Texts From Last Night

jesters744's Favorites Texts:

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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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  (313): I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time. http://tfl.nu/vomf
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7508) Bad night (72144)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
  Replies (5) Good night (4607) Bad night (582)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?

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  (404): He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair? http://tfl.nu/ho1p
  Replies (20) Good night (910) Bad night (2501) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

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  (813): Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point. http://tfl.nu/ezlw
  Replies (14) Good night (2331) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

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  (940): This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing http://tfl.nu/18y7
  Replies (9) Good night (2296) Bad night (873)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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  (330): She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo. http://tfl.nu/dqo9
  Replies (20) Good night (3325) Bad night (1251) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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  (661): i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean http://tfl.nu/gpjf
  Replies (14) Good night (3995) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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  (805): I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly. http://tfl.nu/8ih5
  Replies (45) Good night (9761) Bad night (1086) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He uses pillows to masturbate.

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  (708): He uses pillows to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/f9f4
  Replies (39) Good night (647) Bad night (3077) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

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  (918): It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes. http://tfl.nu/hbc7
  Replies (8) Good night (3061) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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  (570): Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings... http://tfl.nu/2ar0
  Replies (6) Good night (814) Bad night (1957) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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  (732): hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals". http://tfl.nu/oep3
  Replies (16) Good night (3739) Bad night (1277)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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  (847): I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever http://tfl.nu/aala
  Replies (8) Good night (2562) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

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  (812): Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave? http://tfl.nu/yd5g
  Replies (4) Good night (2693) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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  (917): I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips. http://tfl.nu/10y5
  Replies (14) Good night (3108) Bad night (1710) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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  (970): I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big http://tfl.nu/le84
  Replies (12) Good night (1820) Bad night (2704) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.

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  (541): I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me. http://tfl.nu/habi
  Replies (16) Good night (3476) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test

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  (608): and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test http://tfl.nu/8oo5
  Replies (14) Good night (3112) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.

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  (240): The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week. http://tfl.nu/o9bn
  Replies (13) Good night (2792) Bad night (1388) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

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  (361): I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina. http://tfl.nu/9b7c
  Replies (17) Good night (3223) Bad night (1724) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Is it working?

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  (205): I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless. (1-205): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/ozk1
  Replies (17) Good night (3950) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

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  (571): Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was. http://tfl.nu/tmsm
  Replies (12) Good night (3094) Bad night (1389) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.

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  (801): I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her. http://tfl.nu/f7hh
  Replies (19) Good night (1324) Bad night (3518) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
  Replies (14) Good night (6144) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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  (619): He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/6dyk
  Replies (9) Good night (3151) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.

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  (832): Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room. http://tfl.nu/mk1e
  Replies (7) Good night (2541) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

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  (317): We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt http://tfl.nu/hqwl
  Replies (12) Good night (3057) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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  (713): Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me? http://tfl.nu/cdq0
  Replies (18) Good night (3881) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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  (804): Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick. http://tfl.nu/rxn3
  Replies (17) Good night (4252) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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  (206): do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP" http://tfl.nu/bthl
  Replies (20) Good night (3616) Bad night (1097) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

  (805): View more from California

  and why are they spooning a flamingo?

  (714): View more from California

  they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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  (805): Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor? (805): and why are they spooning a flamingo? (714): they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice. http://tfl.nu/n0m3
  Replies (14) Good night (3922) Bad night (816)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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  (203): I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face http://tfl.nu/kk03
  Replies (27) Good night (4035) Bad night (1356) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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  (915): I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper http://tfl.nu/xgjg
  Replies (16) Good night (3658) Bad night (1154) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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  (215): Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me. http://tfl.nu/119t
  Replies (10) Good night (3096) Bad night (1364) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

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  (216): You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them... http://tfl.nu/jngm
  Replies (4) Good night (2508) Bad night (626)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

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  (614): Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning. http://tfl.nu/meuz
  Replies (11) Good night (2020) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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  (817): how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut? http://tfl.nu/0rrw
  Replies (39) Good night (8202) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it

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  (330): we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it http://tfl.nu/pd6c
  Replies (11) Good night (2111) Bad night (2968) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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  (443): he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it http://tfl.nu/sa3y
  Replies (52) Good night (1242) Bad night (6061)
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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  (979): Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight. http://tfl.nu/18md
  Replies (85) Good night (13608) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
  Replies (23) Good night (7152) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46599) Bad night (1694)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
  Replies (24) Good night (7095) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
  Replies (12) Good night (6824) Bad night (1328) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

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  (603): U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite." http://tfl.nu/bn94
  Replies (6) Good night (3615) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

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  (508): I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again. http://tfl.nu/jeja
  Replies (4) Good night (999) Bad night (2871) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
  Replies (77) Good night (51906) Bad night (2025) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (358) Good night (59129) Bad night (7125) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66718) Bad night (3003) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
  Replies (19) Good night (8941) Bad night (1120)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.

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  (856): take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month. http://tfl.nu/ebzl
  Replies (23) Good night (756) Bad night (4133) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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  (719): just survived the first fart of the relationship. http://tfl.nu/r3p3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  RUDE.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  outsmarted mickey deeeees

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  (248): do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions. (1-248): RUDE. (248): I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o. (1-248): outsmarted mickey deeeees http://tfl.nu/mqmo
  Replies (11) Good night (2695) Bad night (510)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?

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  (978): so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call? http://tfl.nu/91ao
  Replies (29) Good night (569) Bad night (7375) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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  (910): Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job. http://tfl.nu/jru8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (82) Good night (33428) Bad night (1290)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....

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  (706): Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in.... http://tfl.nu/ewud
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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  (402): There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win. http://tfl.nu/2dfk
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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  (937): She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable. http://tfl.nu/xs8x
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

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  (406): I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name. http://tfl.nu/y6iz
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?

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  (541): Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl? http://tfl.nu/31z4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

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  (503): i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday. http://tfl.nu/ygu9
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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  (336): okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style. http://tfl.nu/uhtz
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

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  (918): did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat? http://tfl.nu/7nmi
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  (954): View more from Florida

  malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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  (954): malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away http://tfl.nu/rorw
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo

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  (630): i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo http://tfl.nu/10yt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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  (781): just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk http://tfl.nu/vmmw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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  (817): My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give. http://tfl.nu/lewe
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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  (215): I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint? http://tfl.nu/8n36
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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  (832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/ohwe
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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  (843): Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming.. http://tfl.nu/kfd5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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  (503): I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop. (1-503): My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins. http://tfl.nu/dck1
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

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  (702): Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on? http://tfl.nu/7zfe
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

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  (865): she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty http://tfl.nu/c438
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  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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  (319): Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it http://tfl.nu/ymth
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (650): View more from California

  She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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  (650): She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine http://tfl.nu/h16d
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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  (203): I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis. http://tfl.nu/m2ek
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.

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  (856): So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished. http://tfl.nu/vhfi
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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  (425): I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results... http://tfl.nu/tn0b
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
  Replies (76) Good night (21550) Bad night (1259)