Texts From Last Night · kknier's Favorites

kknier's Favorites Texts:

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

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(303): View more from Colorado

i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(201): View more from New Jersey

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(630): View more from Illinois

so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?

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(520): View more from Arizona

you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(269): View more from Michigan

Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(818): View more from California

what are you going as for halloween?

(805): View more from California

drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.

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(585): View more from New York

The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i think i just asked a donut if it was ok

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(602): View more from Arizona

I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.

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(646): View more from New York

I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted

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(720): View more from Colorado

I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(727): View more from Florida

You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(312): View more from Illinois

That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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(830): View more from Texas

I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...

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(518): View more from New York

It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?

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(760): View more from California

She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.

(314): View more from Missouri

The student becomes the teacher.

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(614): View more from Ohio

when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.

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(214): View more from Texas

Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

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(303): View more from Colorado

That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..

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(707): View more from California

Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes

(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally

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(925): View more from California

Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(561): View more from Florida

There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

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(425): View more from Washington

I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..

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(561): View more from Florida

If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(315): View more from New York

This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand

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(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(310): View more from California

I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one

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(208): View more from Idaho

When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.

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(081): View more from

KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.

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(253): View more from Washington

she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

(206): View more from Washington

so that's what that room is for...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish they made people sized litter boxes.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.

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(904): View more from Florida

And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(941): View more from Florida

Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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(217): View more from Illinois

turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(309): View more from Illinois

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Again?

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(443): View more from Maryland

let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint

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(404): View more from Georgia

When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

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(631): View more from New York

It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face

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(815): View more from Illinois

OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(386): View more from Florida

Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final

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(254): View more from Texas

She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?

(512): View more from Texas

Won't she run out of nose eventually?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.

(480): View more from Arizona

You are both horrible and amazing

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(845): View more from New York

So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment

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(770): View more from Georgia

Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard

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(989): View more from Michigan

Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?

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(818): View more from California

Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up

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(716): View more from New York

Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??

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(214): View more from Texas

This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(206): View more from Washington

sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved

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(914): View more from New York

at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(281): View more from Texas

had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(415): View more from California

Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with

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(330): View more from Ohio

I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.

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