Texts From Last Night · irish2014's Favorites

irish2014's Favorites Texts:

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(519): View more from Ontario

He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(208): View more from Idaho

My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(416): View more from Toronto

The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(315): View more from New York

I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus

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(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(516): View more from New York

If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(941): View more from Florida

I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now

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(905): View more from Ontario

Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

(810): View more from Michigan

shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(519): View more from Ontario

yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch

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(817): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): View more from Colorado

LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(361): View more from Texas

Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper

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(217): View more from Illinois

Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

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(847): View more from Illinois

couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

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(802): View more from Vermont

think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....

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(678): View more from Georgia

All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge

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(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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(623): View more from Arizona

No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(248): View more from Michigan

There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(585): View more from New York

aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(941): View more from Florida

I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(330): View more from Ohio

Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(760): View more from California

I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(819): View more from Quebec

there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(914): View more from New York

Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(817): View more from Texas

not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(714): View more from California

He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

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(512): View more from Texas

when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.

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(817): View more from Texas

I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(512): View more from Texas

Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Trying to grind with crutches was not a success

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(530): View more from California

Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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(512): View more from Texas

Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?

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(+84): View more from

he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

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(+27): View more from South Africa

You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(816): View more from Missouri

I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

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(647): View more from Ontario

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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(307): View more from Wyoming

And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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(330): View more from Ohio

She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for

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(636): View more from Missouri

Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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(847): View more from Illinois

If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(949): View more from California

am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?

(415): View more from California

i thought you knew

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(518): View more from New York

Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

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(678): View more from Georgia

ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(661): View more from California

I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

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(256): View more from Alabama

All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse

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(812): View more from Indiana

well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(850): View more from Florida

Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

there not mine if that helps

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon

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(207): View more from Maine

You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain

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(571): View more from Virginia

FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.

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(806): View more from Texas

Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(904): View more from Florida

I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(818): View more from California

I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

(805): View more from California

What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(818): View more from California

That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(850): View more from Florida

They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.

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(347): View more from New York

GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(559): View more from California

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(416): View more from Toronto

DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS

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(206): View more from Washington

AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

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(214): View more from Texas

He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.

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(863): View more from Florida

hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.

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(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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(650): View more from California

Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(845): View more from New York

Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(419): View more from Ohio

PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

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(503): View more from Oregon

we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(917): View more from New York City

The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.

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(520): View more from Arizona

There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(574): View more from Indiana

i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(845): View more from New York

No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(702): View more from Nevada

im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(509): View more from Washington

I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

...i wondered where i left that...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(858): View more from California

Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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