Texts From Last Night

demond9586's Favorites Texts:

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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"

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  (336): Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem" http://tfl.nu/nmt9
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security

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  (479): He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security http://tfl.nu/nae6
  Replies (2) Good night (436) Bad night (73) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.

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  (207): By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms. http://tfl.nu/wdsi
  Replies (5) Good night (340) Bad night (87) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."

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  (518): There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina." http://tfl.nu/mvmf
  Replies (3) Good night (646) Bad night (73)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

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  (416): cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/bx4b
  Replies (3) Good night (692) Bad night (138)
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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  (971): you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON http://tfl.nu/6e6p
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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  (423): hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT. http://tfl.nu/qhme
  Replies (5) Good night (1384) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  "I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

  (269): View more from Michigan

  "Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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  (269): "I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken (269): "Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy http://tfl.nu/49f2
  Replies (7) Good night (1375) Bad night (501)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??

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  (304): Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun?? http://tfl.nu/lwzi
  Replies (3) Good night (730) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6768) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?

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  (480): Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night? http://tfl.nu/lw86
  Replies (7) Good night (371) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  What should I say back?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Straight into my pants.

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  (541): What should I say back? (1-541): Well, how do you want the conversation to go? (541): Straight into my pants. http://tfl.nu/5wls
  Replies (2) Good night (1384) Bad night (167)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.

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  (410): Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience. http://tfl.nu/sg6n
  Replies (3) Good night (790) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  How was the party last night?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.

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  (386): How was the party last night? (918): I'm dangerously close to shitting myself. http://tfl.nu/f0x1
  Replies (3) Good night (375) Bad night (710)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.

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  (770): I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid. http://tfl.nu/3jns
  Replies (2) Good night (1216) Bad night (171) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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  (904): It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics http://tfl.nu/x92g
  Replies (1) Good night (571) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?

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  (802): Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter? http://tfl.nu/jufp
  Replies (7) Good night (921) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173080) Bad night (6901) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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  (740): He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker. http://tfl.nu/ldq8
  Replies (18) Good night (3573) Bad night (1763) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Is cereal technically a soup?

  (310): View more from California

  Fuck, I'm high.

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  (310): Is cereal technically a soup? (310): Fuck, I'm high. http://tfl.nu/od51
  Replies (9) Good night (1285) Bad night (216)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.

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  (773): This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real. http://tfl.nu/vkv3
  Replies (3) Good night (434) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.

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  (850): Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours. http://tfl.nu/ipen
  Replies (9) Good night (2352) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  do you want to shower with me?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower

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  (973): do you want to shower with me? (215): only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower http://tfl.nu/5xd8
  Replies (3) Good night (711) Bad night (196)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

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  (717): As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!" http://tfl.nu/v5cm
  Replies (2) Good night (1098) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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  (614): telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though. http://tfl.nu/tou6
  Replies (10) Good night (1575) Bad night (330)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.

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  (512): Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely. http://tfl.nu/gnvv
  Replies (4) Good night (891) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.

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  (337): He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked. http://tfl.nu/vhc3
  Replies (3) Good night (730) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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  (815): Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?" http://tfl.nu/0929
  Replies (3) Good night (1171) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
  Replies (10) Good night (4975) Bad night (648)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

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  (505): Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit. http://tfl.nu/tchi
  Replies (3) Good night (1157) Bad night (247) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

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  (240): I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos. http://tfl.nu/cwl9
  Replies (3) Good night (990) Bad night (239) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD

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  (724): Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD http://tfl.nu/rhmm
  Replies (4) Good night (800) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

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  (817): Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday. http://tfl.nu/w47f
  Replies (9) Good night (2684) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

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  (210): no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked http://tfl.nu/pl9e
  Replies (10) Good night (3047) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant

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  (702): The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant http://tfl.nu/bd42
  Replies (9) Good night (925) Bad night (534)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.

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  (228): Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well. http://tfl.nu/vvbh
  Replies (10) Good night (995) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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  (510): This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him. http://tfl.nu/bezf
  Replies (18) Good night (1581) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?

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  (816): This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head. (1-816): Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!" (573): Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I? http://tfl.nu/8ei3
  Replies (8) Good night (1387) Bad night (327)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.

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  (515): We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high. http://tfl.nu/7iqu
  Replies (13) Good night (1133) Bad night (265) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."

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  (504): And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone." http://tfl.nu/d5h9
  Replies (15) Good night (2607) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.

  (1-951): View more from California

  I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.

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  (951): Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny. (1-951): I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection. http://tfl.nu/lb55
  Replies (3) Good night (967) Bad night (291)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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  (570): She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/lhd6
  Replies (0) Good night (1114) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.

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  (313): So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk. http://tfl.nu/79dj
  Replies (4) Good night (1998) Bad night (480)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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  (615): you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here http://tfl.nu/rzkr
  Replies (2) Good night (938) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"

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  (+44): He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis" http://tfl.nu/c89r
  Replies (4) Good night (296) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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  (970): I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dlw8
  Replies (5) Good night (2227) Bad night (319)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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  (434): They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me. http://tfl.nu/rhi7
  Replies (3) Good night (1764) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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  (206): I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/0ln2
  Replies (7) Good night (2392) Bad night (257)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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  (719): Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever. http://tfl.nu/fluu
  Replies (24) Good night (353) Bad night (3777) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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  (519): You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month. http://tfl.nu/3065
  Replies (9) Good night (1981) Bad night (554)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

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  (214): he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies http://tfl.nu/w2ol
  Replies (4) Good night (3032) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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  (916): So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones. http://tfl.nu/pw89
  Replies (9) Good night (2200) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt