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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
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