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Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm just crazy horny about you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He better not be in your backpack
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
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