu/5zux
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  (347): View more from New York

  Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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  (347): Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account. http://tfl.nu/m8a3
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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  (401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards? http://tfl.nu/ktqz
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  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

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  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
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  (347): View more from New York

  I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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  (347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth. http://tfl.nu/tax7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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