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Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
NoShamevember. You game?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How external is "for external use only"?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
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