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when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I didn't notice because vodka
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
As shirtless as possible
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He better not be in your backpack
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
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