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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's never too late to be topless.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
honey bunches of taint.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Pappa wants mamma naked
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i need an iv and a liver transplant
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Porn is love you can see.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
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