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That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
No. That's why it's odd
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just cropdusted the office
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
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