Texts From Last Night

ellieishyphy's Favorites Texts:

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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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  (715): I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today. http://tfl.nu/aa1v
  Replies (22) Good night (5157) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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  (907): She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone. http://tfl.nu/lil1
  Replies (7) Good night (3563) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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  (712): He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded. http://tfl.nu/0j6f
  Replies (8) Good night (1649) Bad night (3363) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  where are you?

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Hypothermia

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  (443): where are you? (240): Hypothermia http://tfl.nu/1rtk
  Replies (20) Good night (2027) Bad night (3735)
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  (714): View more from California

  he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick

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  (714): he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick http://tfl.nu/v3uh
  Replies (14) Good night (4568) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
  Replies (37) Good night (13191) Bad night (1071) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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  (408): He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina http://tfl.nu/ro7i
  Replies (27) Good night (849) Bad night (8600) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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  (228): He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him. http://tfl.nu/emw6
  Replies (10) Good night (1064) Bad night (2642) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes

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  (917): Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes http://tfl.nu/vn7y
  Replies (16) Good night (906) Bad night (4363) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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  (702): And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now. http://tfl.nu/so7u
  Replies (7) Good night (728) Bad night (3198) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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  (828): you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas. http://tfl.nu/fgpp
  Replies (10) Good night (5294) Bad night (909) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
  Replies (14) Good night (9362) Bad night (2182) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back

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  (215): while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back http://tfl.nu/nfcm
  Replies (7) Good night (3496) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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  (267): Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer http://tfl.nu/2v54
  Replies (26) Good night (4661) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
  Replies (11) Good night (8641) Bad night (1836) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.

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  (217): I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral. http://tfl.nu/5sn1
  Replies (14) Good night (798) Bad night (4470) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

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  (518): I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!! http://tfl.nu/03oq
  Replies (21) Good night (4572) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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  (248): I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh http://tfl.nu/l3fg
  Replies (10) Good night (1143) Bad night (3379) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

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  (401): He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity.. http://tfl.nu/e3ua
  Replies (16) Good night (2098) Bad night (4685) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
  Replies (26) Good night (7072) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.

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  (715): I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to. http://tfl.nu/bxlt
  Replies (8) Good night (814) Bad night (3728) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.

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  (317): Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex. http://tfl.nu/7i2a
  Replies (15) Good night (1021) Bad night (4096) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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  (617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore. http://tfl.nu/p0bd
  Replies (32) Good night (1876) Bad night (6330) Order T-Shirt
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  (894): View more from

  just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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  (894): just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit http://tfl.nu/2422
  Replies (16) Good night (7045) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks

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  (440): Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks http://tfl.nu/2p99
  Replies (17) Good night (4549) Bad night (1620) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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  (502): She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused. http://tfl.nu/76xl
  Replies (17) Good night (1926) Bad night (2535) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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  (845): The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy http://tfl.nu/dldv
  Replies (46) Good night (993) Bad night (5265) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.

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  (815): I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much. http://tfl.nu/aut4
  Replies (12) Good night (3107) Bad night (1832) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope

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  (412): basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope http://tfl.nu/brdy
  Replies (28) Good night (1116) Bad night (4504) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14307) Bad night (2663) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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  (708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0
  Replies (22) Good night (3091) Bad night (5615) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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  (713): We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love. http://tfl.nu/9dmy
  Replies (37) Good night (4816) Bad night (2701) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  You would...

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  (204): So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone. (1-204): You would... http://tfl.nu/ljy4
  Replies (14) Good night (1006) Bad night (3370) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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  (+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other. http://tfl.nu/nigv
  Replies (29) Good night (6707) Bad night (1366) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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  (720): At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course http://tfl.nu/67cn
  Replies (25) Good night (5005) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
  Replies (19) Good night (8139) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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  (718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary. http://tfl.nu/e3xl
  Replies (155) Good night (7973) Bad night (8282) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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  (530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt
  Replies (23) Good night (6485) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

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  (970): Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/9pof
  Replies (17) Good night (920) Bad night (5166) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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  (586): If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/9are
  Replies (26) Good night (4232) Bad night (952)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
  Replies (46) Good night (9509) Bad night (1256)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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  (703): But I thought everyone had breakup sex? http://tfl.nu/04j7
  Replies (24) Good night (5013) Bad night (1368) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.

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  (314): I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/5nj6
  Replies (28) Good night (1606) Bad night (3616) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later

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  (336): maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later http://tfl.nu/sccq
  Replies (18) Good night (684) Bad night (3357) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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  (405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu
  Replies (65) Good night (3291) Bad night (6406) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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  (203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah
  Replies (31) Good night (5375) Bad night (1044) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.

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  (847): Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do. http://tfl.nu/qkwv
  Replies (16) Good night (820) Bad night (3561) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
  Replies (38) Good night (10931) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.

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  (504): I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this. http://tfl.nu/j9b2
  Replies (10) Good night (3873) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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  (603): I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me... http://tfl.nu/t4o6
  Replies (22) Good night (1123) Bad night (3698) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

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  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
  Replies (26) Good night (9606) Bad night (981)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12721) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down

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  (978): if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down http://tfl.nu/hyp3
  Replies (22) Good night (697) Bad night (2990) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
  Replies (17) Good night (9063) Bad night (1054)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

  (347): View more from New York

  I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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  (917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement. (347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/2bcu
  Replies (14) Good night (1005) Bad night (4727)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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  (252): its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get http://tfl.nu/sb3f
  Replies (18) Good night (1125) Bad night (3851) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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  (813): my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me http://tfl.nu/uytx
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good

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  (413): well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good http://tfl.nu/4dfc
  Replies (17) Good night (3547) Bad night (1745) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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  (318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior. http://tfl.nu/48ho
  Replies (17) Good night (4975) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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  (609): I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied http://tfl.nu/rkdz
  Replies (18) Good night (881) Bad night (3986)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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  (816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf
  Replies (42) Good night (6134) Bad night (1596) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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  (708): I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off. http://tfl.nu/0f1b
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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  (317): cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome http://tfl.nu/yrg8
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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  (859): thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that. http://tfl.nu/160n
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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  (630): Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me. http://tfl.nu/4ss8
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (516): View more from New York

  Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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  (516): Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21? http://tfl.nu/nv55
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  i do.

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  (256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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  (770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming

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  (862): this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming http://tfl.nu/d5m0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i dont even know how to be here

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  (973): i dont even know how to be here http://tfl.nu/mwy9
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (916): View more from California

  I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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  (916): I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences" http://tfl.nu/bi6b
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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  (303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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  (540): i really wish james franco would like my vagina http://tfl.nu/g4mj
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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  (440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana. http://tfl.nu/g8b3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
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  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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  (513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne
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  (718): View more from New York

  you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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  (718): you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water... http://tfl.nu/djs2
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.

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  (905): You had a beer at 10:30 this morning? (1-905): Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol. http://tfl.nu/apvz
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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  (443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you should get a family discount.

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  (770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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  (610): The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices. http://tfl.nu/tdjd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

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  (630): i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on http://tfl.nu/rm4w
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
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  (949): View more from California

  Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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  (949): Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way http://tfl.nu/t96w
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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  (614): Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge" http://tfl.nu/439j
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  (650): View more from California

  Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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  (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You're upset about this?

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  (803): We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF? (843): You're upset about this? http://tfl.nu/f42n
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

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  (434): I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents. http://tfl.nu/eibu
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  time to smoke my breakfast

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  (724): time to smoke my breakfast http://tfl.nu/9r0k
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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  (205): I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand... http://tfl.nu/3a2z
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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  (501): I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay (602): I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay" http://tfl.nu/cfbv
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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  (902): I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night. http://tfl.nu/vppz
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  (727): View more from Florida

  just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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  (727): just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer http://tfl.nu/wsrg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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  (443): I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation http://tfl.nu/w8jm
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  (315): View more from New York

  I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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  (315): I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions. http://tfl.nu/6xcw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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  (817): I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe. http://tfl.nu/w5m0
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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  (804): i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore http://tfl.nu/d307
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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  (480): Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy http://tfl.nu/pa3a
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  let's bang

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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  (216): let's bang (773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no. http://tfl.nu/cr4i
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts

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  (248): I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts http://tfl.nu/hn1f
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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  (613): oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt http://tfl.nu/x2m1
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  "reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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  (515): "reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time. http://tfl.nu/in1x
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  (631): View more from New York

  what you doin?

  (516): View more from New York

  I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

  (631): View more from New York

  reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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  (631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83
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  (805): View more from California

  Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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  (805): Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy. http://tfl.nu/cdtm
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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  (303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0
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  (347): View more from New York

  Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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  (347): Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account. http://tfl.nu/m8a3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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  (610): I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families (570): That statement alone makes me laugh so hard. http://tfl.nu/jdb3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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  (303): Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners. http://tfl.nu/xe1g
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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  (515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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  (724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose. http://tfl.nu/bo74
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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  (201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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  (918): She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in. http://tfl.nu/ogcc
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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  (918): We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent http://tfl.nu/74gr
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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  (615): Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline http://tfl.nu/p67r
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?

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  (717): so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong? http://tfl.nu/4brz
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  (510): View more from California

  I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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  (510): I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK. http://tfl.nu/4l82
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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  (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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  (630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons.... (1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father? http://tfl.nu/vh34
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I gave up sex for lent.

  (646): View more from New York

  I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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  (678): I gave up sex for lent. (646): I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter. http://tfl.nu/87gp
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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  (706): I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song. (1-706): I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina. http://tfl.nu/b2qf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  i can respect that.

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  (404): on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you. (1-404): i can respect that. http://tfl.nu/fvjd
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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  (978): literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me http://tfl.nu/9ayb
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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  (256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table (1-256): whatd she say to you? (256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle http://tfl.nu/mg7u
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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  (201): Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one. http://tfl.nu/7onj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?

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  (425): OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy? http://tfl.nu/azer
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I wish I only lived at night.

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  (734): I wish I only lived at night. http://tfl.nu/lkra
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

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  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
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  (352): View more from Florida

  What are you doing?

  (352): View more from Florida

  High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

  (352): View more from Florida

  That guy could sell me cancer.

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  (352): What are you doing? (352): High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials... (352): That guy could sell me cancer. http://tfl.nu/gkwe
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  (206): View more from Washington

  when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.

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  (206): when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp. http://tfl.nu/bpd1
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Becoming a productive member of society?

  (509): View more from Washington

  Sam. Come on.

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  (509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? (860): Becoming a productive member of society? (509): Sam. Come on. http://tfl.nu/hrkz
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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  (301): I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry http://tfl.nu/c00a
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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  (614): Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy? http://tfl.nu/swws
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  (315): View more from New York

  You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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  (315): You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery? http://tfl.nu/9jay
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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