Texts From Last Night · giraffalaff's Favorites

giraffalaff's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7510 1778
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

Fav 29 4692 2124
share tweet

(256): View more from Alabama

dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me

Fav 21 3947 1470
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

Fav 37 5370 3250
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

Fav 17 7414 2158
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

Fav 16 5380 1293
share tweet

(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

Fav 33 1913 4975
share tweet

(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

Fav 36 7955 1856
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

Fav 20 4142 2700
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

Fav 38 6984 2009
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8171 1566
share tweet

(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

Fav 37 2138 5685
share tweet

(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5824 1502
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2675 4948
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

Fav 18 4993 1786
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

Fav 19 1844 4833
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.

Fav 17 1795 4648
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10795 1959
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

Fav 30 9542 1507
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

Fav 264 3070 28088
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3618 15826
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

Fav 17 5024 1494
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

Fav 140 7575 2252
share tweet
(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

Fav 18 10504 1833
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

Fav 8 1842 4766
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

Fav 13 5074 1289
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

Fav 33 10991 1696
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

Fav 26 9013 1781
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

Fav 34 8593 1599
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Fav 17 9084 1767
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17985 2068
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

Fav 22 8923 1835
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

Fav 11 5334 1251
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

Fav 19 5651 1426
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

Fav 27 7191 1866
share tweet
(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

Fav 13 5897 1289
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

Fav 18 1396 4862
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

Fav 34 6517 2694
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.

Fav 35 6568 2519
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12648 1610
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

Fav 44 10803 2205
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

Fav 12 4361 1387
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

Fav 8 1695 3946
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

Fav 14 5336 2740
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

Fav 14 6992 1556
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

Fav 16 5248 1565
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

Fav 19 1785 5728
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

Fav 25 9645 1671
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

Fav 13 5944 2331
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

Fav 37 9189 3479
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

Fav 28 9586 1389
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

Fav 13 4040 1533
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

Fav 21 6178 1590
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35337 4424
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

Fav 15 6285 1792
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1788
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

Fav 50 3535 6170
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

Fav 7 4166 1340
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

Fav 25 5803 1928
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

Fav 17 8624 1684
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

Fav 15 4938 1533
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9032 5323
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

Fav 36 2941 5633
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

Fav 11 2697 3510
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

Fav 14 5736 1176
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

Fav 10 4461 1605
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15406 1887
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

Fav 17 8380 1454
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

Fav 18 10607 1440
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12887 1842
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

Fav 22 7496 1348
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

Fav 20 6008 2291
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

Fav 22 7141 1726
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3347 13002
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today

Fav 18 4947 1405
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

Fav 16 6081 1807
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

Fav 12 7935 2318
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9412 1605
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

Fav 29 10540 1490
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

Fav 28 1663 4434
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

Fav 19 5454 1478
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger

Fav 18 4004 1358
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6364 1551
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

Fav 7 5319 1222
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

Fav 44 4233 1708
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

Fav 86 9704 4844
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

Fav 24 7190 1298
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

Fav 13 8455 1599
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8268 1526
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11141 2058
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

Fav 15 5503 1374
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11852 1594
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

Fav 18 1348 8108
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

Fav 27 5644 1348
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16060 1747
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

Fav 19 4609 2406
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

Fav 21 1599 5948
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

Fav 21 6829 1355
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

Fav 14 10229 1426
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

Fav 39 6720 1952
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

Fav 30 8449 1489
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

Fav 33 5148 2564
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

Fav 25 6118 1546
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19222 1731
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

Fav 20 1688 5469
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10058 1478
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

They have a pepper shaker for pot.

Fav 8 4819 1225
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7967 1543
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

Fav 48 9209 1623
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17912 1673
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9808 1961
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

Fav 18 8102 1542
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

Fav 28 4672 1606
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

Fav 11 1511 5558
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

Fav 13 6571 1327
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

Fav 19 5674 3039
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

Fav 20 11116 1675
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..

Fav 35 1997 3508
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10881 1594
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

Fav 25 2347 4340
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

Fav 12 6303 1487
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

Fav 17 5942 1649
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

Fav 4 886 3073
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8192 1389
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

Fav 41 9430 1420
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

Fav 15 4696 1487
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12915 2198
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

Fav 30 7457 1740
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

Fav 15 6199 1315
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

Fav 19 8302 1734
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.

Fav 14 4961 1194
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

Fav 53 12721 1796
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.

Fav 13 5628 1171
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

Fav 20 7117 1547
share tweet
(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

Fav 25 3355 5899
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

Fav 40 5267 1548
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt

Fav 17 2379 3422
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

Fav 48 29815 1502
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

Fav 48 2062 7707
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

Fav 5 5213 1636
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."

Fav 27 1516 4534
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Fav 23 7474 1282
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.

Fav 35 6487 1255
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9303 1176
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Fav 32 7424 1163
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

Fav 15 6933 1460
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19051 1433
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

Fav 59 6979 991
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

Fav 28 5133 1270
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

Fav 38 9112 1067
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

Fav 89 9574 2016
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

Fav 19 3055 7015
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

Fav 101 10974 1742
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21755 1483
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

Fav 44 1923 6529
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

Fav 32 7728 1123
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

Fav 18 5236 892
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

Fav 21 5836 1190
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

Fav 77 7846 1061
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

Fav 28 9088 1124
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19505 4223
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.

Fav 39 5358 988
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.

Fav 20 5476 1203
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20809 1555
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

Fav 36 5935 1041
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

Fav 17 6048 1104
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.

Fav 14 1226 1542
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.

Fav 28 1655 858
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.

Fav 11 1760 4397
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You guys coming?

(1-805): View more from California

We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure

Fav 4 2095 676
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

Fav 33 3424 884
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

Fav 20 3923 1005
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy

(1-602): View more from Arizona

amen to that sister

Fav 21 3846 1085
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.

Fav 15 3841 937
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

Fav 8 4280 912
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around

Fav 21 3914 971
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

Fav 59 4234 1015
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?

Fav 9 4328 1046
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.

Fav 15 4535 643
share tweet
(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

Fav 56 5185 1209
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself

Fav 19 4682 1185
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one

Fav 11 4731 782
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.

Fav 22 5119 824
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

Fav 20 5656 1378
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.

Fav 23 5437 978
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

time to smoke my breakfast

Fav 13 5485 1179
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.

Fav 20 6143 880
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

Fav 16 6693 1087
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

Fav 22 7496 1094
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

Fav 28 9050 991
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

Fav 64 9059 1269
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

Fav 60 11447 1129
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Fav 42 14770 1281
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41509 3925
share tweet
(818): View more from California

dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.

Fav 29 1432 5573
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

Fav 39 1631 5834
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

for doing what?

(248): View more from Michigan

for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

Fav 33 2904 850
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

Fav 32 4130 1173
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?

Fav 23 4258 1106
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

Fav 33 4798 1845
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

Fav 56 4428 842
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.

Fav 30 5498 1837
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

Fav 16 5287 1159
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?

Fav 47 5822 1094
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

Fav 23 6188 997
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88704 9675
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

Fav 29 1158 4933
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....

Fav 23 1228 4470
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.

Fav 18 4469 891
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.

Fav 45 5411 1297
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

Fav 32 6760 972
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

Fav 17 1091 6098
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now

Fav 3 3475 1084
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.

Fav 38 3415 798
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.

Fav 52 4413 953
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed

Fav 15 5327 1925
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

Fav 17 4762 870
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

Fav 27 4737 877
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day

Fav 29 6382 1583
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall

Fav 32 5624 880
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes

Fav 32 5912 1445
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

Fav 30 6474 1350
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

Fav 29 7925 1079
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

Fav 38 10678 1180
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

Fav 53 9502 1338
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

Fav 53 10607 1230
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

Fav 60 12817 1270
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

Fav 59 2016 5747
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.

Fav 101 6044 2000
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.

Fav 29 833 6204
share tweet
(619): View more from California

just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.

Fav 16 5583 1139
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

Fav 58 9598 1046
share tweet
(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

Fav 53 17478 1296
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34537 1817
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air

Fav 31 988 3830
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

Fav 36 1234 5695
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

Fav 32 2215 7004
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

Fav 39 2270 8304
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

Fav 59 2346 3990
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.

Fav 18 2435 855
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?

Fav 27 2732 5198
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

Fav 48 3082 6383
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations

Fav 20 3256 825
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.

Fav 34 3287 1298
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.

Fav 67 3644 1037
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It smells like weed.

(720): View more from Colorado

We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.

Fav 41 4214 843
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner

Fav 38 3922 1038
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.

Fav 13 3885 894
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight

(1-804): View more from Virginia

i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed

Fav 38 4324 886
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I sold my books for weed money!

(302): View more from Delaware

Finals don't start for a week...

Fav 19 4379 2846
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

why does my vagina smell like weed?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg thats a great idea

Fav 30 4637 1088
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.

(573): View more from Missouri

Successful day.

Fav 26 4655 1583
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

Fav 21 4914 1034
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

Fav 17 4982 1004
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

Fav 25 5920 976
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed

Fav 20 5332 1471
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.

Fav 88 5691 1069
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

Fav 34 5958 1374
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...

Fav 113 6286 1657
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

Fav 27 6683 1087
share tweet
(530): View more from California

smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers

Fav 51 7321 1260
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college

Fav 40 7499 1066
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

Fav 64 9383 1210
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

Fav 59 10618 1306
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

Fav 89 11782 1098
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

Fav 109 13614 1465
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45276 2185
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

(617): View more from Massachusetts

then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

Fav 6 1191 4030
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.

Fav 43 898 4473
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced

Fav 35 1117 3475
share tweet
(369): View more from California

I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.

Fav 19 1295 4959
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.

Fav 21 1156 4124
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack

Fav 21 1388 888
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

Fav 19 1175 3408
share tweet
(408): View more from California

My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable

(818): View more from California

Freshman in high school? Just your type

Fav 2 2094 919
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.

(207): View more from Maine

sorry im really high

Fav 11 1323 1886
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

Fav 83 1290 4353
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?

(301): View more from Maryland

Nowhere

Fav 25 1277 2785
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.

Fav 18 1506 9604
share tweet
(721): View more from

That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

(703): View more from Virginia

omg, i know.

(721): View more from

we're too high.

Fav 26 1847 788
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.

Fav 25 1630 2483
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

Fav 39 1837 5209
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?

Fav 8 1470 3172
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour

Fav 10 1635 3545
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

Fav 23 1813 3081
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

Fav 65 2426 12815
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

Fav 23 2551 817
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

Fav 5 2635 1020
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

Fav 56 2061 3727
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

Fav 16 3316 1105
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

Fav 57 3364 1156
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

Fav 41 2516 5545
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

Fav 20 2800 1006
share tweet
(805): View more from California

i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

Fav 3 2488 847
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.

Fav 10 2403 936
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Why were you high on a thursday?

(1-650): View more from California

today's a wednesday

(650): View more from California

I asked first.

Fav 9 2788 808
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.

Fav 59 2673 1266
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .

Fav 17 3224 814
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

Fav 12 3511 967
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.

Fav 4 3208 899
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

Fav 16 3542 917
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high

Fav 69 3925 1097
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.

(206): View more from Washington

High?

(425): View more from Washington

hahahahaha turkey breast

Fav 41 4010 976
share tweet
(408): View more from California

i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.

Fav 12 3693 793
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

Fav 15 3806 1426
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

Fav 19 4075 1084
share tweet
(408): View more from California

No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.

Fav 10 3808 1171
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.

Fav 19 3917 1137
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.

Fav 14 3682 1007
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Who keeps a bong in their car??

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.

Fav 34 4075 971
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.

Fav 28 3792 1935
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

Fav 28 3892 1517
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.

Fav 44 3767 1101
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.

Fav 34 3795 2583
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

Fav 18 4159 1096
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.

Fav 22 3736 1367
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.

Fav 35 4133 1227
share tweet
(818): View more from California

you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures

Fav 14 4018 845
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?

Fav 12 4084 903
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

Fav 17 4550 894
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.

Fav 11 4068 895
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..

Fav 44 4689 1251
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song

Fav 13 4278 882
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone

Fav 37 4155 1159
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this

Fav 18 4191 826
share tweet
(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

Fav 21 4563 929
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse

(914): View more from New York

so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though

Fav 11 4608 887
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?

Fav 29 4360 989
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.

Fav 30 4564 955
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

Fav 21 4809 1028
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

Fav 14 5108 1102
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We got so high we made milksteak

Fav 45 4611 1477
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger

Fav 37 4574 1072
share tweet
(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

Fav 19 4889 1219
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.

Fav 16 4768 1021
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga

Fav 10 4941 1637
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.

Fav 18 4954 847
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.

Fav 72 4853 1224
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.

Fav 20 4829 1020
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

Fav 20 5161 965
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.

Fav 7 4926 1429
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open

Fav 18 5135 1035
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for

Fav 12 5010 831
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?

Fav 15 4939 1387
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

Fav 28 5169 1391
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

Fav 4 5175 834
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

Fav 31 5148 917
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

Fav 38 5134 1135
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man

Fav 16 5353 959
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I got "discovered a new religion high" last night

Fav 23 5281 1120
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

Fav 21 5242 899
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.

Fav 22 5234 924
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s

Fav 28 5362 954
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

Fav 19 6044 938
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.

Fav 23 5626 941
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.

Fav 20 5400 854
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

Fav 12 5665 1032
share tweet
(949): View more from California

so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.

Fav 37 5646 1099
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

Fav 13 6037 1179
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

Fav 42 5911 998
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

Fav 28 5641 800
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen

Fav 29 5608 998
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.

Fav 14 5837 1008
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer

Fav 69 5935 1739
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true

Fav 34 6000 1173
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.

Fav 66 6006 1844
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

Fav 26 6128 1148
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

Fav 21 6129 985
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

Fav 26 6423 1145
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

Fav 21 6392 1001
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

Fav 30 6481 1041
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

Fav 29 6688 999
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

Fav 43 6817 1030
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

Fav 16 6906 1067
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

Fav 31 7483 1149
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

Fav 38 7199 1070
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.

Fav 16 7089 1017
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

Fav 30 7171 1141
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

Fav 29 7427 1113
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

Fav 45 7163 1139
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

Fav 19 7384 1130
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours

Fav 23 7105 1261
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

Fav 16 8228 1088
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

Fav 31 8052 1247
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

Fav 64 8372 1220
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

Fav 29 8273 954
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

Fav 45 8026 1387
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

Fav 66 7701 1146
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

Fav 14 8255 1058
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

Fav 18 8560 987
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

Fav 33 8578 1044
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10875 1421
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

Fav 21 8661 1195
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

Fav 53 9647 1195
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

Fav 68 9284 1071
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

Fav 90 12653 1529
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

Fav 36 13006 1292
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

Fav 29 11188 1137
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

Fav 10 11231 1001
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

Fav 52 13145 1311
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

Fav 109 13838 2390
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

Fav 131 14932 3471
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18662 1506
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115811 11194
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

Fav 18 1786 6963
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

Fav 18 4506 917
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records

Fav 23 4934 873
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

Fav 18 6614 942
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

Fav 27 7426 937
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

Fav 40 3960 1416
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

Fav 14 5083 879
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday

Fav 36 6209 886
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

Fav 43 6759 1321
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

Fav 14 2297 904
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

Fav 8 2672 1043
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

Fav 37 3131 753
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

(810): View more from Michigan

I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

Fav 17 3390 1109
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life

Fav 10 3557 1044
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Really stoned

(440): View more from Ohio

just sent my roommate on a cheese run

Fav 19 3786 806
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we

Fav 14 3714 896
share tweet
(805): View more from California

as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"

(1-805): View more from California

uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win

Fav 10 4011 1123
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.

Fav 14 3953 918
share tweet
(909): View more from California

You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

Fav 24 4218 1184
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.

Fav 54 4622 1038
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

Fav 16 5346 1023
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.

Fav 10 1626 816
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned

Fav 2 1501 795
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway

Fav 17 1236 3958
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass

(352): View more from Florida

godspeed.

Fav 14 5434 919
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.

Fav 36 5191 932
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

Fav 39 5582 1077
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am

Fav 30 5310 970
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

Fav 19 5835 1353
share tweet
(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

Fav 25 6186 1392
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world

Fav 40 6023 1808
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

Fav 26 6063 1504
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)

Fav 15 6269 929
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

Fav 20 6255 891
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

Fav 22 6412 1033
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

Fav 26 7084 1146
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

Fav 55 11647 1964
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

Fav 36 17421 1384
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

Fav 48 1403 4616
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

Fav 21 2142 6124
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to

Fav 16 3462 1043
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.

Fav 17 3488 972
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.

Fav 40 4461 913
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

Fav 41 4872 1303
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

Fav 32 5299 903
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?

Fav 23 5233 1034
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

Fav 24 5681 942
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

Fav 70 7451 1013
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

Fav 45 24498 1548
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

Fav 18 6210 961
share tweet