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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hippo gnu deer
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Umm I'm too high to move.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
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