Texts From Last Night

jbrown55's Favorites Texts:

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  (516): View more from New York

  Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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  (516): Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn" http://tfl.nu/e8ge
  Replies (19) Good night (5517) Bad night (1135)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
  Replies (45) Good night (1383) Bad night (6994) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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  (214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753
  Replies (18) Good night (5215) Bad night (2625) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
  Replies (54) Good night (27516) Bad night (1333) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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  (413): I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick. http://tfl.nu/84fo
  Replies (15) Good night (1917) Bad night (6420) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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  (803): we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper http://tfl.nu/mqbh
  Replies (13) Good night (5393) Bad night (1801)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm watching ellen!

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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  (615): I'm watching ellen! (1-615): just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show http://tfl.nu/chlu
  Replies (12) Good night (11182) Bad night (1331) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
  Replies (134) Good night (12894) Bad night (25536)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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  (816): Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower. http://tfl.nu/cq6t
  Replies (41) Good night (1340) Bad night (13178) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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  (504): I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna. http://tfl.nu/vetf
  Replies (42) Good night (2189) Bad night (7044)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
  Replies (32) Good night (9516) Bad night (993)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142108) Bad night (9303) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

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  (715): Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again. http://tfl.nu/2g9l
  Replies (28) Good night (1045) Bad night (3793) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

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  (304): you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC http://tfl.nu/889w
  Replies (21) Good night (4580) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.

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  (760): dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell. http://tfl.nu/ywtf
  Replies (12) Good night (3280) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

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  (202): did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this... http://tfl.nu/5zp7
  Replies (29) Good night (1199) Bad night (5042)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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  (908): We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks http://tfl.nu/lwab
  Replies (10) Good night (4111) Bad night (1400) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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  (512): in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size" http://tfl.nu/ckqj
  Replies (35) Good night (1244) Bad night (7624) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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  (678): My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family? http://tfl.nu/vek9
  Replies (72) Good night (1804) Bad night (7829)
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
  Replies (63) Good night (8119) Bad night (549)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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  (313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072
  Replies (47) Good night (4158) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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  (317): you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american. http://tfl.nu/y2yd
  Replies (24) Good night (6362) Bad night (1132) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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  (651): I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated" http://tfl.nu/zfhg
  Replies (29) Good night (1459) Bad night (8590) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  what drugs are you on?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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  (404): I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles! (1-404): what drugs are you on? (404): none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later http://tfl.nu/mtfu
  Replies (26) Good night (5160) Bad night (695)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who is canola oil?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're an idiot.

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  (610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans (1-610): who is canola oil? (610): you're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/vy3c
  Replies (64) Good night (2957) Bad night (729)
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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  (848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa http://tfl.nu/605l
  Replies (152) Good night (5661) Bad night (57184) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
  Replies (148) Good night (6870) Bad night (69185)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
  Replies (258) Good night (4534) Bad night (79579) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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  (781): I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin. http://tfl.nu/37ur
  Replies (43) Good night (1081) Bad night (8832) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
  Replies (51) Good night (17615) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
  Replies (16) Good night (10232) Bad night (975)