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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's always time for handjobs
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Quick, to the slutcave!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ttyl tear gas
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You're like the curious george of whores
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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