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when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he quoted the bible to break up with me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have demons in me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
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