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The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i came on her dog
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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