deeleeds's Favorites Texts:

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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?

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  (304): I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed? http://tfl.nu/vp1b
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm about to be a big disappointment.

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  (405): Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake. (405): I'm about to be a big disappointment. http://tfl.nu/y7r2
  Replies (2) Good night (516) Bad night (174)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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  (912): Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles. (404): STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!! http://tfl.nu/hvx1
  Replies (18) Good night (2699) Bad night (358)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you

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  (502): I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you http://tfl.nu/6iu1
  Replies (3) Good night (670) Bad night (142) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.

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  (613): Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived. http://tfl.nu/meie
  Replies (5) Good night (1174) Bad night (139) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...

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  (805): All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend... http://tfl.nu/o1px
  Replies (4) Good night (164) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.

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  (405): In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day. (405): I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me. http://tfl.nu/iy6i
  Replies (3) Good night (680) Bad night (283)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.

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  (206): I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come. http://tfl.nu/a9r3
  Replies (0) Good night (559) Bad night (160)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?

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  (812): Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout? http://tfl.nu/r4f3
  Replies (9) Good night (217) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

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  (913): did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom http://tfl.nu/xnj2
  Replies (5) Good night (1719) Bad night (233)
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  (442): View more from California

  Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.

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  (442): Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always. http://tfl.nu/0ay8
  Replies (5) Good night (349) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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  (706): URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll? http://tfl.nu/orbc
  Replies (16) Good night (1425) Bad night (179)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..

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  (770): I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair.. http://tfl.nu/10ie
  Replies (6) Good night (476) Bad night (230) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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  (318): A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?" http://tfl.nu/oinl
  Replies (5) Good night (1364) Bad night (205) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

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  (860): he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE. http://tfl.nu/wid5
  Replies (5) Good night (759) Bad night (154) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.

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  (954): Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me. http://tfl.nu/26mx
  Replies (3) Good night (707) Bad night (129)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.

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  (616): Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah. http://tfl.nu/bo14
  Replies (6) Good night (665) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard

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  (408): No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard http://tfl.nu/3xoe
  Replies (3) Good night (449) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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  (914): Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket. http://tfl.nu/amsn
  Replies (4) Good night (1708) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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  (774): So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore. (508): Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth http://tfl.nu/ay7w
  Replies (2) Good night (1482) Bad night (204)
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (2800) Bad night (254)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.

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  (860): I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't. http://tfl.nu/dn0x
  Replies (4) Good night (812) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

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  (512): You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid." http://tfl.nu/wv53
  Replies (4) Good night (1598) Bad night (280)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"

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  (814): In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?" http://tfl.nu/nk2c
  Replies (2) Good night (915) Bad night (275)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

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  (775): He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/4swv
  Replies (11) Good night (1838) Bad night (329)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn

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  (615): May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn http://tfl.nu/hucd
  Replies (4) Good night (701) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye

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  (307): I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye http://tfl.nu/lqr2
  Replies (1) Good night (910) Bad night (177)
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  (510): View more from California

  how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?

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  (510): how many people can say they bit their tattoo off? http://tfl.nu/3vcv
  Replies (4) Good night (218) Bad night (1382) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.

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  (423): Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill. http://tfl.nu/tqj8
  Replies (2) Good night (1160) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  You gays are geniuses

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  (931): I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now (1-931): You gays are geniuses http://tfl.nu/19l5
  Replies (6) Good night (1293) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.

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  (314): My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done. http://tfl.nu/u7ub
  Replies (1) Good night (690) Bad night (183)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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  (254): I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits. http://tfl.nu/syex
  Replies (10) Good night (933) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.

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  (817): I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday. http://tfl.nu/g52l
  Replies (5) Good night (291) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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  (610): BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON http://tfl.nu/ic7e
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  (914): View more from New York

  THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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  (914): THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED http://tfl.nu/eqdp
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.

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  (405): Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk. http://tfl.nu/bh9n
  Replies (2) Good night (822) Bad night (164)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
  Replies (7) Good night (1375) Bad night (190)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  was it you?

  (802): View more from Vermont

  ...yes

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  (802): just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store (203): was it you? (802): ...yes http://tfl.nu/br4h
  Replies (7) Good night (2150) Bad night (228)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2759) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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  (401): I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE. http://tfl.nu/jvh7
  Replies (8) Good night (417) Bad night (1416) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping

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  (403): Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping http://tfl.nu/43en
  Replies (6) Good night (1071) Bad night (153) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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  (607): The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??" http://tfl.nu/clw8
  Replies (4) Good night (1244) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.

  (619): View more from California

  he what???

  (760): View more from California

  Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.

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  (760): He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came. (619): he what??? (760): Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans. http://tfl.nu/7sag
  Replies (6) Good night (1757) Bad night (169)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Does he wear a cape??

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  (812): He said he wanted to "superfuck" me (678): Does he wear a cape?? http://tfl.nu/0f5n
  Replies (4) Good night (1335) Bad night (191)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Lets go hit some boners bro!

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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  (989): Lets go hit some boners bro! (1-989): I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk. http://tfl.nu/w0yr
  Replies (7) Good night (2232) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He could stay over, if you'd just ask.

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"

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  (706): He could stay over, if you'd just ask. (912): Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not" http://tfl.nu/x11w
  Replies (10) Good night (1033) Bad night (169)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.

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  (443): You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere. http://tfl.nu/84cy
  Replies (7) Good night (1317) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.

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  (312): Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available. http://tfl.nu/293f
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.

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  (918): I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated. http://tfl.nu/rg2y
  Replies (2) Good night (776) Bad night (219)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants

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  (615): those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants http://tfl.nu/jm8o
  Replies (13) Good night (483) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gonna be tough to beat that next year!

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  (508): So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party. (508): Gonna be tough to beat that next year! http://tfl.nu/374f
  Replies (2) Good night (640) Bad night (171)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.

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  (309): They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault. http://tfl.nu/0avq
  Replies (1) Good night (593) Bad night (240)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.

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  (502): Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain. http://tfl.nu/4o3l
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad

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  (203): But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad http://tfl.nu/s23a
  Replies (5) Good night (974) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.

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  (309): Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks. http://tfl.nu/tka4
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma

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  (920): I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma http://tfl.nu/6gw3
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  (949): View more from California

  You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

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  (949): You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker" http://tfl.nu/29yd
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  (904): View more from Florida

  It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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  (904): It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics http://tfl.nu/x92g
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

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  (520): Are we in any of the areas with tornados? (931): Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/dq1c
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.

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  (720): Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up. http://tfl.nu/96a6
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.

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  (678): Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques. http://tfl.nu/wk2i
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?

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  (208): Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going? http://tfl.nu/zcy2
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  (310): View more from California

  I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.

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  (310): I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it. http://tfl.nu/9g38
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it

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  (701): He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it http://tfl.nu/1dio
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20

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  (734): Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20 http://tfl.nu/rssu
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.

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  (205): You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food. http://tfl.nu/oef6
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?

  (406): View more from Montana

  Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  (239): Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ? (406): Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/y05k
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip

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  (775): We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip http://tfl.nu/afxb
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver

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  (219): i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver http://tfl.nu/fqhq
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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  (515): I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me. http://tfl.nu/axuf
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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  (503): Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it. http://tfl.nu/rbw2
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!

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  (616): which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?! http://tfl.nu/hp73
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?

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  (570): You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award? http://tfl.nu/wwxx
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.

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  (206): He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober. http://tfl.nu/q7n9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

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  (404): If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy" http://tfl.nu/w6q2
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  You rock my world.

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  (417): I just smoked weed out of a baked potato. (309): You rock my world. http://tfl.nu/p2ud
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  (516): View more from New York

  I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

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  (516): I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are. http://tfl.nu/mo3l
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

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  (717): As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!" http://tfl.nu/v5cm
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

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  (215): i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out http://tfl.nu/4dk0
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  (805): View more from California

  Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.

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  (805): Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING. http://tfl.nu/oyjz
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

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  (573): You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night. http://tfl.nu/alam
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities

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  (419): Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities http://tfl.nu/xynh
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower

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  (262): I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower http://tfl.nu/cieg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals

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  (330): i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals http://tfl.nu/vtga
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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  (307): We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying. http://tfl.nu/19ej
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Basically.

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  (918): Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god. (1-918): Basically. http://tfl.nu/nlil
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing

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  (907): I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing http://tfl.nu/5qyn
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  (206): View more from Washington

  dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me

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  (206): dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me http://tfl.nu/vdsq
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.

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  (434): This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair. http://tfl.nu/7doa
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You left wolverine marks

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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  (910): You left wolverine marks (1-910): I'm somewhere between sorry and proud http://tfl.nu/d8w1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You burned the hair off your arms. Again.

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  It grows back stronger each time.

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  (203): You burned the hair off your arms. Again. (860): It grows back stronger each time. http://tfl.nu/ybhf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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  (617): We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this. http://tfl.nu/dyzt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?

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  (513): Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed? http://tfl.nu/wl2q
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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  (612): He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this. http://tfl.nu/vp0n
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  (619): View more from California

  He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.

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  (619): He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft. http://tfl.nu/kmfz
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.

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  (763): The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/um2t
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.

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  (314): Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night. http://tfl.nu/wauu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.

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  (908): I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice. http://tfl.nu/l50v
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.

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  (704): Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water. http://tfl.nu/djc8
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse

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  (651): I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse http://tfl.nu/8kf4
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.

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  (636): Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy. http://tfl.nu/5193
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?

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  (954): I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested? http://tfl.nu/lmn2
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  (607): View more from New York

  Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!

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  (607): Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?! http://tfl.nu/6znz
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.

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  (801): She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime. http://tfl.nu/hokk
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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  (972): Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT http://tfl.nu/8ret
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.

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  (602): After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her. http://tfl.nu/mkbl
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless

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  (920): I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless http://tfl.nu/u2yk
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think we have a problem.

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  (814): I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom. (724): I think we have a problem. http://tfl.nu/1uid
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

  (214): View more from Texas

  WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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  (214): Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea (214): WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO http://tfl.nu/eu05
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.

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  (502): He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine. http://tfl.nu/krqd
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.

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  (401): He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached. http://tfl.nu/uw2g
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.

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  (520): That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky. http://tfl.nu/gdoe
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

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  (614): You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning. http://tfl.nu/s4j6
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

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  (734): Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life. http://tfl.nu/cgob
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...

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  (405): I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes... (918): Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly... http://tfl.nu/fe10
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat

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  (205): Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat http://tfl.nu/n66h
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.

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  (920): No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight. http://tfl.nu/0s2q
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.

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  (985): I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on. http://tfl.nu/xcia
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place

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  (575): Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place http://tfl.nu/vq1o
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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  (605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet. http://tfl.nu/kmib
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.

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  (515): My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker. http://tfl.nu/y9qd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying

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  (312): I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying http://tfl.nu/bo49
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous

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  (515): Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous http://tfl.nu/c0i4
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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  (540): Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home" http://tfl.nu/xfn6
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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  (215): i came so hard i kicked through my windshield http://tfl.nu/sfns
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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  (203): i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies (1-203): you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties http://tfl.nu/44vj
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...

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  (469): I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom... http://tfl.nu/pwb7
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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  (910): She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere http://tfl.nu/frtj
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

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  (903): Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned. http://tfl.nu/e67l
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.

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  (208): I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise. http://tfl.nu/iv1d
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  (627): View more from California

  some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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  (627): some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/adi8
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  (619): View more from California

  Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...

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  (619): Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence... http://tfl.nu/bv13
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.

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  (253): Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead. http://tfl.nu/ww0m
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv

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  (317): His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv http://tfl.nu/yd6c
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.

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  (304): The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me. http://tfl.nu/eykr
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead

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  (302): It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead http://tfl.nu/d4qx
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?

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  (330): Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that? http://tfl.nu/r624
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

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  (240): I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos. http://tfl.nu/cwl9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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  (541): I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer. http://tfl.nu/oba2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five

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  (703): Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow (703): I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five http://tfl.nu/rklf
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  (714): View more from California

  Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.

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  (714): Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym. http://tfl.nu/t6kc
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.

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  (906): Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22. http://tfl.nu/rw17
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway

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  (803): Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway http://tfl.nu/xe68
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport

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  (515): So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport http://tfl.nu/uoc3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead

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  (850): My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead http://tfl.nu/ahqq
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  (716): View more from New York

  he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."

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  (716): he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...." http://tfl.nu/2b45
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.

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  (720): she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent. http://tfl.nu/e5i7
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit

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  (312): Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit http://tfl.nu/kckq
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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  (484): She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months. http://tfl.nu/6km6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things

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  (248): Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things http://tfl.nu/ht36
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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  (270): I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right? (1-270): It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking. http://tfl.nu/u0kh
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  (360): View more from Washington

  ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

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  (360): ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all. http://tfl.nu/5hyy
  Replies (9) Good night (1935) Bad night (337)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!

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  (705): There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!! http://tfl.nu/7xwk
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

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  (512): I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again. http://tfl.nu/arot
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.

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  (540): He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room. http://tfl.nu/7y89
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.

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  (302): As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial. http://tfl.nu/egux
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

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  (406): She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! http://tfl.nu/q2ei
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

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  (269): My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night." http://tfl.nu/krw1
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  (409): View more from Texas

  There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you

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  (409): There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you http://tfl.nu/exfd
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  (510): View more from California

  She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.

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  (510): She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again. http://tfl.nu/2r7a
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  (845): View more from New York

  The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.

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  (845): The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction. http://tfl.nu/75bn
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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  (270): I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night... http://tfl.nu/q37f
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.

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  (412): I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause. http://tfl.nu/76t1
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.

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  (612): I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck. http://tfl.nu/k122
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Do you have paint?

  (727): View more from Florida

  Paint? I wish

  (727): View more from Florida

  OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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  (352): Do you have paint? (727): Paint? I wish (727): OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING http://tfl.nu/qyml
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look

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  (254): I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look http://tfl.nu/jucs
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real

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  (319): God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real http://tfl.nu/8qp8
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  (210): View more from Texas

  my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...

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  (210): my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me... http://tfl.nu/0ufz
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x

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  (+44): No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x http://tfl.nu/ydw7
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me

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  (573): I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me http://tfl.nu/p784
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.

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  (250): She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever. http://tfl.nu/asbh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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  (508): Let me tell you the story of bicurious george http://tfl.nu/xwje
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.

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  (859): I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK. http://tfl.nu/lcdi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom

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  (815): I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom http://tfl.nu/3qo4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.

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  (919): You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again. http://tfl.nu/rhb2
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  (425): View more from Washington

  So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

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  (425): So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt? http://tfl.nu/9qop
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.

  (1-704): View more from North Carolina

  Celebratory bar crawl?

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  (704): Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends. (1-704): Celebratory bar crawl? http://tfl.nu/s5bh
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.

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  (724): If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant. http://tfl.nu/s61d
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  YES.

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  (513): People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join? (1-513): YES. http://tfl.nu/e51l
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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  (705): My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class. http://tfl.nu/olmr
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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  (608): On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke. http://tfl.nu/f19p
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.

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  (412): so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head? (724): stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final. http://tfl.nu/zs0y
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'

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  (410): I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like' http://tfl.nu/uuvy
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

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  (706): See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working http://tfl.nu/fcot
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.

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  (513): These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours. http://tfl.nu/mjj7
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Fuhga

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Thank you.

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  (250): The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive. (905): Fuhga (250): Thank you. http://tfl.nu/3pok
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy

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  (608): He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy http://tfl.nu/uss1
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I come from her. Holy hell.

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  (404): After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now" (404): I come from her. Holy hell. http://tfl.nu/sgm7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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  (440): Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick? http://tfl.nu/vf93
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Why is there broken glass in my purse?

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting

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  (403): Why is there broken glass in my purse? (1-403): You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting http://tfl.nu/xg38
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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  (309): well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly http://tfl.nu/pg5j
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.

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  (503): Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting. http://tfl.nu/qfm2
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

  (830): View more from Texas

  well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

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  (830): I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time (830): well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from http://tfl.nu/l1gr
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..

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  (727): Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter.. http://tfl.nu/a2wm
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

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  (312): Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows. http://tfl.nu/kvi1
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?

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  (615): Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport? http://tfl.nu/4yvq
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.

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  (517): Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals. http://tfl.nu/q6vr
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

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  (413): You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it http://tfl.nu/hn11
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?

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  (309): Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs? http://tfl.nu/hddn
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.

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  (970): She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic. http://tfl.nu/fis2
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  (760): View more from California

  Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.

  (432): View more from Texas

  You're so wise.

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  (760): Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants. (432): You're so wise. http://tfl.nu/48zw
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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  (217): I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits http://tfl.nu/cv3j
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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  (847): The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking. (312): Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE http://tfl.nu/m86e
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  (435): View more from Utah

  It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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  (435): It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk. http://tfl.nu/lvra
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  (830): View more from Texas

  Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.

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  (830): Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it. http://tfl.nu/ngu5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm

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  (416): also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm http://tfl.nu/isvl
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  (585): View more from New York

  Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?

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  (585): Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain? http://tfl.nu/ljpg
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it

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  (828): Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it http://tfl.nu/gdjw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?

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  (617): Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night? http://tfl.nu/bhmq
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Tis the season.

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  (309): I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring. (1-309): Tis the season. http://tfl.nu/pjke
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  (585): View more from New York

  WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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  (585): WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY! http://tfl.nu/cmgh
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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  (505): It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand. http://tfl.nu/gh3l
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  (518): View more from New York

  It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.

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  (518): It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic. http://tfl.nu/f2uk
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  (718): View more from New York

  So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.

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  (718): So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/to2r
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  (214): View more from Texas

  This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.

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  (214): This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family. http://tfl.nu/r35r
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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  (727): I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening? http://tfl.nu/i8s4
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  (925): View more from California

  I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

  (415): View more from California

  I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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  (925): I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time. (415): I still don't know how you've lived this long. http://tfl.nu/6ttn
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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  (410): It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole. http://tfl.nu/8vko
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

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  (770): Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to? http://tfl.nu/60if
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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  (202): Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship. http://tfl.nu/usel
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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  (602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm
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  (310): View more from California

  Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

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  (310): Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife. http://tfl.nu/3hkr
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  (530): View more from California

  All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.

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  (530): All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls. http://tfl.nu/uabx
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen

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  (720): I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen http://tfl.nu/240v
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  (874): View more from

  I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

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  (874): I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night! http://tfl.nu/sa7u
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.

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  (662): IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol. http://tfl.nu/ywt6
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?

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  (+31): So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it? http://tfl.nu/5fmg
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready

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  (262): he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready http://tfl.nu/cfza
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  (512): View more from Texas

  They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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  (512): They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do" http://tfl.nu/5kcu
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.

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  (605): If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van. http://tfl.nu/2zw8
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.

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  (859): You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary. http://tfl.nu/khbo
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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  (778): First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work http://tfl.nu/03ii
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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  (215): I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that. http://tfl.nu/2qs0
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.

  (936): View more from Texas

  You are the coolest girlfriend ever.

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  (903): Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us. (936): You are the coolest girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/hjex
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?

  (863): View more from Florida

  I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on

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  (240): Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister? (863): I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on http://tfl.nu/xj2m
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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  (541): It's like the blind leading the senile over here. (541): UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili. http://tfl.nu/cgpf
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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  (208): He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in http://tfl.nu/d89r
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...

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  (404): I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle... http://tfl.nu/sqj1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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  (541): I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do. http://tfl.nu/nqe0
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you

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  (503): So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you http://tfl.nu/f848
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  (914): View more from New York

  She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.

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  (914): She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch. http://tfl.nu/fvbm
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  our poor poor cab driver

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  (267): you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight" (610): our poor poor cab driver http://tfl.nu/cgof
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship

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  (608): Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship http://tfl.nu/u2r6
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  It has been happening a lot lately.

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  (330): I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me. (513): It has been happening a lot lately. http://tfl.nu/53io
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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  (912): Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time.... http://tfl.nu/fwcj
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.

  (1-770): View more from Georgia

  You're a good friend.

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  (770): I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that. (1-770): You're a good friend. http://tfl.nu/ln0z
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man

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  (612): buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man http://tfl.nu/4qce
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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  (715): I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night. http://tfl.nu/5yhi
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight

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  (816): the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight http://tfl.nu/st8j
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit

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  (740): I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit http://tfl.nu/8mkh
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.

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  (785): I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/gaew
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real

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  (785): My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real http://tfl.nu/x4mj
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving

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  (620): Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving http://tfl.nu/x9wv
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.

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  (763): FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth. http://tfl.nu/ynrg
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin

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  (702): He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin http://tfl.nu/paaj
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.

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  (202): I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party. http://tfl.nu/j3cs
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  (323): View more from California

  Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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  (323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud. http://tfl.nu/58eq
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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  (862): You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe" http://tfl.nu/u8zn
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.

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  (615): You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother. http://tfl.nu/zr7r
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.

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  (814): Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds. http://tfl.nu/uh0q
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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  (202): Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out. http://tfl.nu/48b9
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.

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  (620): So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive. http://tfl.nu/y5fy
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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  (570): She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/lhd6
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Okay we're getting vodka and coming

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt

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  (513): Okay we're getting vodka and coming (1-513): Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt http://tfl.nu/g69k
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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  (608): Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are. http://tfl.nu/5ybn
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...

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  (587): The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort... http://tfl.nu/arh5
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  (831): View more from California

  Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur

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  (831): Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur http://tfl.nu/smm5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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  (757): you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR. http://tfl.nu/zp8x
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.

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  (724): At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help. http://tfl.nu/kqwe
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.

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  (705): I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/bmha
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.

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  (540): We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment. http://tfl.nu/ze3a
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.

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  (+44): You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/zp27
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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  (318): I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna. http://tfl.nu/hik5
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

  (301): View more from Maryland

  That wasn't a compliment.

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  (202): She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal." (301): That wasn't a compliment. http://tfl.nu/gg7a
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee

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  (717): dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee http://tfl.nu/bnsi
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  No shame in my game.

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  (701): You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills. (320): No shame in my game. http://tfl.nu/4hn7
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.

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  (413): I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night. http://tfl.nu/bi4m
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  (518): View more from New York

  Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

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  (518): Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit. (1-518): Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger. http://tfl.nu/7ysx
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances

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  (775): He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances http://tfl.nu/ldl8
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story

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  (254): Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story http://tfl.nu/vkqr
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Is this an intervention?

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  (770): You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina" (678): Is this an intervention? http://tfl.nu/de9f
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

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  (262): PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES http://tfl.nu/1xjy
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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  (319): That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion" http://tfl.nu/w9if
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.

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  (303): Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place. http://tfl.nu/duki
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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  (513): Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants. http://tfl.nu/xbb5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool

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  (404): That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool http://tfl.nu/ivmu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  possibly by boat

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  (610): he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him (610): possibly by boat http://tfl.nu/q00b
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  (713): View more from Texas

  She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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  (713): She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience. http://tfl.nu/a6s4
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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  (615): you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here http://tfl.nu/rzkr
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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  (352): Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live http://tfl.nu/q9p0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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  (301): The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able. http://tfl.nu/bzys
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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  (610): you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop http://tfl.nu/ld3s
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it

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  (317): He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it http://tfl.nu/wxzi
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

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  (785): I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend. http://tfl.nu/8tu9
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  (315): View more from New York

  I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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  (315): I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores http://tfl.nu/za4f
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy

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  (416): We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy http://tfl.nu/skpx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  If I was 5 years younger and single...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

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  (508): If I was 5 years younger and single... (413): She STILL wouldn't fuck you. http://tfl.nu/p2kv
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.

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  (316): You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger. http://tfl.nu/ic08
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?

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  (520): Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!? http://tfl.nu/m57n
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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  (302): But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you http://tfl.nu/t5np
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

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  (870): She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her? http://tfl.nu/qt09
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

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  (913): She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car? http://tfl.nu/qi3u
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar

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  (651): I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar http://tfl.nu/y23q
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  (917): View more from New York City

  This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?

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  (917): This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case? http://tfl.nu/t5hu
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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  (215): Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro. http://tfl.nu/nta7
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

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  (719): I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in. http://tfl.nu/k5k2
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  (315): View more from New York

  There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

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  (315): There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate. http://tfl.nu/2ksi
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

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  (416): Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground? http://tfl.nu/za9i
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  (510): View more from California

  You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

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  (510): You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us. http://tfl.nu/8vs9
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  (234): View more from Ohio

  Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.

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  (234): Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night. http://tfl.nu/5j4g
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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  (330): GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP. http://tfl.nu/8n34
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  ROADTRIP.

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  (405): Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak. (1-405): ROADTRIP. http://tfl.nu/2zv7
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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  (206): I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again (1-206): RESPECT THE VODQUILA http://tfl.nu/on0c
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

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  (404): Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician. http://tfl.nu/u2ls
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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  (513): I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen. http://tfl.nu/m4h2
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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  (973): I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league http://tfl.nu/mvb2
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.

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  (662): We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings. http://tfl.nu/gskc
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  (530): View more from California

  Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.

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  (530): Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking. http://tfl.nu/uxvx
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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  (602): I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College. http://tfl.nu/47ac
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.

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  (307): Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf. http://tfl.nu/cifg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.

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  (330): Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce. http://tfl.nu/fes5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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  (708): That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device http://tfl.nu/adi5
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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  (772): Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. http://tfl.nu/4fru
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?

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  (815): holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas? http://tfl.nu/9590
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.

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  (541): One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse. http://tfl.nu/w6rf
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  (619): View more from California

  If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.

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  (619): If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home. http://tfl.nu/v77a
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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  (406): I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before! http://tfl.nu/id35
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer

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  (615): The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer http://tfl.nu/n78o
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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  (906): Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die. http://tfl.nu/zxmz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.

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  (405): There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation. http://tfl.nu/8ogi
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna

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  (651): drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna http://tfl.nu/yd45
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  (845): View more from New York

  There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets

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  (845): There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets http://tfl.nu/ibjg
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now

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  (712): I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now http://tfl.nu/qxxb
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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  (719): Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever. http://tfl.nu/fluu
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

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  (503): There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep http://tfl.nu/pt1q
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five

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  (912): He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five http://tfl.nu/n789
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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  (412): Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls (724): Dude, they all thought you were gay. http://tfl.nu/k7ip
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  We are the best.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

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  (250): Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job. (1-250): We are the best. (250): Ps. We need to take the garbage out. http://tfl.nu/i0yw
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night

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  (757): So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night http://tfl.nu/a36m
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.

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  (360): I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this. http://tfl.nu/abfh
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5

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  (605): Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5 http://tfl.nu/9kam
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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  (985): He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed. http://tfl.nu/6hgc
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  (619): View more from California

  how did you know i stayed over last night?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom

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  (619): how did you know i stayed over last night? (702): there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom http://tfl.nu/hfaf
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  (619): View more from California

  I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

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  (619): I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face. http://tfl.nu/43n4
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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  (817): You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres. http://tfl.nu/or4y
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.

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  (252): Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question. http://tfl.nu/ellm
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

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  (336): I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain.. http://tfl.nu/5env
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...

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  (512): I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to... http://tfl.nu/6eke
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.

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  (416): He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead. http://tfl.nu/aau2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

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  (610): There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division" http://tfl.nu/egg0
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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  (864): her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality. http://tfl.nu/j8og
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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  (917): Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am. http://tfl.nu/94x6
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  (845): View more from New York

  lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you

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  (845): lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you http://tfl.nu/altf
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

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  (778): Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here. http://tfl.nu/7as8
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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  (401): He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together.. http://tfl.nu/x2kk
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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  (403): The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume. http://tfl.nu/nbz2
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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  (940): She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick. http://tfl.nu/jiew
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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  (541): Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday http://tfl.nu/3cvq
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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  (570): It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?! http://tfl.nu/21am
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  (518): View more from New York

  Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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  (518): Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins http://tfl.nu/i33q
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???

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  (413): i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown??? http://tfl.nu/ek0c
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

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  (773): Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check. http://tfl.nu/xi8q
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  (408): View more from California

  do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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  (408): do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend?? http://tfl.nu/xsua
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  (850): View more from Florida

  A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.

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  (850): A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween. http://tfl.nu/mp2j
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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  (613): Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest http://tfl.nu/6n7k
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

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  (267): This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers http://tfl.nu/wazn
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.

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  (412): He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night. http://tfl.nu/cf48
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

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  (218): found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging. http://tfl.nu/wawj
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  (650): View more from California

  Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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  (650): Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night http://tfl.nu/338b
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  (315): View more from New York

  I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

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  (315): I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night http://tfl.nu/ggh6
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  (607): View more from New York

  There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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  (607): There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor. http://tfl.nu/j4bf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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  (443): My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch" http://tfl.nu/szrk
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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  (660): People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic http://tfl.nu/zs06
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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  (617): A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO http://tfl.nu/0cgy
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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  (918): Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE. http://tfl.nu/pg7d
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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  (425): I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me. http://tfl.nu/51kh
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

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  (740): There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party. http://tfl.nu/ful4
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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  (631): Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner. http://tfl.nu/12fk
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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  (773): He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date. http://tfl.nu/geei
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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  (405): I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream. http://tfl.nu/lzqh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

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  (703): After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was. http://tfl.nu/omxm
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

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  (918): I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey. http://tfl.nu/6r6d
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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  (720): I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/gexm
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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  (405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

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  (970): He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart. http://tfl.nu/gryu
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!

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  (651): Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday! http://tfl.nu/4hno
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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  (512): We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents. http://tfl.nu/1dqy
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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  (920): My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls? http://tfl.nu/f946
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

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  (419): Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies. http://tfl.nu/geoh
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So did he inherit the massive family cock?

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  :(

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  (317): So did he inherit the massive family cock? (1-317): :( http://tfl.nu/a8a5
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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  (614): It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me http://tfl.nu/sahk
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

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  (907): Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed??? http://tfl.nu/qbm2
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

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  (832): Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man http://tfl.nu/dtih
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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  (720): You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist. http://tfl.nu/dze0
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  (631): View more from New York

  Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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  (631): Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet" http://tfl.nu/2suf
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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  (413): Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker" (1-413): I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family http://tfl.nu/b85j
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  (760): View more from California

  He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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  (760): He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes. http://tfl.nu/l52c
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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  (740): I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up. http://tfl.nu/a16r
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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  (954): Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!" http://tfl.nu/vh6t
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

  (1-504): View more from Louisiana

  omg mom no

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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  (504): How many stacks you been grindin gangsta? (1-504): omg mom no (504): It's so blood brotha crip what be good http://tfl.nu/20m9
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Whiskey??

  (706): View more from Georgia

  It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

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  (574): Whiskey?? (706): It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale... http://tfl.nu/yixa
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

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  (207): Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me. http://tfl.nu/5y8e
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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  (859): Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed" http://tfl.nu/i5mp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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  (616): Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything? http://tfl.nu/t3z5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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  (248): He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall. http://tfl.nu/m004
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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  (414): I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night. http://tfl.nu/mhsz
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  (619): View more from California

  No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

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  (619): No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist http://tfl.nu/96uk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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  (303): I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind http://tfl.nu/1u44
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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  (732): You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home. (732): you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato. (732): IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME. http://tfl.nu/cjpu
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Fuck him.

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  (304): When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred. (606): Fuck him. http://tfl.nu/h9q7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down

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  (775): I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down http://tfl.nu/2bqj
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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  (419): Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus http://tfl.nu/mjlu
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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  (402): You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there http://tfl.nu/v9qy
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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  (724): GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~ http://tfl.nu/ka83
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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  (816): We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it. http://tfl.nu/u2s4
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

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  (313): What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask http://tfl.nu/sq4u
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