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So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have demons in me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
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