Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Threesome in a minivan. New low
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
For
Favorite