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I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
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