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Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He better not be in your backpack
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
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