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i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
if i can run in heels then i can drive
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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