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Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we have officially lost it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dignity is for republicans.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it glows. i had to have it.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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