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When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard (323): Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays? (978): Sure lol what's that? (323): Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine. (978): Why? (323): Because I'm gonna open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder, over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride. http://tfl.nu/1bfv
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
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