Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Moan for me like Helen Keller
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You smell like stripper and shame
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My brain says no but my pants say off.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Favorite