Texts From Last Night

hcpilke's Favorites Texts:

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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
  Replies (23) Good night (9504) Bad night (622)
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  (315): View more from New York

  We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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  (315): We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits. http://tfl.nu/d5s5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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  (513): And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool. http://tfl.nu/hylh
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
  Replies (8) Good night (6658) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
  Replies (23) Good night (6851) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.

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  (813): Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator. http://tfl.nu/65uw
  Replies (15) Good night (1146) Bad night (4139) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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  (616): Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this. http://tfl.nu/uew9
  Replies (12) Good night (3548) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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  (330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break http://tfl.nu/u8kr
  Replies (38) Good night (8707) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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  (860): you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict http://tfl.nu/am6o
  Replies (11) Good night (2136) Bad night (1839) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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  (404): I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing? http://tfl.nu/vakp
  Replies (12) Good night (4340) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
  Replies (57) Good night (15399) Bad night (3102)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
  Replies (2) Good night (3389) Bad night (808)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

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  (618): we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning http://tfl.nu/44lc
  Replies (3) Good night (2677) Bad night (1106) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
  Replies (4) Good night (4935) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
  Replies (20) Good night (8355) Bad night (1204) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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  (774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp
  Replies (11) Good night (5683) Bad night (681)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
  Replies (67) Good night (2325) Bad night (8604) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
  Replies (8) Good night (4693) Bad night (1557) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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  (815): she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her. http://tfl.nu/1rnx
  Replies (10) Good night (5689) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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  (630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on. (217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder. http://tfl.nu/huht
  Replies (13) Good night (8410) Bad night (670)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  what. the. fuck.

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  (646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now. (1-646): what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/rzew
  Replies (55) Good night (5187) Bad night (599)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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  (207): My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense http://tfl.nu/p3xl
  Replies (11) Good night (5944) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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  (815): There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream. http://tfl.nu/rule
  Replies (12) Good night (5028) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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  (508): I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money" http://tfl.nu/engr
  Replies (13) Good night (5952) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19420) Bad night (1459) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
  Replies (31) Good night (10670) Bad night (603)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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  (703): you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still. http://tfl.nu/6jjh
  Replies (23) Good night (4972) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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  (530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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  (970): Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month. http://tfl.nu/7dyi
  Replies (29) Good night (13945) Bad night (692)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
  Replies (46) Good night (12568) Bad night (888)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

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  (304): you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC http://tfl.nu/889w
  Replies (21) Good night (4413) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (52) Good night (68086) Bad night (1684) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."

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  (310): Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz." http://tfl.nu/9mw5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.

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  (303): I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid. http://tfl.nu/8g2q
  Replies (18) Good night (678) Bad night (4318) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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  (917): Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th. http://tfl.nu/pukg
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  (916): View more from California

  I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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  (916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq
  Replies (13) Good night (5511) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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  (352): She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?" http://tfl.nu/uzh1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
  Replies (31) Good night (9100) Bad night (991) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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  (858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np
  Replies (22) Good night (5992) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (65) Good night (12064) Bad night (1895) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
  Replies (31) Good night (10507) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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  (508): he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out http://tfl.nu/cxh0
  Replies (8) Good night (3759) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
  Replies (20) Good night (8223) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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  (214): I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited (1-214): I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope http://tfl.nu/jd28
  Replies (93) Good night (1128) Bad night (7089)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
  Replies (11) Good night (6951) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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  (478): yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way" http://tfl.nu/67ib
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  (713): View more from Texas

  on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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  (713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're dead to me.

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  (317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up? (812): You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/331c
  Replies (48) Good night (8448) Bad night (712)
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  (914): View more from New York

  i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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  (914): i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to. http://tfl.nu/n2ms
  Replies (12) Good night (420) Bad night (3453)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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  (330): We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times. http://tfl.nu/361k
  Replies (38) Good night (4627) Bad night (612)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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  (425): I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B. http://tfl.nu/2oen
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

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  (509): I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo. http://tfl.nu/veuj
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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  (405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation. http://tfl.nu/os3u
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.

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  (204): all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future. http://tfl.nu/ob1b
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  (510): View more from California

  You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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  (510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen. http://tfl.nu/ldf9
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

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  (602): you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer. http://tfl.nu/7uxe
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  (315): View more from New York

  i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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  (315): i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them http://tfl.nu/qx93
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  (516): View more from New York

  OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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  (516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

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  (978): Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969.. http://tfl.nu/r5nl
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  (432): View more from Texas

  So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

  (207): View more from Maine

  You need to stop watching Twilight.

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  (432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler? (207): You need to stop watching Twilight. http://tfl.nu/oudp
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  (207): View more from Maine

  no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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  (207): no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod. http://tfl.nu/vf6z
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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  (401): They should make Glad Forceflex condoms. http://tfl.nu/qnot
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you don't even go to loyola anymore

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  (504): loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs (314): you don't even go to loyola anymore http://tfl.nu/fisu
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame

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  (732): my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame http://tfl.nu/4c25
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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  (970): Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese. http://tfl.nu/mdbn
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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  (402): I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members. http://tfl.nu/ande
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  (801): View more from Utah

  So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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  (801): So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away http://tfl.nu/h2fc
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

  (214): View more from Texas

  kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

  (903): View more from Texas

  I'll be there in 10

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  (903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem. (214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night. (903): I'll be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/kykh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (661): View more from California

  I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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  (661): I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka. http://tfl.nu/da8y
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
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  (806): View more from Texas

  All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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  (806): All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots" http://tfl.nu/28dj
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  that's awkward

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  (603): Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple' (1-603): that's awkward http://tfl.nu/90bf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.

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  (978): I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/sljh
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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  (905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  At what point did we cease to have vaginas?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.

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  (970): At what point did we cease to have vaginas? (720): Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year. http://tfl.nu/ox7z
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

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  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

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  (703): Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out. http://tfl.nu/rmo5
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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  (416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance http://tfl.nu/wkwu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

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  (678): yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her. http://tfl.nu/rtst
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  (916): View more from California

  We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.

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  (916): We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea. http://tfl.nu/qdx4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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  (512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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  (330): apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about http://tfl.nu/0nal
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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  (913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl
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  (361): View more from Texas

  is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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  (361): is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time? (702): not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning http://tfl.nu/nxoz
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!

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  (715): HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/1izj
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  thatta girl

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  (812): she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga. (1-812): thatta girl http://tfl.nu/kona
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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  (312): the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building. http://tfl.nu/d9kx
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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  (765): I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome. http://tfl.nu/mczw
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  (530): View more from California

  the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

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  (530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo http://tfl.nu/dqpo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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  (412): His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'. http://tfl.nu/510f
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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  (803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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  (617): wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara..... http://tfl.nu/je0j
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it

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  (402): you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it http://tfl.nu/0kqo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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  (617): you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again http://tfl.nu/3f6n
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  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
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  (805): View more from California

  IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

  (818): View more from California

  A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

  (805): View more from California

  CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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  (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT! (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie? (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT http://tfl.nu/znee
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  (650): View more from California

  just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.

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  (650): just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low. http://tfl.nu/fwog
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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  (401): Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song http://tfl.nu/c63n
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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  (917): you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza. http://tfl.nu/ks5u
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  (925): View more from California

  Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

  (1-925): View more from California

  Yes. Yes it is.

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  (925): Is snow just God skeeting all over the place?? (1-925): Yes. Yes it is. http://tfl.nu/ofba
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
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  (914): View more from New York

  you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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  (914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds http://tfl.nu/u8pq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

  (513): View more from Ohio

  is this your pickup line?

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  (304): my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh (513): is this your pickup line? http://tfl.nu/r4ba
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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  (513): both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage http://tfl.nu/uqc7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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  (513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs http://tfl.nu/gf82
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (760): View more from California

  I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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  (760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. http://tfl.nu/67s4
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  (210): View more from Texas

  so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

  (512): View more from Texas

  oh shit that had to have been awkward

  (210): View more from Texas

  i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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  (210): so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it..... (512): oh shit that had to have been awkward (210): i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for http://tfl.nu/r8iv
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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  (731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you. http://tfl.nu/e0pj
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

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  (484): he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him http://tfl.nu/d2zc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  dont u have athletes foot?

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  (214): so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings (1-214): dont u have athletes foot? http://tfl.nu/a028
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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  (207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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  (603): I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me... http://tfl.nu/t4o6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

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  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.

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  (207): He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies. http://tfl.nu/e64k
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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  (708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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  (+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other. http://tfl.nu/nigv
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  (530): View more from California

  We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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  (530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6
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  (650): View more from California

  We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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  (650): We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag. http://tfl.nu/1x8m
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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  (219): She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over. http://tfl.nu/obg8
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.

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  (281): I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely. http://tfl.nu/tovx
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (805): View more from California

  the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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  (805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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  (920): Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out. http://tfl.nu/bwpe
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  (817): View more from Texas

  this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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  (817): this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real http://tfl.nu/fl2e
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
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  (917): View more from New York City

  we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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  (917): we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender. http://tfl.nu/r1fg
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Found more tequila

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  (573): I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair (573): Found more tequila http://tfl.nu/cg6k
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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  (617): His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava http://tfl.nu/q9zi
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Only if they know about it too.

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  (780): Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room? (1-780): Only if they know about it too. http://tfl.nu/fxqr
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

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  (812): So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions http://tfl.nu/7b2z
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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  (469): Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick http://tfl.nu/zqfp
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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  (248): you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion." http://tfl.nu/tkud
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown

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  (330): It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown http://tfl.nu/l6kf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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  (314): There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run." http://tfl.nu/6vvj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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  (908): Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage. http://tfl.nu/uh3k
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

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  (901): so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist http://tfl.nu/ofkb
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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  (419): You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out. http://tfl.nu/n9rj
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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  (770): he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players http://tfl.nu/ani7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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  (248): They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick" http://tfl.nu/5fi0
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel

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  (484): Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel http://tfl.nu/fa0o
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"

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  (414): He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly" http://tfl.nu/s1qp
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle

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  (248): i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle http://tfl.nu/q09n
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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  (907): I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night. http://tfl.nu/j04h
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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  (484): Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner. http://tfl.nu/ytfs
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

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  (843): Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean. http://tfl.nu/s35t
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  So you threw a sword at me last night

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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  (440): So you threw a sword at me last night (419): I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised. http://tfl.nu/6fwc
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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  (443): repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. http://tfl.nu/ux00
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
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  (415): View more from California

  Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Cooked or uncooked?

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  (415): Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep. (503): Cooked or uncooked? http://tfl.nu/xhai
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  (714): View more from California

  Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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  (714): Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover. http://tfl.nu/xecz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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  (724): You kept referring to your penis as "this guy." http://tfl.nu/osjv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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  (256): 'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option http://tfl.nu/mpq0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  why can't you just be normal

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  (815): have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u? (1-815): why can't you just be normal http://tfl.nu/06xb
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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  (540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz
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  (516): View more from New York

  How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

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  (516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction" http://tfl.nu/s1bm
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  (818): View more from California

  I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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  (818): I hate you but I'm not in hate with you http://tfl.nu/vrzb
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  (650): View more from California

  you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"

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  (650): you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?" http://tfl.nu/9xhm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  you sound like my dream girl

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  (913): is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us? (312): you sound like my dream girl http://tfl.nu/joww
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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  (509): He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that. http://tfl.nu/zg72
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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  (704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating http://tfl.nu/axfv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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  (404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm
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  (716): View more from New York

  is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

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  (716): is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex? http://tfl.nu/cm27
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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  (214): you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night. http://tfl.nu/kc82
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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  (910): So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal? http://tfl.nu/acjy
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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  (514): The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you. http://tfl.nu/k985
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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  (201): My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince". http://tfl.nu/a6t0
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  (914): View more from New York

  we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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  (914): we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was. http://tfl.nu/57fr
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.

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  (770): The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end. http://tfl.nu/4vu6
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

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  (856): she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name. http://tfl.nu/fuep
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

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  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

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  (613): You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese. http://tfl.nu/lvqg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Ohh that happened after I started to cry.

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  (604): I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous? (778): Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely. (604): Ohh that happened after I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/giil
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (+82): View more from South Korea

  You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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  (+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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  (913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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  (781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?

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  (412): Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween? http://tfl.nu/zwxr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"

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  (203): it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq" http://tfl.nu/vhsj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

  (607): View more from New York

  Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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  (203): Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone. (607): Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/z2i9
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

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  (403): So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint. http://tfl.nu/8aqq
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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  (570): I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons... http://tfl.nu/4olw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  You should've just screamed yes we can!

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  (270): Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad. (1-270): You should've just screamed yes we can! http://tfl.nu/ng19
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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  (404): I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do. http://tfl.nu/0i65
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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  (845): Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success http://tfl.nu/8g5x
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night

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  (214): My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night http://tfl.nu/co3c
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  (626): View more from California

  and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.

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  (626): and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name. http://tfl.nu/n8x4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who is canola oil?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're an idiot.

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  (610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans (1-610): who is canola oil? (610): you're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/vy3c
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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  (757): i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone. http://tfl.nu/mzb6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (716): View more from New York

  Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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  (716): Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed? http://tfl.nu/24fj
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  (210): View more from Texas

  You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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  (210): You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink... http://tfl.nu/o571
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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  (519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
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  (949): View more from California

  I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

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  (949) I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden http://tfl.nu/i6ve
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  (607): View more from New York

  he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

  (313): View more from Michigan

  at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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  (607): he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him (313): at least he gets points for a creative booty call http://tfl.nu/28qp
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  (714): View more from California

  dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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  (714): dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes" http://tfl.nu/s663
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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  (512): We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment. http://tfl.nu/imr3
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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  (216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen. http://tfl.nu/y8ck
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'

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  (410): i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary' http://tfl.nu/vbb1
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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  (256): I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with. http://tfl.nu/f7yk
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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  (612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk. http://tfl.nu/j1no
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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  (440): One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm http://tfl.nu/xdgb
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  True romance of the 21st century.

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  (410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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  (337): Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm. http://tfl.nu/whuj
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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  (309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do? http://tfl.nu/tx29
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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  (937): Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover http://tfl.nu/h2d8
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  (925): View more from California

  DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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  (925): DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR http://tfl.nu/ynfk
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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  (905): Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home. http://tfl.nu/by9e
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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  (708): I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza http://tfl.nu/44q3
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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  (208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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  (216): She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it. http://tfl.nu/064r
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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  (305): Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere. http://tfl.nu/rhba
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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  (336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life. http://tfl.nu/o34i
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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  (240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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  (864): Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie. http://tfl.nu/k7pt
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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  (416): he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun... http://tfl.nu/vbhp
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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  (541): i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar. http://tfl.nu/crfd
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

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  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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  (856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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  (651): All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!" http://tfl.nu/l7i0
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

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  (520): I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock. http://tfl.nu/8w5i
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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  (313): Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ. http://tfl.nu/xfic
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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  (706): we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating. http://tfl.nu/lk5p
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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  (605): I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other http://tfl.nu/boea
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

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  (314): his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride? http://tfl.nu/qrch
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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  (573): My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly. http://tfl.nu/go2x
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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  (309): it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with... http://tfl.nu/q2va
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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  (313): How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka... http://tfl.nu/gnte
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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  (978): i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party http://tfl.nu/osnp
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  (949): View more from California

  you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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  (949): you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano. http://tfl.nu/kwsa
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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  (709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

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  (918): Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance http://tfl.nu/628h
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

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  (330): She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating.. http://tfl.nu/qbj3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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  (973): My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items" (973): That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic" http://tfl.nu/yk9d
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis

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  (901): Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis http://tfl.nu/d468
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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  (509): I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics http://tfl.nu/1cmu
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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  (541): You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore" http://tfl.nu/euok
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Plan B is the new Plan A

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  (973): Plan B is the new Plan A http://tfl.nu/yxtj
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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  (928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.

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  (505): The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting. http://tfl.nu/bmo9
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  oh fuck your right

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  (214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can. (1-214): oh fuck your right http://tfl.nu/6rmf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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  (541): You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining http://tfl.nu/2n0l
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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  (608): The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries. http://tfl.nu/yhvv
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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  (425): He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party. http://tfl.nu/pnyn
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  (512): View more from Texas

  watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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  (512): watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos http://tfl.nu/z3bc
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  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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  (651): You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold.. http://tfl.nu/rd4a
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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  (907): is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk? http://tfl.nu/2ehj
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.

  (906): View more from Michigan

  so you're not coming in to work today?

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  (231): I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops. (906): so you're not coming in to work today? http://tfl.nu/mm6u
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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  (985): Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write http://tfl.nu/1t11
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day

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  (847): I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day http://tfl.nu/i0qa
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...

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  (902): he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style... http://tfl.nu/4o8k
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  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

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  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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  (216): I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips. http://tfl.nu/1ir1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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  (203): We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved. http://tfl.nu/1hyb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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  (303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.

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  (541): Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia. http://tfl.nu/enyb
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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  (541): Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance." http://tfl.nu/5agg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.

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  (513): You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god. (513): and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon. http://tfl.nu/ae2p
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  (716): View more from New York

  An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

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  (716): An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready http://tfl.nu/od5a
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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  (978): I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea http://tfl.nu/kyal
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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  (612): at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them http://tfl.nu/fxji
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (845): View more from New York

  felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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  (845): felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter http://tfl.nu/o0yy
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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  (217): You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket" http://tfl.nu/imu3
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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  (407): I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level. http://tfl.nu/6nqz
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts

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  (484): I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts http://tfl.nu/21q5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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  (757): We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on. http://tfl.nu/8n2e
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  (325): View more from Texas

  When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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  (325): When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous http://tfl.nu/im9q
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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  (952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/w8wo
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  (415): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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  (415): If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition. http://tfl.nu/fwuo
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  (850): View more from Florida

  the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  that makes sense.

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  (850): the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you... (1-850): that makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5jmk
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag

  (817): View more from Texas

  could you get any more awkward?

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  (817): you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag (817): could you get any more awkward? http://tfl.nu/636d
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

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  (862): i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge http://tfl.nu/uife
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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  (913): you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast... http://tfl.nu/eo63
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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  (508): currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit. http://tfl.nu/vzj2
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  (585): View more from New York

  you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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  (585): you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish http://tfl.nu/f18y
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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  (717): Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag. (610): was it embarrassing when you had to say yes? http://tfl.nu/rz29
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this

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  (513): I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this http://tfl.nu/r3y4
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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  (717): Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision. http://tfl.nu/qwmb
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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  (910): just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics http://tfl.nu/3wmw
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