Texts From Last Night · lightblue95's Favorites

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(949): View more from California

Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.

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(949): Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities. http://tfl.nu/bc5t

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(509): View more from Washington

Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes

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(509): Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes http://tfl.nu/fkbb

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(215): took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours http://tfl.nu/otx8

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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(763): Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up. (763): I just baked them cookies. We're friends now. http://tfl.nu/27t6

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Not worth it.

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(973): She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene. (1-973): Not worth it. http://tfl.nu/l4pk

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified

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(603): More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified http://tfl.nu/si7g

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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(250): I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki http://tfl.nu/rhok

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.

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(905): I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do. http://tfl.nu/nqbr

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.

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(403): I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress. http://tfl.nu/setw

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(315): View more from New York

I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun

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(315): I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun http://tfl.nu/s1lu

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(413): he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand http://tfl.nu/zcon

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(770): good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed. http://tfl.nu/g7ri

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(319): View more from Iowa

After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.

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(319): After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it. http://tfl.nu/4aze

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(231): View more from Michigan

the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants

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(231): the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants http://tfl.nu/ctb5

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

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(479): Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me http://tfl.nu/g33s

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(281): View more from Texas

Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap

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(281): Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap http://tfl.nu/xw89

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.

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(570): He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall. http://tfl.nu/bycp

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(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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(972): I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me. http://tfl.nu/5z1z

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.

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(724): The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants. http://tfl.nu/3mi5

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.

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(724): They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now. http://tfl.nu/wmrg

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(210): View more from Texas

when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"

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(210): when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug" http://tfl.nu/5kj7

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(503): View more from Oregon

Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.

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(503): Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow. http://tfl.nu/26gh

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right

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(+44): I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right http://tfl.nu/f22x

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(405): I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/on2x

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.

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(307): Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory. http://tfl.nu/grsq

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(519): I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT. http://tfl.nu/zwn2

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(804): View more from Virginia

Parents weekend was a success.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...

(804): View more from Virginia

Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.

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(804): Parents weekend was a success. (973): Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success... (804): Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend. http://tfl.nu/9gkg

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(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

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(425): come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee http://tfl.nu/e993

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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(320): I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early .... http://tfl.nu/6r9w

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(406): View more from Montana

i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes

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(406): i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes http://tfl.nu/smno

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(770): View more from Georgia

Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.

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(770): Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer. http://tfl.nu/3cyq

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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(780): Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it... http://tfl.nu/howp

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(772): how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground? http://tfl.nu/issb

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(989): View more from Michigan

Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?

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(989): Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door? http://tfl.nu/0vtl

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.

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(203): The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/eiym

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(281): View more from Texas

Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

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(281): Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips. http://tfl.nu/z4q3

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.

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(705): I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it. http://tfl.nu/m045

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(630): He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective http://tfl.nu/wbyh

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(786): hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth! http://tfl.nu/9piv

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(519): View more from Ontario

That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded

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(519): That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded http://tfl.nu/gpq0

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(480): Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT. http://tfl.nu/l2cm

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(360): Im 95% ready to shit behind 711 http://tfl.nu/2mf3

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.

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(501): I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet. http://tfl.nu/tfvj

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(979): View more from Texas

Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.

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(979): Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life. http://tfl.nu/s5ox

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.

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(314): I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket. http://tfl.nu/rkm9

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(908): You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution. http://tfl.nu/9oem

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(216): View more from Ohio

Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse

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(216): Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse http://tfl.nu/es8j

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(936): View more from Texas

Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.

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(936): Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us. http://tfl.nu/b09c

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(937): View more from Ohio

No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.

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(937): No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie. http://tfl.nu/4p3o

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.

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(405): I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering. http://tfl.nu/13ve

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(978): IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES. http://tfl.nu/cxji

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(203): I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads (1-203): Like Teddy Roosevelt http://tfl.nu/jrby

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(979): View more from Texas

There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.

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(979): There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer. http://tfl.nu/lpls

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(519): View more from Ontario

Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.

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(519): Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him. http://tfl.nu/z0om

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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(778): I woke up with glitter in my wounds. http://tfl.nu/r4io

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(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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(316): You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath. http://tfl.nu/tem9

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(954): The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now http://tfl.nu/qowj

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(231): View more from Michigan

You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.

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(231): You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes. http://tfl.nu/m034

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.

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(780): So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/v5ij

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(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

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(952): and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame http://tfl.nu/7sdj

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on

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(717): I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on http://tfl.nu/s4r4

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(910): In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic. (919): RIP Mr Bojangles. http://tfl.nu/00j7

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.

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(814): I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer. http://tfl.nu/ef74

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(970): View more from Colorado

I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

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(970): I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me. http://tfl.nu/ryot

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack

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(217): I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack http://tfl.nu/dmpk

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(610): She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her. http://tfl.nu/io76

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(214): View more from Texas

I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said

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(214): I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said http://tfl.nu/i92d

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(506): Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on http://tfl.nu/ntvw

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(831): View more from California

The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.

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(831): The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/bj5u

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(386): And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur http://tfl.nu/llqd

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(347): View more from New York

ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.

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(347): ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down. http://tfl.nu/rocj

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(425): WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?! http://tfl.nu/ccm6

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(802): Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants. http://tfl.nu/qi2o

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(703): screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko. http://tfl.nu/s10e

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?

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(859): I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!? http://tfl.nu/cr9e

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(+44): One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend. http://tfl.nu/kcdy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Internet Is back!

(860): View more from Connecticut

MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.

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(860): CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS. (508): Internet Is back! (860): MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS. http://tfl.nu/a6kg

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(805): View more from California

Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.

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(805): Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea. http://tfl.nu/87ng

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(503): I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken. http://tfl.nu/j72e

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(503): I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!? http://tfl.nu/h2a2

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night

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(781): There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night http://tfl.nu/6b77

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(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

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(925): Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often. (1-925): If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough. http://tfl.nu/t59l

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(570): I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem. http://tfl.nu/6woq

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(812): View more from Indiana

This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.

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(812): This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip. http://tfl.nu/lk0s

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying

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(717): best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying http://tfl.nu/r0td

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(207): View more from Maine

I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does

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(207): I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does http://tfl.nu/xjqc

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.

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(612): I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot. http://tfl.nu/k764

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(708): View more from Illinois

There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.

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(708): There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit. http://tfl.nu/svzs

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(559): We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child. http://tfl.nu/mund

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(734): View more from Michigan

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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(734): you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you. http://tfl.nu/57kx

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(215): I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse. http://tfl.nu/a9fq

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.

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(+44): Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea. http://tfl.nu/w3ht

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(626): I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner http://tfl.nu/0q4j

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(248): we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies http://tfl.nu/8d5i

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.

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(303): i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned. http://tfl.nu/e449

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(647): Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics (416): But that's half the fun of it http://tfl.nu/vf29

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

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(202): We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open. http://tfl.nu/2rgi

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(678): View more from Georgia

ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

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(678): ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend. http://tfl.nu/yswq

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(619): View more from California

I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.

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(619): I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca. http://tfl.nu/7xxl

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(773): View more from Illinois

Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.

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(773): Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/vvjh

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.

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(615): Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3. http://tfl.nu/3wgo

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(303): Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever. http://tfl.nu/tsdi

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious

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(813): I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious http://tfl.nu/g6os

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?

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(860): Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night? http://tfl.nu/99ew

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags

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(610): I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags http://tfl.nu/4wxr

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(760): View more from California

Houston, we have a blender

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(760): Houston, we have a blender http://tfl.nu/azdt

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(330): The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life. http://tfl.nu/qfsl

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(862): She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone http://tfl.nu/c8bq

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean

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(802): Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean http://tfl.nu/dmnd

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(916): I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up http://tfl.nu/ccq8

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(512): View more from Texas

Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.

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(512): Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it. http://tfl.nu/4ruk

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(207): View more from Maine

Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.

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(207): Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america. http://tfl.nu/yc3t

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(310): View more from California

Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes

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(310): Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes http://tfl.nu/a2gi

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(804): View more from Virginia

They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.

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(804): They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source. http://tfl.nu/hphy

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(210): She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream," http://tfl.nu/rf9x

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(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

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(720): yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer. http://tfl.nu/fsjr

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(720): View more from Colorado

July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.

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(720): July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions. http://tfl.nu/elfr

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.

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(859): I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there. http://tfl.nu/fp94

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(216): View more from Ohio

There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.

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(216): There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us. http://tfl.nu/2y42

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(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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(613): I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.." http://tfl.nu/n3mo

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?

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(603): Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night? http://tfl.nu/gcf5

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(650): Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished http://tfl.nu/z9y5

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(774): Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on http://tfl.nu/movk

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(206): I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table http://tfl.nu/jkfk

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did I wake up holding food tongs?

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(570): Why did I wake up holding food tongs? http://tfl.nu/i1yj

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(416): dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross (647): well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun http://tfl.nu/i4zj

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(951): View more from California

what ever happened to devon sawa?

(415): View more from California

fuck...who knows?

(951): View more from California

i'm really worried about him.

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(951): what ever happened to devon sawa? (415): fuck...who knows? (951): i'm really worried about him. http://tfl.nu/sfvp

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(310): View more from California

The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?

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(310): The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know? http://tfl.nu/ihts

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(513): 2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless. http://tfl.nu/7smn

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(970): View more from Colorado

just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

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(970): just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast? http://tfl.nu/o6g0

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(916): whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door http://tfl.nu/x1rj

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(980): View more from North Carolina

It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.

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(980): It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire. http://tfl.nu/zb3d

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(602): View more from Arizona

the head trauma was worth the blowjob.

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(602): the head trauma was worth the blowjob. http://tfl.nu/e9mc

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(267): so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted http://tfl.nu/13lv

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(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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(518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl

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(702): View more from Nevada

she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.

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(702): she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves. http://tfl.nu/b0kq

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(469): Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick http://tfl.nu/zqfp

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(973): View more from New Jersey

too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

(507): View more from Minnesota

she is a standing ovation.

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(973): too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face. (507): she is a standing ovation. http://tfl.nu/6atu

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(605): The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere. http://tfl.nu/hx43

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(949): View more from California

Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.

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(949): Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude. http://tfl.nu/kuta

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(248): thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm http://tfl.nu/wrnu

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah, where have you been?

(407): View more from Florida

Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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(978): Yeah, where have you been? (407): Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus. http://tfl.nu/jpxm

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(+44): I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving http://tfl.nu/jxug

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(512): View more from Texas

remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning

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(512): remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning http://tfl.nu/4vog

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(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

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(917): I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever. http://tfl.nu/rwuq

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8

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(810): View more from Michigan

Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..

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(810): Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall.. http://tfl.nu/5ec3

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.

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(303): I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/2lff

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(561): View more from Florida

It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.

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(561): It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out. http://tfl.nu/g5y4

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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(617): you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again http://tfl.nu/3f6n

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(818): View more from California

It's like a parade of train wrecks.

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(818): It's like a parade of train wrecks. http://tfl.nu/4fe9

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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(570): hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help. http://tfl.nu/nfdk

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.

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(952): I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was. http://tfl.nu/9bfo

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(815): View more from Illinois

shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug

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(815): shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug http://tfl.nu/1b7i

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(678): I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities. http://tfl.nu/k0mm

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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(856): Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job http://tfl.nu/pld4

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(313): View more from Michigan

At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?

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(313): At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit? http://tfl.nu/h53l

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(402): View more from Nebraska

2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.

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(402): 2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America. http://tfl.nu/5vl1

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe

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(760): View more from California

I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"

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(760): I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND" http://tfl.nu/svwt

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(406): View more from Montana

I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.

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(406): I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead. http://tfl.nu/61nj

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.

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(715): I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro. http://tfl.nu/7eu0

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(315): some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad. http://tfl.nu/fabc

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(775): You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun. http://tfl.nu/rs7k

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(585): they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too http://tfl.nu/0m73

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(281): View more from Texas

You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.

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(281): You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop. http://tfl.nu/puvx

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(716): IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again. http://tfl.nu/cfdh

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(406): well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded http://tfl.nu/5ng8

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(937): View more from Ohio

A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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(937): A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/4mc3

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

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(973): Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often. http://tfl.nu/x0j2

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(814): Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly.... http://tfl.nu/m1mg

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(623): View more from Arizona

im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.

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(623): im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet. http://tfl.nu/it1a

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(845): View more from New York

Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived

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(845): Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived http://tfl.nu/83e2

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(619): Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him.. http://tfl.nu/bqg4

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(510): View more from California

He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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(510): He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast? http://tfl.nu/9c24

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(860): We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys http://tfl.nu/i7wv

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(315): View more from New York

my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless

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(315): my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless http://tfl.nu/2wfy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(978): He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment. http://tfl.nu/fwul

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(440): yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything. http://tfl.nu/2obm

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(970): View more from Colorado

we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!

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(970): we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate! http://tfl.nu/w8sf

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(423): no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet. http://tfl.nu/ph90

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(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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(623): We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight http://tfl.nu/am5b

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(919): Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok. http://tfl.nu/xw7f

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(903): View more from Texas

Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.

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(903): Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high. http://tfl.nu/bi94

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(519): i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here http://tfl.nu/yje7

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(503): bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing? http://tfl.nu/vn0z

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(252): View more from North Carolina

OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.

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(252): OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD. http://tfl.nu/ob5y

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(207): View more from Maine

Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.

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(207): Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin. http://tfl.nu/qu7f

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(845): There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help. (845): Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me. http://tfl.nu/1wp4

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(713): View more from Texas

The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.

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(713): The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever. http://tfl.nu/rdxs

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(623): View more from Arizona

its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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(623): its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything.. http://tfl.nu/87ir

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(913): View more from Kansas

Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?

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(913): Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar? http://tfl.nu/6f8e

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know

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(732): There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know http://tfl.nu/hfe3

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(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

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(240): Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me. http://tfl.nu/zpby

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(919): what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl" (1-919): "bouncy castle" http://tfl.nu/3vde

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(360): Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head. http://tfl.nu/n0gh

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(772): View more from Florida

Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.

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(772): Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication. http://tfl.nu/cb9g

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(301): View more from Maryland

no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.

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(301): no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue. http://tfl.nu/bg75

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.

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(440): I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan. http://tfl.nu/ypf4

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(360): View more from Washington

i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.

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(360): i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident. http://tfl.nu/ming

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

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(847): I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms http://tfl.nu/d1qk

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today

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(519): I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today http://tfl.nu/56ng

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(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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(716): Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests. http://tfl.nu/12h2

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(618): View more from Illinois

I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.

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(618): I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/619k

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(928): I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas! http://tfl.nu/f207

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(417): Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by. http://tfl.nu/hvbu

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

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(316): I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants. http://tfl.nu/tqrn

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(845): View more from New York

Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.

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(845): Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer. http://tfl.nu/vrnz

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(916): let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again. http://tfl.nu/i76s

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(732): View more from New Jersey

WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?

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(732): WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"? http://tfl.nu/186c

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(763): The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins. http://tfl.nu/k74l

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(850): View more from Florida

....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP

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(850): ....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP http://tfl.nu/qpvz

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????

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(704): How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How???? http://tfl.nu/5jk2

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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(402): Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series http://tfl.nu/c4pq

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(312): View more from Illinois

please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children

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(312): please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children http://tfl.nu/5h1t

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(505): Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait. http://tfl.nu/lp7a

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

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(774): I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby (617): your completely serious http://tfl.nu/nhex

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(530): View more from California

i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

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(530): i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome http://tfl.nu/b710

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(813): Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b. http://tfl.nu/ahce

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(+35): View more from

Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?

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(+35): Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck? http://tfl.nu/h4m7

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.

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(720): Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda. http://tfl.nu/08yd

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(214): Come over. Drunk tacos. (1-214): That isn't even a sentence. (214): I kept the important parts. http://tfl.nu/2pq0

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(813): The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth. http://tfl.nu/4ea8

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(352): I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern. http://tfl.nu/54kf

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(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

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(619): I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner. http://tfl.nu/1na9

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(903): We talked him into tasing himself. http://tfl.nu/jtjc

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone

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(609): I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone http://tfl.nu/cpqs

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(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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(516): I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos http://tfl.nu/9ruo

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.

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(606): I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm. http://tfl.nu/129h

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree

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(215): i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree http://tfl.nu/vm1y

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance

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(919): Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance http://tfl.nu/6t4u

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(218): View more from Minnesota

just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.

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(218): just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high. http://tfl.nu/mss3

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(256): Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO. http://tfl.nu/k62i

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(812): I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking. http://tfl.nu/z4xo

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.

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(918): We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it. http://tfl.nu/eha8

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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(+44): If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse. http://tfl.nu/1ru8

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(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

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(802): I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger http://tfl.nu/yrot

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

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(580): And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities. http://tfl.nu/eu72

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(323): He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated http://tfl.nu/z16t

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.

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(508): he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him. http://tfl.nu/d83n

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(785): Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy http://tfl.nu/oyu4

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(201): Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory. http://tfl.nu/a6d4

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(510): In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going... http://tfl.nu/8b0c

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(803): I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me. http://tfl.nu/ijqd

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.

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(404): I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach. http://tfl.nu/8lzh

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(301): I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2dnv

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(724): Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex. http://tfl.nu/opu2

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(845): Did you bedazzle the elevator? http://tfl.nu/4rct

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..

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(920): False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over.. http://tfl.nu/vzuj

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(347): View more from New York

It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself

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(347): It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself http://tfl.nu/qcs9

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(+64): I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked. http://tfl.nu/59qo

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(717): he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys. http://tfl.nu/b5qg

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(631): i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill http://tfl.nu/bzs5

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(414): Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests. http://tfl.nu/dptn

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

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(407): I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers http://tfl.nu/i49j

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(714): View more from California

My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin

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(714): My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin http://tfl.nu/22om

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(313): There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding http://tfl.nu/91sj

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(509): View more from Washington

I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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(509): I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier. http://tfl.nu/0psb

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(803): Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there. http://tfl.nu/xmpv

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(928): View more from Arizona

Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture

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(928): Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture http://tfl.nu/vg21

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(570): Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." .. http://tfl.nu/4q08

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it

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(717): And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it http://tfl.nu/tlm9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(973): I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today? http://tfl.nu/iuhq

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

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(+44): I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it. http://tfl.nu/jqgn

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(319): View more from Iowa

You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me

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(319): You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me http://tfl.nu/8yrv

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.

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(603): All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident. http://tfl.nu/iw55

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(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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(573): You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad. http://tfl.nu/q4da

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.

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(203): There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that. http://tfl.nu/napz

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(316): View more from Kansas

Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first

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(316): Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first http://tfl.nu/7abn

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(949): View more from California

Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.

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(949): Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive. http://tfl.nu/to91

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(604): There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop. http://tfl.nu/phgu

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(714): View more from California

I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.

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(714): I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through. http://tfl.nu/cb3b

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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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(214): It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils. http://tfl.nu/mamt

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(708): I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer? http://tfl.nu/8pri

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(440): View more from Ohio

the ladder is at the bottom of the pool

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(440): the ladder is at the bottom of the pool http://tfl.nu/1udk

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(713): View more from Texas

That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

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(713): That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me. http://tfl.nu/mvmi

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

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(613): New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would. http://tfl.nu/oc0p

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(818): View more from California

we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.

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(818): we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices. http://tfl.nu/8xc8

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(603): Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza. (1-603): How did you break your hand eating pizza? (603): Boxes are hard to see rocks through. http://tfl.nu/kquz

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(519): View more from Ontario

he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.

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(519): he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today. http://tfl.nu/4qok

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

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(306): you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue". http://tfl.nu/bqgp

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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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(772): You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list. http://tfl.nu/hcyy

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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(724): we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman http://tfl.nu/wgol

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(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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(209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

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(250): Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed. http://tfl.nu/6hpj

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(401): We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other http://tfl.nu/z80n

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(510): View more from California

He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?

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(510): He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing? http://tfl.nu/wg1w

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(814): Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer http://tfl.nu/nk2m

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(917): Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night? http://tfl.nu/29mg

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(765): I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me. http://tfl.nu/y0cn

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.

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(709): The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave. http://tfl.nu/fq86

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(618): This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money. http://tfl.nu/bov0

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(814): DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen http://tfl.nu/glfa

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(561): View more from Florida

The beers last night were like the tears from god

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(561): The beers last night were like the tears from god http://tfl.nu/bni8

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(860): View more from Connecticut

omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

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(860): omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning. http://tfl.nu/wknn

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(717): found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it (1-717): where the hell would u of bought a deer http://tfl.nu/semf

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(310): View more from California

Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.

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(310): Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical. http://tfl.nu/lnv3

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(530): View more from California

I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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(530): I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me. http://tfl.nu/jc9x

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(586): You do realize it's a Tuesday, right? (1-586): You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life. http://tfl.nu/em8w

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(631): View more from New York

i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.

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(631): i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to. http://tfl.nu/8bc1

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

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(614): I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder. http://tfl.nu/za6c

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(205): I only kidnapped one of them. chill http://tfl.nu/ogw5

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(416): Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it? http://tfl.nu/zi0h

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(619): he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up http://tfl.nu/8iri

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(209): View more from California

I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside

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(209): I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside http://tfl.nu/5a48

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(519): He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba. http://tfl.nu/mbtr

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(703): that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good (1-703): that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna http://tfl.nu/tr0q

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(806): Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that http://tfl.nu/ovs4

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(406): View more from Montana

The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.

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(406): The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been. http://tfl.nu/1jfg

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(512): View more from Texas

all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me

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(512): all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me http://tfl.nu/xqib

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

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(973): I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it http://tfl.nu/vptm

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(231): View more from Michigan

btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?

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(231): btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night? http://tfl.nu/51xq

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?

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(423): I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I? http://tfl.nu/fiqy

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(306): the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day.. http://tfl.nu/nazl

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(908): Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good? http://tfl.nu/2d9n

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(734): View more from Michigan

We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.

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(734): We found a swing set....it's in the front yard. http://tfl.nu/rzxv

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly' http://tfl.nu/5ixk

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(727): found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain? http://tfl.nu/or8y

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

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(+44): Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert? http://tfl.nu/uki8

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(978): Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th? http://tfl.nu/27j9

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(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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(618): You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes http://tfl.nu/5pp7

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

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(732): I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink. http://tfl.nu/afd8

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(708): View more from Illinois

The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.

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(708): The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind. http://tfl.nu/lim4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(541): We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault http://tfl.nu/ovjn

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(702): View more from Nevada

He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...

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(702): He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried... http://tfl.nu/88kq

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(515): If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/dbsh

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(727): View more from Florida

they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were

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(727): they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were http://tfl.nu/gg4c

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(757): they won't let me drive with my sombrero http://tfl.nu/1zde

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(650): View more from California

That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

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(650): That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in. http://tfl.nu/qyvf

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(205): View more from Alabama

They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?

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(205): They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level? http://tfl.nu/pz2g

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(909): View more from California

Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

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(909): Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge. http://tfl.nu/2a01

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(513): View more from Ohio

Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.

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(513): Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through. http://tfl.nu/9dxn

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

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(908): I think I actually have rug burn on my eye. http://tfl.nu/mvqe

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(860): its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party. http://tfl.nu/bik1

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(719): Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ctww

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(289): You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person. http://tfl.nu/dofi

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(315): What's the rule on cocaine before dinner? (414): Its 11 o'clock somewhere http://tfl.nu/yof7

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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(580): I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever! http://tfl.nu/u7rz

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

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(603): You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm http://tfl.nu/1h6h

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

i hate being the asshole.

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(308): Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass? (1-308): i hate being the asshole. http://tfl.nu/40d3

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(412): It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus." http://tfl.nu/ftkz

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(276): Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco. http://tfl.nu/65bb

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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(403): I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time http://tfl.nu/r2ul

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(501): Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight. http://tfl.nu/hv0l

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(541): You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize. http://tfl.nu/yage

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(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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(903): I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth... http://tfl.nu/u93t

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(719): View more from Colorado

I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.

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(719): I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush. http://tfl.nu/eys0

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(432): There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses! http://tfl.nu/cuv6

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(541): There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet. http://tfl.nu/xrf4

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(616): View more from Michigan

i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..

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(616): i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent.. http://tfl.nu/zm5m

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.

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(508): he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table. http://tfl.nu/n2tk

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(210): Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country http://tfl.nu/te1e

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(513): View more from Ohio

well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.

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(513): well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process. http://tfl.nu/0h10

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(631): View more from New York

He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

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(631): He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club. http://tfl.nu/hcoc

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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(215): Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day. http://tfl.nu/lmzq

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.

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(306): I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me. http://tfl.nu/ri8m

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(715): Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam. http://tfl.nu/fk8j

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(513): View more from Ohio

Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.

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(513): Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight. http://tfl.nu/vjdx

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?

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(908): do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants? http://tfl.nu/rdvq

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(678): View more from Georgia

We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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(678): We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER http://tfl.nu/fxy8

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(330): View more from Ohio

literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

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(330): literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs. http://tfl.nu/r48u

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

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(410): Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops. http://tfl.nu/wmir

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(623): You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!" http://tfl.nu/z3ws

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(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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(904): HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. http://tfl.nu/mng5

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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(702): Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre? http://tfl.nu/1jmm

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(972): View more from Texas

Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?

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(972): Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday? http://tfl.nu/8ic0

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

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(304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying http://tfl.nu/2vcq

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.

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(484): The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread. http://tfl.nu/tsab

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(715): There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this. http://tfl.nu/w1ne

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(423): She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21. http://tfl.nu/keb8

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(760): if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel http://tfl.nu/4p3k

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

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(505): Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why. http://tfl.nu/r7vy

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?

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(814): so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass? http://tfl.nu/0xyl

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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(414): oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv. http://tfl.nu/ywog

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(551): View more from New Jersey

The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

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(551): The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet. http://tfl.nu/8f2g

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.

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(414): I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting. http://tfl.nu/tfdu

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(312): View more from Illinois

Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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(312): Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture. http://tfl.nu/p8k2

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(516): View more from New York

So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?

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(516): So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway? http://tfl.nu/m1uu

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(513): I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight. (513): I stole a bike. Here's a pic http://tfl.nu/v50c

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(518): I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone. http://tfl.nu/dcqd

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(207): I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling http://tfl.nu/w1qs

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(415): View more from California

dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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(415): dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint http://tfl.nu/6bee

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.

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(570): Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas. http://tfl.nu/sn85

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(903): View more from Texas

Beer Popsicles are better in theory

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(903): Beer Popsicles are better in theory http://tfl.nu/iyrx

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?

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(501): I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one? http://tfl.nu/9wky

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(416): You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere... http://tfl.nu/u20i

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(602): I demand visitation hours with the duck. http://tfl.nu/cyd2

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

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(610): So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though. http://tfl.nu/xgce

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(301): View more from Maryland

did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15

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(301): did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15 http://tfl.nu/scbj

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?! http://tfl.nu/4ghk

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(757): View more from Virginia

The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.

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(757): The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind. http://tfl.nu/p83t

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(732): 4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move http://tfl.nu/7ba1

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(904): View more from Florida

Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

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(904): Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again http://tfl.nu/3izm

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(815): Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers? http://tfl.nu/gqlt

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(+64): I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable. http://tfl.nu/t0un

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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(847): I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt? http://tfl.nu/o3a9

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you in a cab?

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?

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(312): Are you in a cab? (908): I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka? http://tfl.nu/9mwy

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(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

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(419): I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone. (1-419): it's a Wednesday? (419): :) http://tfl.nu/grqr

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(575): you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat. http://tfl.nu/lmrm

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(217): This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child http://tfl.nu/n5f8

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(213): your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now. http://tfl.nu/w3yg

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(256): Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment http://tfl.nu/eim1

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(330): Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car. http://tfl.nu/8rap

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(334): View more from Alabama

Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.

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(334): Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram. http://tfl.nu/7u9p

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(239): View more from Florida

I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

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(239): I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real http://tfl.nu/tylh

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV

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(908): Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV http://tfl.nu/9om8

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(908): The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one. http://tfl.nu/8bgn

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(828): View more from North Carolina

If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?

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(828): If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me? http://tfl.nu/3q2x

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.

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(419): Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed. http://tfl.nu/x4xs

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(479): I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast. http://tfl.nu/j7ef

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win. http://tfl.nu/almv

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ. http://tfl.nu/qy75

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd

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(513): View more from Ohio

so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?

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(513): so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned? http://tfl.nu/1jvr

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(270): We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel. http://tfl.nu/l81q

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

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(+44): There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside. http://tfl.nu/nyqa

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(810): you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here". http://tfl.nu/11k9

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(914): hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early http://tfl.nu/k8sh

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

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(860): you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you. http://tfl.nu/qv5y

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(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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(662): they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments. http://tfl.nu/u5vp

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(317): A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some. http://tfl.nu/08yo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car

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(412): At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car http://tfl.nu/wr7k

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(604): He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face. http://tfl.nu/1cal

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

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(508): in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar. http://tfl.nu/rqsf

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(715): Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober. http://tfl.nu/abtg

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4

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(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

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(704): there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone http://tfl.nu/ttuj

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(805): View more from California

We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.

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(805): We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits. http://tfl.nu/3ys3

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(503): some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?' http://tfl.nu/rnao

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(915): at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes? http://tfl.nu/vnu1

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(215): we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me. http://tfl.nu/nfi8

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(651): I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening. http://tfl.nu/p9mo

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(512): I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench. http://tfl.nu/bsle

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(607): Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head? (607): Nevermind, it's in the dryer. http://tfl.nu/r8jx

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(703): I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin. http://tfl.nu/zjl9

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.

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(318): I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people. http://tfl.nu/5dbr

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(306): We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky. (1-306): What did you cook with whisky? (306): We started a fire. http://tfl.nu/4y3v

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(513): I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake. http://tfl.nu/fip9

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(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

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(214): could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea? http://tfl.nu/4zul

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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(972): I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip. http://tfl.nu/tlq7

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(850): View more from Florida

We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.

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(850): We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it. http://tfl.nu/y27d

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(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

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(315): There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge. (440): its Wednesday... (315): they're reeeeeally big trays http://tfl.nu/bwkn

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(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

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(417): Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel http://tfl.nu/ki9k

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(310): View more from California

Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.

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(310): Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever. http://tfl.nu/0wwj

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..

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(414): Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well.. http://tfl.nu/jvza

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(309): View more from Illinois

they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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(309): they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy. http://tfl.nu/yj0s

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(425): View more from Washington

She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.

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(425): She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why. http://tfl.nu/ircc

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged

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(603): So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged http://tfl.nu/t25x

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(716): Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases http://tfl.nu/lpic

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(863): oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dnld

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(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

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(660): There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK http://tfl.nu/9rna

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

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(952): I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night http://tfl.nu/yysc

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(61): Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed http://tfl.nu/qr9l

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(863): View more from Florida

In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

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(863): In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us http://tfl.nu/7cnb

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(419): View more from Ohio

Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

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(419): Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class. http://tfl.nu/zkx8

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(813): I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions http://tfl.nu/060m

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(240): View more from Maryland

im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.

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(240): im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself. http://tfl.nu/qkn1

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(516): i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher http://tfl.nu/pmh4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(+44): got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night... http://tfl.nu/vdnw

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(425): Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner. http://tfl.nu/26hb

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(408): View more from California

My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?

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(408): My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know? http://tfl.nu/68pr

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(618): View more from Illinois

omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid

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(618): omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid http://tfl.nu/sbxo

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(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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(678): I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back. http://tfl.nu/lb6m

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(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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(512): I actually had fun getting arrested. That high. http://tfl.nu/ixl1

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(863): View more from Florida

Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.

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(863): Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone. http://tfl.nu/onku

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(773): I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit. http://tfl.nu/2ngx

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(715): He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety http://tfl.nu/vghu

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(801): Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess. http://tfl.nu/8hwd

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?

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(570): why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge? http://tfl.nu/lm3z

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(817): View more from Texas

If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.

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(817): If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun. http://tfl.nu/31s3

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(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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(718): The gym has a pool (914): my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high" http://tfl.nu/pnez

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(714): View more from California

found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.

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(714): found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good. http://tfl.nu/7tze

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(787): He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him. http://tfl.nu/klex

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

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(502): Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore. http://tfl.nu/k6j5

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(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

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(416): i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties http://tfl.nu/mxe3

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(816): They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives http://tfl.nu/kcvk

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(254): Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows. (254): Tornado warnings are fun! http://tfl.nu/9sqb

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(614): View more from Ohio

Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

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(614): Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning. http://tfl.nu/meuz

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(215): Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank.... http://tfl.nu/wvlh

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

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(609): I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens. http://tfl.nu/uou3

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(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

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(541): Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds... http://tfl.nu/27nn

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(203): THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER http://tfl.nu/gk2q

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.

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(403): Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms. http://tfl.nu/yg77

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(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

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(302): Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob http://tfl.nu/818e

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(231): View more from Michigan

who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?

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(231): who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets? http://tfl.nu/3xr9

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(802): he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife http://tfl.nu/h9mg

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(+44): oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night http://tfl.nu/5l2j

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(425): the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition http://tfl.nu/w42o

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(570): I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison. http://tfl.nu/ax4a

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74

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(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

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(443): THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED. http://tfl.nu/dr1s

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(910): View more from North Carolina

oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

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(910): oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment http://tfl.nu/2in4

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(618): So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me. http://tfl.nu/3nre

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(760): She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle. http://tfl.nu/ihsx

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(618): Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly. http://tfl.nu/ma4l

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(252): she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her? http://tfl.nu/iav7

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(954): View more from Florida

Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.

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(954): Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body. http://tfl.nu/z8oj

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(812): I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice. http://tfl.nu/sig2

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?

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(781): At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot? http://tfl.nu/hn75

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(+44): he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window http://tfl.nu/rkda

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(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

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(513): you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one http://tfl.nu/cjl0

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(412): You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay http://tfl.nu/y710

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i

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(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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(773): I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe. http://tfl.nu/xtio

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(434): She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere http://tfl.nu/6t7j

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(602): View more from Arizona

One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

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(602): One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them http://tfl.nu/t9s2

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(586): View more from Michigan

hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink

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(586): hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink http://tfl.nu/wrew

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(847): I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face. http://tfl.nu/62jc

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?

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(908): You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you? http://tfl.nu/3hav

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(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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(678): I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out. http://tfl.nu/nryy

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(850): View more from Florida

why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?

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(850): why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream? http://tfl.nu/judd

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(303): Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos. http://tfl.nu/cmhg

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.

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(336): You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed. http://tfl.nu/k43u

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(425): View more from Washington

In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter

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(425): In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter http://tfl.nu/la90

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(845): I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting http://tfl.nu/p4gt

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(818): He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore. http://tfl.nu/r68q

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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(613): I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked http://tfl.nu/dann

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.

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(970): I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat. http://tfl.nu/yfuv

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.

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(763): Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits. http://tfl.nu/o3v5

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(913): come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up. http://tfl.nu/dd2l

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(250): Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party. http://tfl.nu/dnix

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(443): View more from Maryland

Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.

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(443): Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed. http://tfl.nu/vazj

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(319): View more from Iowa

She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!

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(319): She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?! http://tfl.nu/73w6

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(760): coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/by4p

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh god was she eating orange peels again

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(508): oh god was she eating orange peels again http://tfl.nu/g701

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(404): View more from Georgia

You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

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(404): You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised. http://tfl.nu/0upx

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(810): Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow. http://tfl.nu/g382

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.

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(732): I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn. http://tfl.nu/68i4

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(816): View more from Missouri

... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

(314): View more from Missouri

I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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(816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox

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(970): View more from Colorado

You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?

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(970): You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you? http://tfl.nu/r91h

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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(410): I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us. http://tfl.nu/iw4a

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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms

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(860): oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms http://tfl.nu/jzy1

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(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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(915): Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere? http://tfl.nu/8ktc

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(305): View more from Florida

I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

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(305): I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him. http://tfl.nu/a6jy

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(916): WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN. http://tfl.nu/3mw6

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him

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(513): 4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him http://tfl.nu/uj7g

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(+61): i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason? http://tfl.nu/33o5

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(817): View more from Texas

Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool

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(817): Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool http://tfl.nu/oo5b

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives

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(215): I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives http://tfl.nu/ehnp

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(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

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(813): just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl" http://tfl.nu/n699

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg

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(313): View more from Michigan

Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?

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(313): Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was? http://tfl.nu/iwh3

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

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(307): there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends http://tfl.nu/lr33

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

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(414): Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch. http://tfl.nu/js8y

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(303): View more from Colorado

We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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(303): We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down http://tfl.nu/easv

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(443): View more from Maryland

WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

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(443): WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock http://tfl.nu/0ctc

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

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(330): Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch? http://tfl.nu/ae8u

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(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

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(518): i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone? http://tfl.nu/iu7h

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Now he's lighting his socks on fire

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(920): Now he's lighting his socks on fire http://tfl.nu/p3kv

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(803): View more from South Carolina

A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

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(803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. http://tfl.nu/eqmh

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(513): View more from Ohio

im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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(513): im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped. http://tfl.nu/kvpg

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(647): i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces. http://tfl.nu/7l8v

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.

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(617): she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE. http://tfl.nu/mzqa

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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(516): Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads http://tfl.nu/zprq

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Either way, he made a blog for his cat.

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(870): Either way, he made a blog for his cat. http://tfl.nu/y9xq

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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(613): You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best. http://tfl.nu/snhs

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out. http://tfl.nu/gjqc

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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(484): I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night. http://tfl.nu/i8lc

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(781): please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again. http://tfl.nu/xtmx

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(817): View more from Texas

2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.

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(817): 2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester. http://tfl.nu/1qgy

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(585): any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later? http://tfl.nu/w8i3

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(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

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(619): You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one... http://tfl.nu/h6us

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(847): No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it. http://tfl.nu/l9mq

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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(781): I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together. http://tfl.nu/rbls

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(613): OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch http://tfl.nu/pswe

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(816): View more from Missouri

Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.

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(816): Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes. http://tfl.nu/7aqq

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(815): View more from Illinois

it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

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(815): it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries. http://tfl.nu/kdps

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(513): hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it" http://tfl.nu/04ug

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman. http://tfl.nu/z7nz

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(502): View more from Kentucky

we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying

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(502): we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying http://tfl.nu/sr7p

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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(402): You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves http://tfl.nu/lewx

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.

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(253): Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle. http://tfl.nu/sb1o

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(416): Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment. http://tfl.nu/mdg4

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

you didn't get her number why?

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(724): So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends. (1-724): you didn't get her number why? http://tfl.nu/gt6x

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(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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(330): Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge. http://tfl.nu/j5wy

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(916): View more from California

Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.

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(916): Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity. http://tfl.nu/tb29

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(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

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(951): At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate? http://tfl.nu/y4sj

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(250): I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower http://tfl.nu/dtnj

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(989): News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus. (1-989): Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right. http://tfl.nu/jho0

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(301): the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst" http://tfl.nu/u5av

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(603): I puked a lego. http://tfl.nu/7r9h

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(937): so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. http://tfl.nu/vdqf

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

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(319): Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's? http://tfl.nu/rb01

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(415): I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana? (512): Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought. (415): Watch for tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/7qwf

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(936): View more from Texas

Bea Arthur died! :(

(214): View more from Texas

What?

(936): View more from Texas

Big bird passed.

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(936):Bea Arthur died! :( (214):What? (936):Big bird passed. http://tfl.nu/7dhn

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(573): View more from Missouri

Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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(573): Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible http://tfl.nu/a2el

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...

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(780): just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon... http://tfl.nu/csyn

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(818): to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people http://tfl.nu/ib6w

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(405): Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin? http://tfl.nu/sa7c

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(717): well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours (484): andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you http://tfl.nu/ooyd

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(907): View more from Alaska

I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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(907): I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out. http://tfl.nu/os26

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(952): You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear http://tfl.nu/fvq9

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(417): Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"? http://tfl.nu/n06e

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(973): So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on. http://tfl.nu/d9b8

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(214): So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5. http://tfl.nu/y0zl

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(908): ...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos http://tfl.nu/7o3l

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(303): If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take http://tfl.nu/wz90

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(601): we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again. http://tfl.nu/0kiq

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(847): u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends http://tfl.nu/ywa9

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(907): I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement. http://tfl.nu/8kf2

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. Its not even 11am.

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(973): Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house. (1-973): Wow. Its not even 11am. http://tfl.nu/p3yd

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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(513): And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool. http://tfl.nu/hylh

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(508): I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle. http://tfl.nu/gqi2

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(781): the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme http://tfl.nu/i0u7

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(516): View more from New York

He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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(516): He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes. http://tfl.nu/agxg

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(860): So many bounce houses so little time http://tfl.nu/tcx2

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.

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(778): I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm. http://tfl.nu/ttig

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(647): there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper. http://tfl.nu/yyzx

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Sucks about the cops last night

(848): View more from New Jersey

to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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(609): Sucks about the cops last night (848): to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party.. http://tfl.nu/rv14

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(773): View more from Illinois

After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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(773): After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in. http://tfl.nu/8v36

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(218): I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face http://tfl.nu/wyrl

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x

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(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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(415): had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon http://tfl.nu/bpcz

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(708): View more from Illinois

sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

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(708): sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful http://tfl.nu/0wk6

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(801): View more from Utah

Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.

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(801): Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body. http://tfl.nu/oco3

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s

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(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

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(216): Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working http://tfl.nu/ls32

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(954): We're sending your burrito through the mail slot. http://tfl.nu/pddr

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(480): New game: find the sober person in Tbell http://tfl.nu/sv6g

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(705): She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that. (905): I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory. http://tfl.nu/dnea

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(403): you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape. http://tfl.nu/to8s

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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(608): The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well. http://tfl.nu/1rx6

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(203): View more from Connecticut

our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

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(203): our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation. http://tfl.nu/5n6h

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(318): I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now http://tfl.nu/xdsb

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(630): You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot http://tfl.nu/u2s7

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(207): Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us. http://tfl.nu/mqg9

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(516): i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang. http://tfl.nu/ryqf

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife

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(306): Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife http://tfl.nu/6k5s

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(303): the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night http://tfl.nu/fwes

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(419): View more from Ohio

its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn

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(419): its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn http://tfl.nu/wwy8

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

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(501): Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window http://tfl.nu/m081

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(903): View more from Texas

I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

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(903): I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion. http://tfl.nu/pxq1

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(859): I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college. http://tfl.nu/f01w

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?

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(303): At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea? http://tfl.nu/yszl

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(704): someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation http://tfl.nu/fra5

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc

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(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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(217): The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time. http://tfl.nu/mdb9

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(270): Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience. http://tfl.nu/d64j

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(703): View more from Virginia

then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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(703): then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives http://tfl.nu/iy6u

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(813): View more from Florida

It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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(813): It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you. http://tfl.nu/aegn

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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(917): You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking http://tfl.nu/a0v5

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(630): Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box. http://tfl.nu/2fsf

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(785): It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night... http://tfl.nu/p0ds

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(626): HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN? http://tfl.nu/rsqz

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(330): The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops. http://tfl.nu/2l9n

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(301): a search helicopter?! http://tfl.nu/5l8d

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(404): View more from Georgia

Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

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(404): Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash... http://tfl.nu/kodu

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(859): View more from Kentucky

do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?

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(859): do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night? http://tfl.nu/r2u5

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? (860): Becoming a productive member of society? (509): Sam. Come on. http://tfl.nu/hrkz

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(916): View more from California

is it cool if i come over and use your computer?

(1-916): View more from California

what happened to yours?

(916): View more from California

i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.

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(916): is it cool if i come over and use your computer? (1-916): what happened to yours? (916): i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink. http://tfl.nu/idhb

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out

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(306): Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out http://tfl.nu/kvs3

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(604): Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub. http://tfl.nu/91f9

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(313): remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall http://tfl.nu/brex

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(502): Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels? http://tfl.nu/vpae

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(828): yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store http://tfl.nu/iz0y

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(913): i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire. http://tfl.nu/gd8k

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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(505): We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!" http://tfl.nu/sk68

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(541): I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad? http://tfl.nu/iz9x

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83

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(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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(573): A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb. http://tfl.nu/1cz1

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(330): Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you. http://tfl.nu/fmxs

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(734): Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual. http://tfl.nu/o9rr

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(203): If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him? http://tfl.nu/p8ua

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund

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(814): moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund http://tfl.nu/o6j0

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(716): View more from New York

I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.

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(716): I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting. http://tfl.nu/txta

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(917): I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear. http://tfl.nu/517j

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8

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(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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(615): is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....? http://tfl.nu/4au4

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067

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(330): View more from Ohio

May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.

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(330): May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad. http://tfl.nu/9tjq

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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(902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left. http://tfl.nu/ytq9

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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(704): I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window http://tfl.nu/ly7e

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room

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(201): i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room http://tfl.nu/urin

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.

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(918): Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken. http://tfl.nu/pmvb

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. http://tfl.nu/jn1k

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(610): I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show? http://tfl.nu/56pk

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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(505): While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/0pt9

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(631): we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility http://tfl.nu/kdjh

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(603): judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril http://tfl.nu/m6dd

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(602): View more from Arizona

The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."

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(602): The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..." http://tfl.nu/m7yq

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(256): View more from Alabama

Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.

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(256): Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation. http://tfl.nu/su8c

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(530): View more from California

dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often

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(530): dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often http://tfl.nu/lo0b

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(513): View more from Ohio

he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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(513): he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/epms

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(912): Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony http://tfl.nu/e5l6

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k

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(607): View more from New York

We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.

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(607): We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre. http://tfl.nu/5g13

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(310): My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute. http://tfl.nu/0bii

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(860): I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked. (1-860): He just wants an even tan http://tfl.nu/akk9

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(816): View more from Missouri

at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

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(816): at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea? http://tfl.nu/mw1i

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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(330): apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about http://tfl.nu/0nal

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless http://tfl.nu/hdeq

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(860): drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy http://tfl.nu/cj1r

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(765): I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome. http://tfl.nu/mczw

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(812): No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours... http://tfl.nu/gctx

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(+64): No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker. http://tfl.nu/g6g3

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(515): View more from Iowa

they need to just BURY HIM!

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(515): they need to just BURY HIM! http://tfl.nu/yy9j

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(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

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(817): matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere. http://tfl.nu/fb8z

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(386): Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately. http://tfl.nu/dyb2

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(513): im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know http://tfl.nu/k4xw

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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(603): You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard http://tfl.nu/mdqr

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(260): I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie http://tfl.nu/6pmw

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(570): In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/ifkh

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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(804): I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/lx04

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yo dont text me then not text me

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(248): Yo dont text me then not text me http://tfl.nu/2apf

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(925): She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again. http://tfl.nu/nmj5

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(770): View more from Georgia

I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

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(770): I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean.. http://tfl.nu/mv06

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(973): yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina (1-973): wtf http://tfl.nu/idhw

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(732): I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it. http://tfl.nu/c1o6

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(502): so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done http://tfl.nu/tthp

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.

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(978): Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either. http://tfl.nu/z8zq

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(512): View more from Texas

He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.

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(512): He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone. http://tfl.nu/7h78

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(513): View more from Ohio

i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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(513): i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics http://tfl.nu/sgxc

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(502): Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there. http://tfl.nu/zqp7

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(419): i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me http://tfl.nu/hyzr

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(919): I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels. http://tfl.nu/lt6v

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(724): You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night. http://tfl.nu/vcog

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(303): What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil? http://tfl.nu/rel9

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(603): He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was. http://tfl.nu/3v3c

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(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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(206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go. http://tfl.nu/rhri

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y

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(209): View more from California

Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

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(209): Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on? http://tfl.nu/ru4x

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(807): View more from Ontario

I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

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(807): I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever. http://tfl.nu/8cfr

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(360): View more from Washington

Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

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(360): Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk. http://tfl.nu/ed4r

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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(417): Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home. http://tfl.nu/79mc

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(718): Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/eick

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(907): started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night. http://tfl.nu/6i6d

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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(360): Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving' http://tfl.nu/j3uq

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(817): View more from Texas

what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?

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(817): what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!? http://tfl.nu/lfzq

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(760): View more from California

What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

(619): View more from California

Cremation, why do you ask?

(760): View more from California

I think we have a bit of a problem

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(760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo (619): Cremation, why do you ask? (760): I think we have a bit of a problem http://tfl.nu/6d26

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(210): I molested 6 butterflies tonight http://tfl.nu/fk5z

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(361): Did i throw a brick at someone last night? http://tfl.nu/tk7m

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(703): View more from Virginia

And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...

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(703): And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet... http://tfl.nu/n7ez

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(313): I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was (734): you're 26. http://tfl.nu/eh0f

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you. http://tfl.nu/e0pj

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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(402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow http://tfl.nu/h8bi

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake

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(203): the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake http://tfl.nu/cxtf

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice. (1-417): dude, he's deaf. http://tfl.nu/4u2p

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(908): my sombrero is too big for the bathroom http://tfl.nu/okhq

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(630): You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude. http://tfl.nu/zi0k

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(337): but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp? http://tfl.nu/p1my

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(212): View more from New York

Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.

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(212): Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe. http://tfl.nu/iy4x

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(813): View more from Florida

I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.

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(813): I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized. http://tfl.nu/p6rg

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.

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(317): The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints. http://tfl.nu/xoq4

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(208): Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat. http://tfl.nu/qpwr

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(530): View more from California

So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.

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(530): So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention. http://tfl.nu/8fhv

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(571): Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober http://tfl.nu/ny6e

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(248): View more from Michigan

im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me

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(248): im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me http://tfl.nu/nrzq

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(951): Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor. http://tfl.nu/e2p4

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(605): So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win? (720): This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok? http://tfl.nu/drjm

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(562): that was a gay-test. you passed. (1-562): with flying rainbow colors i hope! http://tfl.nu/yxlu

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?

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(413): I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person? http://tfl.nu/zgr7

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(303): We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen. http://tfl.nu/slj5

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(330): he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60. http://tfl.nu/7fqw

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(541): I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago. http://tfl.nu/gs96

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(504): View more from Louisiana

why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?

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(504): why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats? http://tfl.nu/kev5

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889

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(970): View more from Colorado

Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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(970): Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas??? http://tfl.nu/mb80

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day

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(508): I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day http://tfl.nu/qyf0

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there was a trapeze. enough said

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(617): there was a trapeze. enough said http://tfl.nu/096f

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance

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(401): The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance http://tfl.nu/1kat

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(703): View more from Virginia

I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.

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(703): I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them. http://tfl.nu/kulz

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(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

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(716): Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes. http://tfl.nu/xo7e

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(708): I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off. http://tfl.nu/0f1b

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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(505): Apparently senior citizens don't like that position http://tfl.nu/ttsr

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time (1-908): I'll google it http://tfl.nu/bsan

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here. http://tfl.nu/s43y

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(630): slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed http://tfl.nu/wcfq

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(218): time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink. http://tfl.nu/47ui

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high. http://tfl.nu/4f4j

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore. http://tfl.nu/pqxc

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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(267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(720): At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course http://tfl.nu/67cn

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(414): I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud? (262): Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing http://tfl.nu/ndin

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(609): id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night http://tfl.nu/kxc6

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(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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(480): West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH http://tfl.nu/ntsd

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.

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(403): "Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/bmms

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx

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(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

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(606): i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer. http://tfl.nu/0wtr

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(289): So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already http://tfl.nu/wb0t

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(281): I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me. (979): I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys. http://tfl.nu/btxr

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(219): By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone http://tfl.nu/czmq

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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(309): Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary. http://tfl.nu/11rw

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.

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(920): The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap. http://tfl.nu/xkff

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(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

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(917): It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all. http://tfl.nu/vnnk

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu

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(731): View more from Tennessee

the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.

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(731): the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink. http://tfl.nu/2z0e

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(914): you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig? http://tfl.nu/9ypp

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.

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(504): I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this. http://tfl.nu/j9b2

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(630): The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking. http://tfl.nu/uq3n

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(843): You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield. http://tfl.nu/umxp

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(555): Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me. http://tfl.nu/aho3

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement. (347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/2bcu

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(615): im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused. http://tfl.nu/4oz4

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good

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(413): well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good http://tfl.nu/4dfc

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(804): also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite. http://tfl.nu/xds7

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover

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(763): i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover http://tfl.nu/a65k

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd

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(512): View more from Texas

apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.

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(512): apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls. http://tfl.nu/xowh

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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(703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up. http://tfl.nu/ttp7

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(716): kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year http://tfl.nu/qbpm

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(253): Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser. http://tfl.nu/y4fk

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(616): whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook. (231): i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment. http://tfl.nu/fvdt

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(518): i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you. (202): and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with http://tfl.nu/tq5v

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(905): her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/gvzv

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(309): why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat?? http://tfl.nu/gupl

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c

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(647): View more from Ontario

Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"

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(647): Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those" http://tfl.nu/90p2

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(519): My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things" (1-519): I didn't realize you were one of the "good people" http://tfl.nu/039y

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(817): View more from Texas

Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.

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(817): Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again. http://tfl.nu/k3cq

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(615): Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can. http://tfl.nu/eowl

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(214): things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's http://tfl.nu/bgm4

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(203): As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions http://tfl.nu/qlm8

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(+44): He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.' http://tfl.nu/uc3v

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(903): View more from Texas

The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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(903): The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover. http://tfl.nu/9bmt

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(425): oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog http://tfl.nu/rz7h

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(401): it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/14gf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(203): we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint (203): i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you http://tfl.nu/509n

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

You would...

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(204): So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone. (1-204): You would... http://tfl.nu/ljy4

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(402): Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches. (1-402): At least he's a nutritious stoner... http://tfl.nu/2qp4

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(817): Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period. http://tfl.nu/d1q3

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(785): View more from Kansas

Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

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(785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both. http://tfl.nu/00se

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(703): You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason. http://tfl.nu/7b14

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(641): is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink. http://tfl.nu/upl9

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(520): Have you been tested recently? (1-520): Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune http://tfl.nu/i2uj

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(225): I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one. http://tfl.nu/gflz

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(443): i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007 http://tfl.nu/tyl3

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(202): He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!" http://tfl.nu/yfbj

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(919): View more from North Carolina

yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market

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(919): yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market http://tfl.nu/5w22

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom? http://tfl.nu/o0zg

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

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(303): dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds http://tfl.nu/9fcs

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(321): Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds... http://tfl.nu/1h6m

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(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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(705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp

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(440): View more from Ohio

i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.

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(440): i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too. http://tfl.nu/6m2a

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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(262): The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up http://tfl.nu/qgka

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(701): For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza. http://tfl.nu/ui1g

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(315): View more from New York

so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese

(315): View more from New York

here comes the puke

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(315): so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese (315): here comes the puke http://tfl.nu/32gj

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

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(330): I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies. http://tfl.nu/hccw

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.

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(412): Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody. http://tfl.nu/qy8l

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(678): View more from Georgia

Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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(678): Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it. http://tfl.nu/0dlq

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(813): We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again. http://tfl.nu/6j6o

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(709): ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome. http://tfl.nu/2x6n

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(903): View more from Texas

Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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(903): Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe http://tfl.nu/shgh

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn

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(330): apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn http://tfl.nu/ven0

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(+43): View more from

my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe

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(+43): my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe http://tfl.nu/lh72

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(210): This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic". http://tfl.nu/3wpo

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(770): The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding http://tfl.nu/pa6f

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(620): View more from Kansas

my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

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(620): my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts http://tfl.nu/naa2

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

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(401): well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can http://tfl.nu/8xnn

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(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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(206): dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement. http://tfl.nu/2u7j

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(314): My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned" http://tfl.nu/aoz0

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(845): Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this. http://tfl.nu/o1x8

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(509): View more from Washington

This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.

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(509): This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes. http://tfl.nu/scwa

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(213): View more from California

I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

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(213): I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday http://tfl.nu/jq66

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(845): View more from New York

Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

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(845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo http://tfl.nu/oxyw

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(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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(212): guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME http://tfl.nu/dcck

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(305): View more from Florida

You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter

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(305): You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter http://tfl.nu/j7mv

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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(608): Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother? http://tfl.nu/8hut

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks http://tfl.nu/b2le

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(775): she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward http://tfl.nu/zi7g

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(647): Whatcha textin bout Willis? http://tfl.nu/s0y0

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.

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(617): i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/yxee

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(216): View more from Ohio

Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise

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(216): Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise http://tfl.nu/eify

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(650): View more from California

I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

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(650): I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now. http://tfl.nu/zi6o

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(905): oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"... http://tfl.nu/xa6k

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12

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(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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(419): We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball (419): And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity http://tfl.nu/7q0o

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(404): View more from Georgia

her nose should be used as a dorsal fin

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(404): her nose should be used as a dorsal fin http://tfl.nu/cjiq

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(214): View more from Texas

I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"

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(214): I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night" http://tfl.nu/h7ul

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(937): just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy. http://tfl.nu/n1q0

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(614): No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog. http://tfl.nu/lwrd

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(313): sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework http://tfl.nu/3cov

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(973): A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ. http://tfl.nu/a72f

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.

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(203): I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed. http://tfl.nu/jzfc

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(703): View more from Virginia

protesters in toronto definately have the best pot

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(703): protesters in toronto definately have the best pot http://tfl.nu/s38f

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(919): So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee. http://tfl.nu/sup3

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday... http://tfl.nu/fzwu

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(209): View more from California

Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

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(209): Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night. http://tfl.nu/9abu

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head http://tfl.nu/52vv

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

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(618): i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything http://tfl.nu/e4ud

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.

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(902): the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved. http://tfl.nu/ruqq

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(845): I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/6xbj

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(424): View more from California

I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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(424): I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing. http://tfl.nu/4boy

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(573): just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch (636): Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving? (573): IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation http://tfl.nu/yr3e

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life

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(862): i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life http://tfl.nu/57hm

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi

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(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

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(305): And the cops told us we were all naked. http://tfl.nu/sk8w

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(330): Every perfect package comes with a warning label. http://tfl.nu/x7rd

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(510): I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting http://tfl.nu/unrs

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(646): Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP? http://tfl.nu/u40s

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(215): Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win. http://tfl.nu/ky57

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(281): View more from Texas

3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.

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(281): 3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals. http://tfl.nu/21ij

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen

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(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

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(914): When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking... http://tfl.nu/3yo6

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(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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(714): Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover. http://tfl.nu/xecz

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

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(519): I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now" http://tfl.nu/0x96

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(585): View more from New York

okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.

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(585): okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea. http://tfl.nu/vuoh

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(703): View more from Virginia

His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?

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(703): His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into? http://tfl.nu/n657

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(717): I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this. http://tfl.nu/8qff

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(650): View more from California

on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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(650): on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/s17l

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

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(860): New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache http://tfl.nu/a5vx

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills. http://tfl.nu/kjxm

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(916): I'm really into asian looking animals http://tfl.nu/3ena

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(310): View more from California

He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.

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(310): He's pole dancing on a heat lamp. http://tfl.nu/0l62

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(248): View more from Michigan

did you get engaged???

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(248): did you get engaged??? http://tfl.nu/bgu9

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(314): View more from Missouri

why was he too nerdy?

(919): View more from North Carolina

he was a tetris block for halloween

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(314): why was he too nerdy? (919): he was a tetris block for halloween http://tfl.nu/svcq

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!

(917): View more from New York City

question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?

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(856): i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done! (917): question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut? http://tfl.nu/3a66

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(941): View more from Florida

I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie

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(941): I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie http://tfl.nu/ovq9

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now

(248): View more from Michigan

I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!

(248): View more from Michigan

I am absolutely hammered

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(248): It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now (248): I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!! (248): I am absolutely hammered http://tfl.nu/lexm

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(248): View more from Michigan

we're blogging at a bar

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(248): we're blogging at a bar http://tfl.nu/eoo1

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(360): He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one. http://tfl.nu/lrzn

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(210): every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY http://tfl.nu/204o

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(832): Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool. http://tfl.nu/d5dr

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

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(403): If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't http://tfl.nu/df5x

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(845): Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention http://tfl.nu/alzz

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(609): We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada. http://tfl.nu/0b9c

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(630): wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back? (816): yes. helicopter. http://tfl.nu/re1i

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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(260): I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/s74r

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(586): View more from Michigan

Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?

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(586): Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right? http://tfl.nu/c996

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it

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(651): i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it http://tfl.nu/fv1k

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night

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(919): So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night http://tfl.nu/maqo

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(949): View more from California

Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.

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(949): Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing. http://tfl.nu/xh2g

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(202): My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation. http://tfl.nu/z4sr

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(406): We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase. http://tfl.nu/9rce

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(718): at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue. http://tfl.nu/efry

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(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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(208): this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this http://tfl.nu/vlz9

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(610): I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/4je5

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(480): Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles. http://tfl.nu/jmsm

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life (541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard http://tfl.nu/54p5

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(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

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(631): You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone http://tfl.nu/0bcu

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(619): View more from California

Call me when you're up

(619): View more from California

Great dream, you were in it

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(619): Call me when you're up (619): Great dream, you were in it http://tfl.nu/09kg

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(913): Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go. http://tfl.nu/47sp

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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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(806): Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever. http://tfl.nu/07ur

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(973): remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels? (973): it happened again. http://tfl.nu/jmjg

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.

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(336): I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable. http://tfl.nu/7b9p

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(512): View more from Texas

After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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(512): After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game. http://tfl.nu/rksq

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(845): View more from New York

no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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(845): no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill http://tfl.nu/ddir

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.

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(920): Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uu2t

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha

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(202): I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha http://tfl.nu/h2dn

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(716): View more from New York

there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one

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(716): there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one http://tfl.nu/1wzf

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(586): View more from Michigan

Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****

(734): View more from Michigan

What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?

(586): View more from Michigan

Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!

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(586): Omg! Love it! Cant find L***** (734): What!!?? Like after last night you lost her? (586): Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts! http://tfl.nu/nyv8

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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(732): I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people http://tfl.nu/4v2j

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my phone needs a breathalizer

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(413): my phone needs a breathalizer http://tfl.nu/d0rn

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(361): View more from Texas

Screwed.edu

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(361): Screwed.edu http://tfl.nu/m1ch

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(415): View more from California

WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!

(650): View more from California

LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!

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(415): WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!! (650): LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops! http://tfl.nu/mj23

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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(203): i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes http://tfl.nu/2sgp

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me

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(651): I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me http://tfl.nu/s22y

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(610): Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us http://tfl.nu/1uhw

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(310): Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though. http://tfl.nu/8195

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(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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(+32): We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers. http://tfl.nu/61q6

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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(248): I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk. http://tfl.nu/wafm

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(913): Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof http://tfl.nu/58vn

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(989): I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day http://tfl.nu/4uqd

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(516): You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you? http://tfl.nu/3dbu

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.

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(775): I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps. http://tfl.nu/bl0l

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(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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(910): For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea. http://tfl.nu/uefs

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(716): You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70 http://tfl.nu/w9g2

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.

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(715): apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night. http://tfl.nu/2r4z

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

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(217): Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself. http://tfl.nu/hfdh

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(717): how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way (1-717): you don't. http://tfl.nu/p0es

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(807): I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature. http://tfl.nu/rbpc

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(980): You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls. http://tfl.nu/1jxr

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(317): What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/ssbm

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(407): You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it. http://tfl.nu/b0d6

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(512): halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc... (480): exactly, that's why i want something interesting (512): slutty neuroscientist? http://tfl.nu/zg01

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman? http://tfl.nu/4514

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.

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(618): I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask. http://tfl.nu/gfxs

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(845): my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie http://tfl.nu/7ez3

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(972): Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving http://tfl.nu/e1pp

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.

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(412): Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/42ye

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(404): Are you still at the party or did I leave? http://tfl.nu/pph4

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(408): How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...? http://tfl.nu/cucy

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(303): View more from Colorado

mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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(303): mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him http://tfl.nu/uw49

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(317): if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all? (317): all hypothetical of course http://tfl.nu/v0tg

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(785): View more from Kansas

So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.

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(785): So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again. http://tfl.nu/nxev

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei

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(503): View more from Oregon

when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?

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(503): when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship? http://tfl.nu/e3yh

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.

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(724): He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death. http://tfl.nu/mm9y

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(703): Can i come over (240): After you called me a desperate slut? No (240): Come over http://tfl.nu/g0q3

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened

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(703): Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened http://tfl.nu/8g9n

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g

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(707): View more from California

We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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(707): We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday. http://tfl.nu/jjrt

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"

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(778): we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza" http://tfl.nu/yszc

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(850): I mistook a propane tank for a keg. http://tfl.nu/qvlo

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(231): we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers http://tfl.nu/anad

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(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

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(305): so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator (954): you didnt stop her? (305): too entertaining http://tfl.nu/7hz6

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(720): You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer. http://tfl.nu/ndy8

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(808): Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high. http://tfl.nu/emp7

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(412): you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron.. (614): ya and it worked didnt it?? http://tfl.nu/b3g5

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(415): View more from California

From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.

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(415): From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle. http://tfl.nu/bjh3

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(518): He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock. http://tfl.nu/iuj0

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

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(832): I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store. http://tfl.nu/hql1

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(408): View more from California

I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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(408): I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level. http://tfl.nu/k6hr

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(818): hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win http://tfl.nu/nyog

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously

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(757): apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously http://tfl.nu/dgt5

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(760): View more from California

ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!

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(760): ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!! http://tfl.nu/73h7

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(205): View more from Alabama

I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more

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(205): I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more http://tfl.nu/noxu

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it http://tfl.nu/9cts

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(813): View more from Florida

I can't find my pants or my car

(813): View more from Florida

I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...

(561): View more from Florida

ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

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(813): I can't find my pants or my car (813): I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell... (561): ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal. http://tfl.nu/nq8v

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(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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(310): Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly. http://tfl.nu/9x6b

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(732): you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?" (1-732): did i? http://tfl.nu/syum

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(917): View more from New York City

All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...

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(917): All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus... http://tfl.nu/bdby

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(863): View more from Florida

haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

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(863): haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people http://tfl.nu/1coi

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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(781): he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where. http://tfl.nu/dvsr

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

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(678): I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/5xat

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(325): View more from Texas

my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.

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(325): my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song. http://tfl.nu/4wzc

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j

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(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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(518): Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen. http://tfl.nu/qer2

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(410): just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks. http://tfl.nu/gf3t

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(440): View more from Ohio

We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!

(1-440): View more from Ohio

I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

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(440): We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days! (1-440): I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!! http://tfl.nu/v3m4

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(775): View more from Nevada

I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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(775): I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again. http://tfl.nu/wdl0

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5

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(804): View more from Virginia

If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..

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(804): If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night.. http://tfl.nu/3lun

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(815): View more from Illinois

Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco

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(815): Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco http://tfl.nu/bj4m

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went. http://tfl.nu/fpvf

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(631): just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high. http://tfl.nu/w9mm

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(443): View more from Maryland

I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now

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(443): I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now http://tfl.nu/gk88

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(630): I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted. http://tfl.nu/87dj

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(214): View more from Texas

It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.

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(214): It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way. http://tfl.nu/ycc8

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

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(215): Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT. http://tfl.nu/2ngi

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(586): Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule? http://tfl.nu/p75m

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15

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(803): I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15 http://tfl.nu/mt2n

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(214): It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil... http://tfl.nu/iyla

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(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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(207): I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow. http://tfl.nu/e26q

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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(214): you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night. http://tfl.nu/kc82

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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(231): I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name... http://tfl.nu/p31n

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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(765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? http://tfl.nu/lgnr

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(740): Hi, my name's audrey! (614): Max? (740): Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk. http://tfl.nu/di7n

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(440): sarcasm needs its own font http://tfl.nu/5kc7

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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(617): I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation. http://tfl.nu/k6x3

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(571): final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself http://tfl.nu/96ze

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(254): View more from Texas

Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.

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(254): Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social. http://tfl.nu/292p

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(817): View more from Texas

You're completely useless in the revolution.

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(817): You're completely useless in the revolution. http://tfl.nu/br33

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(613): View more from Ontario

If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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(613): If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough. http://tfl.nu/noke

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(913): View more from Kansas

We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

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(913): We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer. http://tfl.nu/ud7u

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(631): View more from New York

I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.

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(631): I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York. http://tfl.nu/aty3

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(832): you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would. http://tfl.nu/dwd2

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit (1-717): It usually does with you http://tfl.nu/9ly0

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(519): we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault" http://tfl.nu/rtah

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(305): I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success. http://tfl.nu/yoei

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(410): There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to. http://tfl.nu/sxdr

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(302): you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son. (1-302): he's 29. http://tfl.nu/ab19

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(321): she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much. http://tfl.nu/ucje

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(949): When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger' http://tfl.nu/z4iq

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(514): View more from Quebec

i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."

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(514): i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty." http://tfl.nu/ecou

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(713): View more from Texas

I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...

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(713): I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist... http://tfl.nu/i7x2

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(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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(352): I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about. http://tfl.nu/yxic

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey kate, how is it?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.

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(267): Hey kate, how is it? (610): sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving. http://tfl.nu/94qm

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(586): View more from Michigan

love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"

(586): View more from Michigan

and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."

(586): View more from Michigan

I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.

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(586): love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t" (586): and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps." (586): I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me. http://tfl.nu/cqw0

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(608): I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday. http://tfl.nu/an09

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im holly from the hills drunk

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(203): im holly from the hills drunk http://tfl.nu/ouvm

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(914): View more from New York

Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.

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(914): Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts. http://tfl.nu/g5ed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later

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(513): i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later http://tfl.nu/g0hd

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(623): were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds. http://tfl.nu/6mgz

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(609): View more from New Jersey

WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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(609): WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW. http://tfl.nu/kof5

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.

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(570): Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome. http://tfl.nu/qugg

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(586): View more from Michigan

Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

(586): View more from Michigan

We did he did.

(586): View more from Michigan

When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

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(586): Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it (586): We did he did. (586): When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers http://tfl.nu/dzfm

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(773): Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name. http://tfl.nu/27vq

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

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(807): I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing. http://tfl.nu/a3a6

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(216): View more from Ohio

We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber

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(216): We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber http://tfl.nu/uas6

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p

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(904): View more from Florida

I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.

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(904): I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots. http://tfl.nu/ub1d

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(612): Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife? http://tfl.nu/rjpj

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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(513): Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet. http://tfl.nu/slw0

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(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

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(703): Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor. http://tfl.nu/fx2a

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(303): New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar. http://tfl.nu/vp4p

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(401): I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver. http://tfl.nu/132c

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind

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(803): I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind http://tfl.nu/dnl0

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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(443): i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed? http://tfl.nu/sqdz

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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(203): just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge http://tfl.nu/b456

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(651): they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight. http://tfl.nu/8039

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(503): do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/q9ps

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(610): you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on http://tfl.nu/unra

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(409): View more from Texas

I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop

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(409): I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop http://tfl.nu/6219

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth

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(405): I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth http://tfl.nu/n9x2

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(763): there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread. http://tfl.nu/qy40

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(207): Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you. http://tfl.nu/tfuz

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6

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(719): View more from Colorado

Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8

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(719): Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8 http://tfl.nu/2x9k

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(814): I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker... http://tfl.nu/b9kq

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(323): I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning http://tfl.nu/dryp

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(832): I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right? http://tfl.nu/xt5v

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(325): how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit http://tfl.nu/gfh9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.

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(973): all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist. http://tfl.nu/t7vc

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.

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(405): I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes. http://tfl.nu/im6u

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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(717): I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class http://tfl.nu/9lx5

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq

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(501): View more from Arkansas

he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???

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(501): he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date??? http://tfl.nu/obkl

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(301): View more from Maryland

you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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(301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop. http://tfl.nu/0o9n

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i

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(917): View more from New York City

I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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(917): I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home. http://tfl.nu/cetg

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(302): View more from Delaware

is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?

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(302): is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture? http://tfl.nu/hrqs

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(314): I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant. http://tfl.nu/hikv

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(+64): If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/njzt

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(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

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(630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car. http://tfl.nu/fzr7

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

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(215): May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night http://tfl.nu/fpxb

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(970): I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me http://tfl.nu/ieav

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(404): Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while. http://tfl.nu/n1x9

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(703): View more from Virginia

i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day

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(703): i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day http://tfl.nu/h495

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.

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(337): Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things. http://tfl.nu/jc42

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

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(604): I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction http://tfl.nu/piq1

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

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(303): dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here http://tfl.nu/onu8

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(703): View more from Virginia

Do you remember last night at all? Be honest

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.

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(703): Do you remember last night at all? Be honest (215): I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps. http://tfl.nu/7u3j

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?

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(203): I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me? http://tfl.nu/jc3e

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(510): View more from California

just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?

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(510): just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction? http://tfl.nu/bfa1

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(856): View more from New Jersey

are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins

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(856): are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins http://tfl.nu/byok

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five (1-262): bitch http://tfl.nu/m1tn

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(816): View more from Missouri

He is an equal opportunity slut.

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(816): He is an equal opportunity slut. http://tfl.nu/40gq

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(860): we've started having sober sex (203): you really do like him http://tfl.nu/ocmd

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(403): That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome http://tfl.nu/k9p3

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink. http://tfl.nu/tx6g

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(210): she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate? http://tfl.nu/d0z4

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(905): I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation. http://tfl.nu/5c1o

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(360): View more from Washington

All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

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(360): All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together. http://tfl.nu/fujj

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(630): Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won. http://tfl.nu/w0xy

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I just saw someone hide a body.

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(917): I think I just saw someone hide a body. http://tfl.nu/2aay

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"

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(336): He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth" http://tfl.nu/505h

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(908): I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me. http://tfl.nu/2kto

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(502): She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor. http://tfl.nu/3ap9

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(214): I'm full of awesome ideas (972): Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs... http://tfl.nu/g4si

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(541): Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk http://tfl.nu/l5et

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf

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(216): View more from Ohio

my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.

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(216): my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win. http://tfl.nu/rx98

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(908): View more from New Jersey

once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed

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(908): once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed http://tfl.nu/z8ll

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yo everyone went to the hospital last night

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(401): yo everyone went to the hospital last night http://tfl.nu/d0a6

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

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(267): So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from. http://tfl.nu/6xgn

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(914): just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic. http://tfl.nu/5aat

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(802): every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin. http://tfl.nu/un5l

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(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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(310): dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore http://tfl.nu/vh83

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(610): I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs. http://tfl.nu/uj0s

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(414): saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings http://tfl.nu/clzp

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(714): drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well. http://tfl.nu/2mtg

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(813): His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up. http://tfl.nu/dgzw

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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(702): I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high. http://tfl.nu/9ove

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(609): you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though http://tfl.nu/8e43

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(519): We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on http://tfl.nu/80ye

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(203): I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/i7wi

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(208): I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age. http://tfl.nu/hp0x

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(973): had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home. http://tfl.nu/ffng

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(734): she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help. http://tfl.nu/iorj

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(480): I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch http://tfl.nu/8f48

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(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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(407): Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008. http://tfl.nu/vkb0

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(484): THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH. (610): What? (484): A TROUGH FOR VOMIT. http://tfl.nu/8z8s

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in

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(778): Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in http://tfl.nu/zrr6

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(551): i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me http://tfl.nu/tacv

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(989): i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/envk

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(352): Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover. http://tfl.nu/82ke

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg

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(706): View more from Georgia

She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.

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(706): She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be. http://tfl.nu/hcpi

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(513): First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action... http://tfl.nu/keaf

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(319): You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many http://tfl.nu/z652

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(339): just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth. http://tfl.nu/ap45

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(+44): according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag http://tfl.nu/idf5

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(705): It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed. http://tfl.nu/ac0o

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.

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(205): I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/44vh

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(602): You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary. http://tfl.nu/hnqx

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(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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(951): my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands. http://tfl.nu/553v

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(519): Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten. http://tfl.nu/vjjo

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(773): arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better http://tfl.nu/ch4v

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(248): I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now http://tfl.nu/d0ke

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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(781): I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house. http://tfl.nu/8emi

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(203): Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone. (607): Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/z2i9

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(305): Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend. http://tfl.nu/xxmf

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(978): he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey. http://tfl.nu/pfjh

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(916): Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool? http://tfl.nu/8wpx

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

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(803): just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one http://tfl.nu/7c6m

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(318): This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out. http://tfl.nu/skdx

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(815): I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire. http://tfl.nu/5e7s

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(916): We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever. http://tfl.nu/dui8

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(716): You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook. http://tfl.nu/wajd

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(513): Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize. (1-513): Not having phil's child is good enough. http://tfl.nu/zrt3

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.

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(201): It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar. http://tfl.nu/427l

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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(205): Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong http://tfl.nu/oa40

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(860): Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it. http://tfl.nu/iun7

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(504): Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind. http://tfl.nu/yydb

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(818): Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you. http://tfl.nu/btkl

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(914): still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay. http://tfl.nu/4bqn

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(406): I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing. http://tfl.nu/w8ww

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(978): I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia http://tfl.nu/pfmm

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(978): Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win. http://tfl.nu/r148

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(419): Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems http://tfl.nu/onz0

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(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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(712): i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm. http://tfl.nu/clwu

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(201): I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them http://tfl.nu/szer

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(517): I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity... http://tfl.nu/ueq6

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(904): And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool (386): It could be our claim to fame (904): Done. I'll pack a cooler. http://tfl.nu/te4d

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(908): I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11. http://tfl.nu/hmrj

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf

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(973): View more from New Jersey

can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters

(973): View more from New Jersey

i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet

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(973): can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters (973): i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet http://tfl.nu/povn

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(250): View more from British Columbia

They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

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(250): They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am http://tfl.nu/0rv3

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

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(919): Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment. http://tfl.nu/yr4f

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(860): failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm. http://tfl.nu/gfgw

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(858): Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it http://tfl.nu/r7l5

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(+61): I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy http://tfl.nu/e6l2

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(206): My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'. http://tfl.nu/39kt

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(260): Vodka is such a love hate relationship. (661): Truer words have never been spoken. http://tfl.nu/p042

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(210): Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer http://tfl.nu/6bxa

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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(217): I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats http://tfl.nu/84a1

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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(401): Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself http://tfl.nu/jjur

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice

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(617): thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice http://tfl.nu/qv1j

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.

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(401): Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight. http://tfl.nu/8i8j

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(360): I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels. http://tfl.nu/pla2

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(757): i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone. http://tfl.nu/mzb6

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(775): Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again? http://tfl.nu/oao4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(+44): She just messaged me 19 sad faces. http://tfl.nu/vblt

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(727): View more from Florida

I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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(727): I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now. http://tfl.nu/6a5q

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

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(336): I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing. http://tfl.nu/tg4w

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(203): Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester. http://tfl.nu/4eoz

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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(401): i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest http://tfl.nu/hnl6

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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(617): I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness http://tfl.nu/m7sl

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc

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(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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(913): season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown. http://tfl.nu/f9w7

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(405): I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step. http://tfl.nu/yq43

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

(803): View more from South Carolina

dude its may

(843): View more from South Carolina

Work with me here, man.

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(843): Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word (803): dude its may (843): Work with me here, man. http://tfl.nu/2m3l

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(203): Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ir0f

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(617): she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case". http://tfl.nu/rki3

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(301): and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit http://tfl.nu/fjd7

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk

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(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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(586): Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail. http://tfl.nu/99nr

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.

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(919): I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all. http://tfl.nu/fj96

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(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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(310): Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google.... http://tfl.nu/f2r9

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(515): Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him. http://tfl.nu/tve9

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(610): I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils http://tfl.nu/glcj

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(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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(845): Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success http://tfl.nu/8g5x

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(623): I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take. http://tfl.nu/lajr

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(210): Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously http://tfl.nu/22yg

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(408): View more from California

I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...

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(408): I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal... http://tfl.nu/6umq

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(405): Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog. (321): Too many margaritas? http://tfl.nu/18gt

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(519): Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/wxg3

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(419): I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said http://tfl.nu/s0mp

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(847): Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence. (708): May it rest in peace. http://tfl.nu/csj7

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(714): You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that http://tfl.nu/q1k2

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(925): its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife http://tfl.nu/e55k

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...

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(203): so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin... http://tfl.nu/2jr9

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(314): View more from Missouri

i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.

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(314): i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk. http://tfl.nu/227n

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(603): I forgot how few teeth there are in this state... http://tfl.nu/03va

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(516): View more from New York

my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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(516): my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall http://tfl.nu/7d2k

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(904): View more from Florida

I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."

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(904): I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear." http://tfl.nu/t3d7

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(425): Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while http://tfl.nu/c37v

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(760): The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too. http://tfl.nu/fqh3

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(714): i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats.. http://tfl.nu/8g2i

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp

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(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

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(778): The beer is more important than you right now. http://tfl.nu/guwa

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(316): My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch. http://tfl.nu/qemq

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(715): Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures http://tfl.nu/hpoh

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(512): There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW. http://tfl.nu/izzq

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(613): I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went. http://tfl.nu/jkvp

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(254): There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN. http://tfl.nu/m7t2

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(239): Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot... http://tfl.nu/oqxd

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(863): We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits. http://tfl.nu/7sfp

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(703): look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys http://tfl.nu/ae48

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

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(770): Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave. http://tfl.nu/avq0

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(352): I used to practice getting hit by cars. http://tfl.nu/t3x2

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(732): just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer http://tfl.nu/hop7

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(765): we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright. http://tfl.nu/328h

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.

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(217): i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college. http://tfl.nu/qid3

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti

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(360): View more from Washington

Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.

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(360): Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time. http://tfl.nu/zvvg

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(908): i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer... http://tfl.nu/lulm

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(630): Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol. http://tfl.nu/s5um

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

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(617): it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right? http://tfl.nu/n56d

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(785): I found those 18 whoppers we bought. http://tfl.nu/flbc

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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(252): I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet. http://tfl.nu/v8co

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(337): You going out tonight? (318): No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon. http://tfl.nu/ifio

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr

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(925): View more from California

He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.

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(925): He's on drugs...like drugs for horses. http://tfl.nu/witw

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(716): Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten. http://tfl.nu/4lci

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(301): View more from Maryland

Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere

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(301): Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere http://tfl.nu/ptau

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(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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(517): areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?! (616): you srsly need to quit going to that bar http://tfl.nu/h4yo

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns. http://tfl.nu/ywpq

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(512): I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck. http://tfl.nu/pefb

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(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

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(408): I think I just got seasick (409): you're not on a boat (408): he has a waterbed. http://tfl.nu/239c

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(402): consequently i now know what mace tastes like http://tfl.nu/a9b7

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(602): View more from Arizona

Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.

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(602): Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho. http://tfl.nu/5bol

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(914): View more from New York

We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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(914): We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor. http://tfl.nu/1mpx

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(513): View more from Ohio

did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness

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(513): did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness http://tfl.nu/hxgt

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(520): View more from Arizona

i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.

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(520): i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how. http://tfl.nu/qfuo

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(586): View more from Michigan

if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen

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(586): if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/wvv2

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar

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(508): Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar http://tfl.nu/vekl

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to

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(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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(203): that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/oyv6

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(510): On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible. http://tfl.nu/nz5p

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(419): I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight. http://tfl.nu/kz23

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(859): Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things. http://tfl.nu/chhw

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(270): Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance? http://tfl.nu/nz1e

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(646): There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil. (1-646): Your pregnant arnt you http://tfl.nu/t59m

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(717): Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin. http://tfl.nu/gep5

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(732): why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon? (1-732): shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work http://tfl.nu/tkf9

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head? http://tfl.nu/r6cb

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

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(484): I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock' http://tfl.nu/bqqm

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(208): On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you? http://tfl.nu/5voi

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(314): View more from Missouri

There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

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(314): There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already. http://tfl.nu/afo0

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(541): Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus. http://tfl.nu/wqiq

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(715): You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison. http://tfl.nu/kcq5

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(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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(214): he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day. http://tfl.nu/ey19

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(860): She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora http://tfl.nu/wtuh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(610): You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol. http://tfl.nu/qjw2

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(503): No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school. http://tfl.nu/ym74

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(231): i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget http://tfl.nu/6lyk

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(214): Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand. http://tfl.nu/s680

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(281): I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve. http://tfl.nu/asc9

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.

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(856): So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished. http://tfl.nu/vhfi

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(781): My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss http://tfl.nu/yqt0

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(337): Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop. http://tfl.nu/jwrv

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(631): Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack http://tfl.nu/plmg

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(715): Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics! http://tfl.nu/fchw

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(301): You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain http://tfl.nu/26nd

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(973): grab my backpack.....its in the fridge http://tfl.nu/prjt

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(410): Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever. http://tfl.nu/6xdo

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(203): yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman. (508): when did we get a doorman? (203): we were also in the wrong building... http://tfl.nu/c2ke

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i just sold back the books i vomitted on

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(856): i just sold back the books i vomitted on http://tfl.nu/74a4

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(513): you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/7jk8

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(701): does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat? http://tfl.nu/hd1u

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(708): We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now http://tfl.nu/mm02

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(512): View more from Texas

The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.

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(512): The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose. http://tfl.nu/i300

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(612): I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk http://tfl.nu/r6qp

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(319): he asked me to smell his eyeballs. http://tfl.nu/b2rr

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(330): giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire. http://tfl.nu/oqcy

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(843): my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk... http://tfl.nu/ndqi

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(507): Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins http://tfl.nu/hk0d

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(646): He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone http://tfl.nu/7e7m

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(708): If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal. http://tfl.nu/hb9y

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(603): You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!" http://tfl.nu/jokx

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(609): Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class http://tfl.nu/440m

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(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

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(913): I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM. http://tfl.nu/ou48

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(303): just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals http://tfl.nu/h68j

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(304): View more from West Virginia

just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.

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(304): just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement. http://tfl.nu/6va8

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/jop2

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(239): I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high.. http://tfl.nu/0y5k

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(210): it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it. http://tfl.nu/7f8c

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(270): It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night http://tfl.nu/y9wt

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

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(615): i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket http://tfl.nu/krhl

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(810): Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you http://tfl.nu/vy0a

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(865): I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is. http://tfl.nu/unb6

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(301): View more from Maryland

Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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(301): Not even the dog will look at me anymore. http://tfl.nu/6y6q

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l

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(719): View more from Colorado

I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.

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(719): I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere. http://tfl.nu/w0w9

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island

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(508): Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island http://tfl.nu/2xq2

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(214): View more from Texas

For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.

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(214): For those pictures, I will suffer this headache. http://tfl.nu/al31

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

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(508): the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party http://tfl.nu/wsii

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg

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(917): View more from New York City

I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!

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(917): I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time! http://tfl.nu/fe3b

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore. http://tfl.nu/ktqn

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.

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(303): I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer. http://tfl.nu/pliu

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(425): View more from Washington

we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside

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(425): we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside http://tfl.nu/0lr5

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

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(814): He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying http://tfl.nu/diyu

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(503): i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking (1-503): I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning http://tfl.nu/mjdo

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(440): View more from Ohio

well look at the bright side

(440): View more from Ohio

maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

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(440): well look at the bright side (440): maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" http://tfl.nu/k7gn

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I need to stop coming to work sober

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(808): I need to stop coming to work sober http://tfl.nu/5deo

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(302): View more from Delaware

i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.

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(302): i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace. (1-302): you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING. http://tfl.nu/vhdb

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(202): im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please http://tfl.nu/aagw

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(408): View more from California

there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing

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(408): there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing http://tfl.nu/z6st

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(314): View more from Missouri

Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.

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(314): Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot. http://tfl.nu/bk2l

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz

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(850): View more from Florida

you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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(850): you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster. http://tfl.nu/wnb4

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.

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(732): Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night. http://tfl.nu/1hz1

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

(262): View more from Wisconsin

That was long passed due.

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(414): I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol" (262): That was long passed due. http://tfl.nu/6bqu

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(410): View more from Maryland

He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.

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(410): He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college. http://tfl.nu/mdh1

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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(303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper. http://tfl.nu/rq4b

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen. http://tfl.nu/y8ck

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(703): i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated http://tfl.nu/8rnc

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(717): I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian. http://tfl.nu/9yc5

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?

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(651): Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag? http://tfl.nu/dgvl

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(773): I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best (1-773): that's your solution for everything http://tfl.nu/v8le

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust. http://tfl.nu/mc9g

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(315): i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now? http://tfl.nu/2nou

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(913): View more from Kansas

so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?

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(913): so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame? http://tfl.nu/lhf6

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.

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(336): They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up. http://tfl.nu/5b65

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz

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(760): View more from California

i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have

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(760): i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have http://tfl.nu/ddny

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(914): View more from New York

Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?

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(914): Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later? http://tfl.nu/xxzo

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(231): View more from Michigan

Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins

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(231): Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins http://tfl.nu/vh4d

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(928): whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"? http://tfl.nu/az64

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(817): just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child http://tfl.nu/48ux

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.

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(+44): Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket. http://tfl.nu/5ggv

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(913): View more from Kansas

I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.

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(913): I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week. http://tfl.nu/re6m

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(248): It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland" http://tfl.nu/fgmr

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(619): Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now.. (1-619): I am not bailing you of of jail http://tfl.nu/exjk

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(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

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(586): you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up http://tfl.nu/umx5

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(603): stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us http://tfl.nu/v63w

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(408): I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/q1as

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

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(405): his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy http://tfl.nu/nh11

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(440): One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm http://tfl.nu/xdgb

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(631): View more from New York

Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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(631): Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/6w08

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(403): I don't remember. Are we still dating? http://tfl.nu/s8nn

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(850): View more from Florida

Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?

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(850): Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today? http://tfl.nu/xk43

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?

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(630): Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions? http://tfl.nu/adl4

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(803): I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy http://tfl.nu/msis

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(386): View more from Florida

Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved

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(386): Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved http://tfl.nu/rva0

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(719): View more from Colorado

I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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(719): I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel... http://tfl.nu/j6ej

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(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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(310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin. http://tfl.nu/cawx

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god. http://tfl.nu/co52

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(716): View more from New York

Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

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(716): Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per." http://tfl.nu/jili

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(217): i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet. http://tfl.nu/nuvu

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(408): Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people http://tfl.nu/thju

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9

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(541): View more from Oregon

You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience

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(541): You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience http://tfl.nu/ta5s

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(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

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(716): I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad. http://tfl.nu/80p7

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(805): View more from California

I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.

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(805): I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/p5hg

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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(908): The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels. http://tfl.nu/nz1k

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(216): thus making me awesome and them whores http://tfl.nu/kdn8

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(850): View more from Florida

Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet

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(850): Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet http://tfl.nu/7t8x

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.

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(734): I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success. http://tfl.nu/p2jc

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g

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(904): View more from Florida

nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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(904): nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle http://tfl.nu/jw9o

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(718): View more from New York

im getting my college education on yahoo answers.

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(718): im getting my college education on yahoo answers. http://tfl.nu/sx90

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous

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(267): Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous http://tfl.nu/kdtt

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(917): View more from New York City

She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

(646): View more from New York

Lmao what?

(917): View more from New York City

It's a yes or no question.

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(917): She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms? (646): Lmao what? (917): It's a yes or no question. http://tfl.nu/ypn0

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. http://tfl.nu/eqpl

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(406): View more from Montana

So, how was the dinner

(1-406): View more from Montana

Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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(406): So, how was the dinner (1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive. http://tfl.nu/9pb0

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(773): She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win. (1-773): Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married http://tfl.nu/w32w

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(254): Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working. http://tfl.nu/apns

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(662): We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety. http://tfl.nu/psgs

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(254): People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga... http://tfl.nu/n729

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(218): If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air? http://tfl.nu/c5re

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(409): We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men. http://tfl.nu/lrdt

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(214): View more from Texas

only if we run a train.

(1-214): View more from Texas

done.

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(214): only if we run a train. (1-214): done. http://tfl.nu/x860

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(203): View more from Connecticut

maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans

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(203): maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans http://tfl.nu/l2qt

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(212): he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings (718): He can't hurt my feelings (718): I don't have feelings. http://tfl.nu/gr1o

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(864): Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie. http://tfl.nu/k7pt

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?

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(508): member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games? http://tfl.nu/dghf

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(843): Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17. http://tfl.nu/5ely

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(778): I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter. http://tfl.nu/71jn

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.

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(614): I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet. http://tfl.nu/xezw

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(916): View more from California

We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.

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(916): We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea. http://tfl.nu/qdx4

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(831): Hey, what are you up to? (802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds. (802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard. http://tfl.nu/ope5

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(201): Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive http://tfl.nu/u57a

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(574): View more from Indiana

I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?

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(574): I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight? http://tfl.nu/h1kj

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(401): i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush. http://tfl.nu/l70n

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(570): Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high. http://tfl.nu/0v2t

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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(304): I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab http://tfl.nu/wqq0

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke

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(401): In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke http://tfl.nu/8xdu

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(403): I intend to get homeless drunk http://tfl.nu/9yk9

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(807): View more from Ontario

Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this

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(807): Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this http://tfl.nu/x0os

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(215): some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him http://tfl.nu/gsvg

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.

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(303): i'm in workout clothes. this is progress. http://tfl.nu/dj1r

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(203): There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/0we4

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle

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(914): View more from New York

she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?

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(914): she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal? http://tfl.nu/dwfw

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(949): I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird. http://tfl.nu/xcpk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(203): He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him? http://tfl.nu/bxd1

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.

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(314): I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light. http://tfl.nu/psre

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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(443): i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single? http://tfl.nu/navn

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(615): i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat http://tfl.nu/x2jk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?

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(919): Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"? http://tfl.nu/qjxq

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(502): So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut? (1-502): eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material. http://tfl.nu/j1ps

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(860): I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan http://tfl.nu/ukhl

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(312): View more from Illinois

Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

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(312): Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo? http://tfl.nu/uk9c

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(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

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(248): no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories http://tfl.nu/4m9s

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(845): The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor. http://tfl.nu/klg7

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(216): Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was. http://tfl.nu/ift5

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(+44): The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps. http://tfl.nu/azhr

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(443): dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though. http://tfl.nu/36m5

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(585): Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either. http://tfl.nu/3i4x

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(813): God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket. http://tfl.nu/pclq

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(905): Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home. http://tfl.nu/by9e

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(708): View more from Illinois

Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash

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(708): Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash http://tfl.nu/zsge

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(989): you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out http://tfl.nu/f2m2

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(850): View more from Florida

I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.

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(850): I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math. http://tfl.nu/a930

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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(434): I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach. http://tfl.nu/7n8a

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how drunk are you?

(952): View more from Minnesota

What does that even mean anymore?

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(612): how drunk are you? (952): What does that even mean anymore? http://tfl.nu/4vkm

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(580): I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch. http://tfl.nu/axjt

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(303): View more from Colorado

erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on

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(303): erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on http://tfl.nu/r4c1

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(734): View more from Michigan

is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow

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(734): is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow http://tfl.nu/rth3

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(317): I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up.... http://tfl.nu/s81o

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

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(703): Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe" (571): you make me proud to be your friend http://tfl.nu/nyf8

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.

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(503): I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon. http://tfl.nu/wp82

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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(404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn. http://tfl.nu/mlpv

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(415): I have another pimple on my ass cheek. (420): I'll be there in 10 minutes. http://tfl.nu/3vda

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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(931): I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house http://tfl.nu/8rln

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(616): this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line. http://tfl.nu/kz2e

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(850): I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over. http://tfl.nu/m507

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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(248): Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed. http://tfl.nu/2aby

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(604): dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too" http://tfl.nu/x15y

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(832): Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on. http://tfl.nu/m36i

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

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(313): Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays. http://tfl.nu/zion

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(603): got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes" http://tfl.nu/m7wu

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.

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(904): I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/n34k

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(514): View more from Quebec

you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.

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(514): you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties. http://tfl.nu/owlj

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???

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(404): I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone??? http://tfl.nu/6a5o

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(660): Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport... http://tfl.nu/e5jz

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(862): View more from New Jersey

this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming

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(862): this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming http://tfl.nu/d5m0

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(203): he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible... (1-203): your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen http://tfl.nu/mgfl

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(562): View more from California

he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him

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(562): he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him http://tfl.nu/6w3v

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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(814): an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high. http://tfl.nu/ivcn

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(541): someone get that fucking seahorse. http://tfl.nu/vz56

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(301): Bea Arthur died yesterday (240): You shut your stupid mouth (301): Betty White is next, I just know it. (240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next. http://tfl.nu/xn02

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(231): bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this. (517): Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one. http://tfl.nu/v0gx

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(404): what's for breakfast? (678): Advil and throwup http://tfl.nu/nzn0

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(760): View more from California

have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive

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(760): have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive http://tfl.nu/u0dx

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(205): View more from Alabama

I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?

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(205): I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas? http://tfl.nu/8ynt

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(937): View more from Ohio

someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

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(937): someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome. http://tfl.nu/42y4

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"

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(601): Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing" http://tfl.nu/jpe9

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(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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(314): I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk. http://tfl.nu/s5cc

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(314): Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?' http://tfl.nu/xaro

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(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

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(502): they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself http://tfl.nu/m9eg

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

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(970): Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass. http://tfl.nu/mex7

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(703): im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one http://tfl.nu/hfte

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(507): View more from Minnesota

As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.

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(507): As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September. http://tfl.nu/oogz

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(213): View more from California

I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.

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(213): I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian. http://tfl.nu/zael

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed

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(412): I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed http://tfl.nu/up7a

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.

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(336): Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh. http://tfl.nu/7dtp

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

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(605): I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota. http://tfl.nu/u34o

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(714): Who was that guy you went home with? (1-714): Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now. http://tfl.nu/q2tl

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(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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(702): It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me... (775): yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift. http://tfl.nu/mwdt

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.

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(709): I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again. http://tfl.nu/ujyy

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(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(818): dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks (626): well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person http://tfl.nu/xqyj

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(650): View more from California

I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.

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(650): I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it. http://tfl.nu/k1p6

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...

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(920): the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof... http://tfl.nu/xn7m

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dont have a dog?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

WTF

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(774): im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it (508): I dont have a dog? (774): WTF http://tfl.nu/8rlm

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(647): Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party http://tfl.nu/47pk

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(845): my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe http://tfl.nu/yy5r

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(717): Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision. http://tfl.nu/qwmb

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(715): just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever. http://tfl.nu/r25i

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(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

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(310): I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen. http://tfl.nu/puzs

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(250): View more from British Columbia

are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...

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(250): are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning... http://tfl.nu/a14h

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(614): View more from Ohio

If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes

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(614): If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes http://tfl.nu/ijgu

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(703): View more from Virginia

i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore

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(703): i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore http://tfl.nu/70pj

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(903): The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while. http://tfl.nu/y23x

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(606): View more from Kentucky

you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later

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(606): you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later http://tfl.nu/ipo7

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(812): View more from Indiana

Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.

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(812): Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward. http://tfl.nu/8jbn

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(616): View more from Michigan

GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?

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(616): GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore? http://tfl.nu/fc2z

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(805): View more from California

i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

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(805): i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog. http://tfl.nu/tph4

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.

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(604): My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry. http://tfl.nu/6crc

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(586): View more from Michigan

I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

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(586): I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane http://tfl.nu/vhwv

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.

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(918): im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song. http://tfl.nu/sv6u

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(805): View more from California

Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.

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(805): Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order. http://tfl.nu/u5vw

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(425): So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod... http://tfl.nu/hp9q

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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(610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie http://tfl.nu/9tzp

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(630): batman just walked across the sidewalk (1-630): lay off the drugs (630): no for real he was wearing a cape http://tfl.nu/eo01

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.

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(908): So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later. http://tfl.nu/fk1y

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.

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(401): Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself. http://tfl.nu/v546

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how

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(405): there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how http://tfl.nu/0o4u

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(478): View more from Georgia

yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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(478): yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way" http://tfl.nu/67ib

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(903): View more from Texas

Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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(903): Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything. http://tfl.nu/euxa

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful. http://tfl.nu/1iey

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(405): so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life http://tfl.nu/i5i3

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(630): I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting. http://tfl.nu/uotz

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to jail i love you

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(703): I'm going to jail i love you http://tfl.nu/f32n

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(740): Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night http://tfl.nu/r09y

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(214): Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer. http://tfl.nu/r45y

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(847): I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night. http://tfl.nu/upkg

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(616): our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time. http://tfl.nu/fvgl

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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(301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning. http://tfl.nu/0np0

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(253): View more from Washington

Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab

(253): View more from Washington

I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.

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(253): Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab (253): I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea. http://tfl.nu/y0mn

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(386): i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena http://tfl.nu/u4d0

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly http://tfl.nu/txzi

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

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(602): So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby. http://tfl.nu/ia9y

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es

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(432): View more from Texas

"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.

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(432): "you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me. http://tfl.nu/ueh3

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(716): You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked. http://tfl.nu/6dqf

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(914): View more from New York

i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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(914): i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to. http://tfl.nu/n2ms

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(540): just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping http://tfl.nu/3wqg

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(386): Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland... http://tfl.nu/taw4

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(516): View more from New York

I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

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(516): I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs http://tfl.nu/s3ms

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(412): remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories. http://tfl.nu/emk4

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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(339): When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave http://tfl.nu/n4gt

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(804): View more from Virginia

Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.

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(804): Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning. http://tfl.nu/1rpm

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(434): NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup. http://tfl.nu/qouj

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(847): On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity. http://tfl.nu/th3j

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(973): we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle. http://tfl.nu/il9h

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(512): I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high. http://tfl.nu/3kr7

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(860): I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer http://tfl.nu/pfui

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(970): you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you. http://tfl.nu/kcuf

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(812): Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people... http://tfl.nu/4gx3

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(419): Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico http://tfl.nu/934w

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(425): Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away. http://tfl.nu/ldh5

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(505): And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off. http://tfl.nu/pihu

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(913): View more from Kansas

end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?

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(913): end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket? http://tfl.nu/fo6s

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy

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(318): i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy http://tfl.nu/15j4

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(703): View more from Virginia

threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

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(703): threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased. http://tfl.nu/r0ay

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.

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(740): I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies. http://tfl.nu/6rhb

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(902): You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes http://tfl.nu/flaw

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(613): my text book just quoted the cookie monster http://tfl.nu/5m8t

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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(203): i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool. http://tfl.nu/2evd

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(616): when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me. (248): who is this? http://tfl.nu/n5nl

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(937): View more from Ohio

i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.

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(937): i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester. http://tfl.nu/q7xe

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(847): View more from Illinois

I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.

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(847): I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags. http://tfl.nu/hgni

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(818): Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful. http://tfl.nu/9blw

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(231): Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/plkd

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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(810): woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/ubfv

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(301): Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover. http://tfl.nu/klzl

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(207): View more from Maine

so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.

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(207): so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable. http://tfl.nu/pqak

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed" http://tfl.nu/g8fj

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed. http://tfl.nu/eckq

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(214): View more from Texas

did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?

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(214): did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night? http://tfl.nu/w8rd

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent http://tfl.nu/j2m9

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.

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(612): Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/coa8

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(865): Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store? http://tfl.nu/4sw9

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree http://tfl.nu/6ra8

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(706): View more from Georgia

He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer

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(706): He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer http://tfl.nu/ep3s

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike http://tfl.nu/e4pf

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Milquetoast, coolest word ever.

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(215): Milquetoast, coolest word ever. http://tfl.nu/m1o9

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(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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(734): hey call me (810): can't. in the shower. (734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time. http://tfl.nu/i884

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics http://tfl.nu/wc24

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.

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(864): We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us. http://tfl.nu/xmtc

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(570): can you come get me at the bar (301): ill be there in 10 min (570): can we stop off at build a bear on the way home http://tfl.nu/der9

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys (1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag http://tfl.nu/9hzs

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed

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(608): and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed http://tfl.nu/yzqp

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans (1-610): who is canola oil? (610): you're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/vy3c

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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(508): hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi (214): ok, stay where you are, be there soon http://tfl.nu/1y99

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(650): View more from California

Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite

(650): View more from California

Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good

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(650): Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite (650): Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good http://tfl.nu/6hx1

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Call meee

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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(603): Call meee (781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now... http://tfl.nu/j06g

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(443): View more from Maryland

Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.

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(443): Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan. http://tfl.nu/9jkn

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(541): View more from Oregon

I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore

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(541): I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore http://tfl.nu/6v6s

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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(814): i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe. (1-814): compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible. http://tfl.nu/koli

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(646): How are you going to be there by 9am? (919): Relax I always go to these conferences hung over (646): You say that like it's a positive quality http://tfl.nu/xfjl

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(239): View more from Florida

And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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(239): And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine". http://tfl.nu/teku

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(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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(813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life. http://tfl.nu/zrqp

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(248): I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again. http://tfl.nu/4zrz

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(417): View more from Missouri

i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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(417): i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings. http://tfl.nu/51gi

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(401): The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach http://tfl.nu/jjm1

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(803): I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene. http://tfl.nu/fj0l

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(660): I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better. http://tfl.nu/xn35

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(240): today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal http://tfl.nu/c4vg

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(410): we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier http://tfl.nu/xjeu

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.

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(215): Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement. http://tfl.nu/3rgn

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet. http://tfl.nu/z51s

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(910): He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn. http://tfl.nu/hrhg

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(940): I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night... http://tfl.nu/gxgg

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once

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(651): i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once http://tfl.nu/7d16

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(508): My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that. http://tfl.nu/cfj7

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(631): Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk http://tfl.nu/bu5o

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(774): im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there http://tfl.nu/wpso

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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(978): You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober. http://tfl.nu/95jv

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(586): apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that. http://tfl.nu/dpbh

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(856): View more from New Jersey

would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.

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(856): would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions. http://tfl.nu/8b19

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(361): is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time? (702): not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning http://tfl.nu/nxoz

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(858): View more from California

Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere

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(858): Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere http://tfl.nu/0d9e

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(519): dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes http://tfl.nu/xjd2

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(717): i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened http://tfl.nu/tpah

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.

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(405): I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day. http://tfl.nu/3skj

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(214): probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time (972): i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!" http://tfl.nu/dprb

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(773): View more from Illinois

Right on... I dropped my chapstick

(269): View more from Michigan

I blacked out

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(773): Right on... I dropped my chapstick (269): I blacked out http://tfl.nu/qsqj

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(414): they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed???? http://tfl.nu/zsp8

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m

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(248): View more from Michigan

well I can't set my house on fire every night

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(248): well I can't set my house on fire every night http://tfl.nu/iwc7

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(937): oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing http://tfl.nu/lc8m

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland (412): I cherish every text you send me http://tfl.nu/05mc

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(845): View more from New York

whjeg hajt iyt

(914): View more from New York

say what?

(845): View more from New York

wanna hang out?

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(845): whjeg hajt iyt (914): say what? (845): wanna hang out? http://tfl.nu/4g99

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(402): Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing http://tfl.nu/n0bj

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(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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(509): Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint http://tfl.nu/0n30

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(651): i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh http://tfl.nu/x346

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(941): I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/ukm2

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

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(617): Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue http://tfl.nu/zfyk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day

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(502): Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day http://tfl.nu/ab75

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(859): So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form. http://tfl.nu/if3v

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(804): Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush. http://tfl.nu/5pf3

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(718): At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down. http://tfl.nu/ki6l

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(847): View more from Illinois

Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.

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(847): Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one. http://tfl.nu/00mh

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot

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(603): So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot http://tfl.nu/44v5

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(480): View more from Arizona

allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed

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(480): allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed http://tfl.nu/9co8

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed http://tfl.nu/7wu4

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;) (650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food http://tfl.nu/jz1a

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(602): View more from Arizona

Duck Duck Cougar?

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(602): Duck Duck Cougar? http://tfl.nu/gtca

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(320): View more from Minnesota

so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

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(320): so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville.. http://tfl.nu/vgyl

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...

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(402): Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important... http://tfl.nu/xkl9

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(317): he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed http://tfl.nu/zklq

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(519): I have a critically important question to ask. (519): Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist? http://tfl.nu/val5

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(812): Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life. http://tfl.nu/o2zn

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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(304): Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead http://tfl.nu/8a8b

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(229): please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room. http://tfl.nu/c4g1

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(530): View more from California

Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud

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(530): Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud http://tfl.nu/4tef

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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(503): Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college. http://tfl.nu/hzqm

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(253): For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard. http://tfl.nu/hy6n

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(484): I am the drunkest girl in the tree. http://tfl.nu/zje1

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(512): Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas http://tfl.nu/5abk

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(949): We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations http://tfl.nu/lsw6

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(386): Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him http://tfl.nu/2ppo

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it. http://tfl.nu/mzwz

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(603): sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!" http://tfl.nu/halh

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(616): whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name? http://tfl.nu/f6w0

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(541): woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue. http://tfl.nu/skao

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(702): Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls? (636): anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence http://tfl.nu/1u56

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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(859): Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out. http://tfl.nu/0ttb

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(519): So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok. http://tfl.nu/j1n1

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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(412): She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you http://tfl.nu/82k6

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(512): watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos http://tfl.nu/z3bc

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(216): View more from Ohio

you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...

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(216): you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito... http://tfl.nu/yq5b

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(610): I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning. http://tfl.nu/50tz

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(506): I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why. http://tfl.nu/rcz3

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m

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(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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(513): you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12 http://tfl.nu/a1h6

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(330): this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants? http://tfl.nu/rwj9

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(816): If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day. http://tfl.nu/k8ur

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah. http://tfl.nu/uiae

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(920): Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out. http://tfl.nu/bwpe

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(814): I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up. http://tfl.nu/mktj

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Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard