Texts From Last Night · jcape44's Favorites

jcape44's Favorites Texts:

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(540): View more from Virginia

we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated

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(646): View more from New York

I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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(585): View more from New York

lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(707): View more from California

I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.

(951): View more from California

That's the thing about women.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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(419): View more from Ohio

idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

(248): View more from Michigan

he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(707): View more from California

I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits

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(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(801): View more from Utah

Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(718): View more from New York

i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck

(734): View more from Michigan

omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore

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(423): View more from Tennessee

2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done

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(562): View more from California

I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.

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(707): View more from California

We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,

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(201): View more from New Jersey

bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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(707): View more from California

tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?

(281): View more from Texas

Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"

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(818): View more from California

Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

(770): View more from Georgia

I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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(707): View more from California

Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(214): View more from Texas

I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(707): View more from California

someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(786): View more from Florida

Thats something to write home to mom about

(305): View more from Florida

Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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(707): View more from California

I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Who haven't you slept with?

(703): View more from Virginia

No one comes to mind.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter

(310): View more from California

your less of a man for seeing that

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(727): View more from Florida

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(727): View more from Florida

ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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(404): View more from Georgia

"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

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(631): View more from New York

fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

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(503): View more from Oregon

hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon

(1-503): View more from Oregon

all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.

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(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you still like to have your hair pulled?

(713): View more from Texas

No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

(720): View more from Colorado

Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

(303): View more from Colorado

But what if I pay for the gas?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI

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(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(818): View more from California

Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

(818): View more from California

Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

(818): View more from California

And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(813): View more from Florida

I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters

(1-813): View more from Florida

What is a male extremity?

(813): View more from Florida

i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(514): View more from Quebec

so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.

(1-514): View more from Quebec

and?

(514): View more from Quebec

luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...

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(773): View more from Illinois

omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...

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(848): View more from New Jersey

life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

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(631): View more from New York

conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(214): View more from Texas

would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(785): View more from Kansas

You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(317): View more from Indiana

update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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(917): View more from New York City

If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(530): View more from California

If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period

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(802): View more from Vermont

Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(847): View more from Illinois

O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(916): View more from California

Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'

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(530): View more from California

No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(425): View more from Washington

This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You don't have asthma, your pregnant

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.

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(510): View more from California

We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.

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(240): View more from Maryland

No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(253): View more from Washington

My mind says no, but my body says yes.

(703): View more from Virginia

What does your body say about chlamydia?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(440): View more from Ohio

I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(737): View more from Texas

and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

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(386): View more from Florida

you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt

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(770): View more from Georgia

he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(904): View more from Florida

Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.

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(516): View more from New York

gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long

(917): View more from New York City

Thats what she said

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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(425): View more from Washington

Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(+44): View more from England

Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?

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(561): View more from Florida

I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love

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(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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(209): View more from California

I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.

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(760): View more from California

Do you need to be saved?

(847): View more from Illinois

No I think I'm God

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway

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(818): View more from California

This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(330): View more from Ohio

oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(904): View more from Florida

He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(716): View more from New York

It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(817): View more from Texas

i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(212): View more from New York

I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

(630): View more from Illinois

I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

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(757): View more from Virginia

hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

(540): View more from Virginia

pics

(757): View more from Virginia

no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(703): View more from Virginia

So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

haha what'd she say

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.

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(510): View more from California

Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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(301): View more from Maryland

just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(631): View more from New York

we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

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(425): View more from Washington

i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant

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(907): View more from Alaska

I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.

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(850): View more from Florida

Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You smell like stripper and shame

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(404): View more from Georgia

best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(416): View more from Ontario

So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(303): View more from Colorado

If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

you dont need a face to have sex

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(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(727): View more from Florida

if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Lol welcome to greek life

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(256): View more from Alabama

'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement

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(847): View more from Illinois

i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

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(510): View more from California

my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.

(631): View more from New York

Samesies

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(281): View more from Texas

He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Did you send adult things?

(281): View more from Texas

Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year

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(805): View more from California

That bad?

(1-805): View more from California

Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(562): View more from California

about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?

(408): View more from California

we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.

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(216): View more from Ohio

normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(301): View more from Maryland

im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.

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(253): View more from Washington

Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(513): View more from Ohio

twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(970): View more from Colorado

What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk

(1-970): View more from Colorado

That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!

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(563): View more from Iowa

I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"

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(224): View more from Illinois

Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

followup question: what if both somones were me?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(517): View more from Michigan

careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.

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(713): View more from Texas

The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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(951): View more from California

she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me

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(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(770): View more from Georgia

and technically it was a rebound

(407): View more from Florida

so lol

(770): View more from Georgia

and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

(845): View more from New York

Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My penis looks like a roll of pennies

(303): View more from Colorado

Oh. Ok. I get the hint.

(404): View more from Georgia

Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(404): View more from Georgia

girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food

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(773): View more from Illinois

Tell him ill love him long time

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I'll assure him of it

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(708): View more from Illinois

We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(408): View more from California

just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious

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(330): View more from Ohio

no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(904): View more from Florida

Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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