Texts From Last Night · luckymintfriday's Favorites

luckymintfriday's Favorites Texts:

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(812): View more from Indiana

Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

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(503): View more from Oregon

still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(208): View more from Idaho

No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(519): View more from Ontario

his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(323): View more from California

Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?

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(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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(303): View more from Colorado

Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(763): View more from Minnesota

dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve

(608): View more from Wisconsin

clearly you are not from wisconsin

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(940): View more from Texas

there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(925): View more from California

Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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