Texts From Last Night

cupcakenerd's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
  Replies (17) Good night (4042) Bad night (160)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
  Replies (65) Good night (18921) Bad night (718)
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell. http://tfl.nu/9drc
  Replies (19) Good night (1330) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with. http://tfl.nu/q53z
  Replies (29) Good night (1141) Bad night (1600)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag http://tfl.nu/8y86
  Replies (15) Good night (1415) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am http://tfl.nu/jult
  Replies (1) Good night (1077) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4161) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.." http://tfl.nu/m3fa
  Replies (6) Good night (2398) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
  Replies (15) Good night (1519) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (5580) Bad night (293)
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg
  Replies (9) Good night (1755) Bad night (6022)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present? http://tfl.nu/y1uu
  Replies (21) Good night (1443) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger. http://tfl.nu/dtz4
  Replies (5) Good night (1605) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): It's fine...I've done worse things to better people. http://tfl.nu/e0kr
  Replies (3) Good night (1305) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car http://tfl.nu/5sre
  Replies (2) Good night (966) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up http://tfl.nu/word
  Replies (4) Good night (1426) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america http://tfl.nu/igww
  Replies (8) Good night (1406) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

  (626): View more from California

  That's two questions.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away? (626): That's two questions. http://tfl.nu/0koe
  Replies (4) Good night (1392) Bad night (549)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aren't they always?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit" (1-610): Aren't they always? http://tfl.nu/6oqg
  Replies (1) Good night (1260) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (316): View more from Kansas

  I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (316): I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device. http://tfl.nu/lmjt
  Replies (4) Good night (1242) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): Nobody in the ambulance liked me... http://tfl.nu/5rji
  Replies (11) Good night (480) Bad night (1345) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

  (+04): View more from

  Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED (+04): Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you. http://tfl.nu/xp3j
  Replies (8) Good night (2026) Bad night (363)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings. http://tfl.nu/fkoc
  Replies (5) Good night (1979) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil. http://tfl.nu/r5gy
  Replies (1) Good night (1578) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night? http://tfl.nu/328v
  Replies (9) Good night (2199) Bad night (338)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
  Replies (13) Good night (4815) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!" http://tfl.nu/e9j9
  Replies (5) Good night (2104) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): You almost set me on fire last night. (1-732): You probably deserved it. http://tfl.nu/ggaf
  Replies (9) Good night (2825) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (931): Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this. http://tfl.nu/inch
  Replies (8) Good night (3730) Bad night (393)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
  Replies (7) Good night (2157) Bad night (306)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove. http://tfl.nu/z4wf
  Replies (10) Good night (1229) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print. http://tfl.nu/m0e5
  Replies (6) Good night (1262) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme
  Replies (12) Good night (3273) Bad night (366)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety http://tfl.nu/7rit
  Replies (9) Good night (2302) Bad night (276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for? (1-630): Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun. http://tfl.nu/9dkv
  Replies (17) Good night (3739) Bad night (486)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (95) Good night (38009) Bad night (1184)
• Favorite

  (331): View more from Illinois

  My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (331): My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good. http://tfl.nu/opzi
  Replies (17) Good night (4753) Bad night (358)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
  Replies (36) Good night (5643) Bad night (866)
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea". http://tfl.nu/c66k
  Replies (5) Good night (1985) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/fpgv
  Replies (16) Good night (3167) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be http://tfl.nu/0ihg
  Replies (59) Good night (7829) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them. http://tfl.nu/pe21
  Replies (8) Good night (1621) Bad night (312)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841
  Replies (5) Good night (5077) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  walking out with herpes. that would be worse

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information (1-701): walking out with herpes. that would be worse http://tfl.nu/edgz
  Replies (11) Good night (2231) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say http://tfl.nu/znzu
  Replies (32) Good night (1634) Bad night (4918) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
  Replies (7) Good night (2285) Bad night (399)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices. http://tfl.nu/qbzj
  Replies (5) Good night (1027) Bad night (251) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I want to take my head off and cuddle with it

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I want to take my head off and cuddle with it (832): Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole http://tfl.nu/jldl
  Replies (7) Good night (833) Bad night (365)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level http://tfl.nu/3djd
  Replies (11) Good night (3391) Bad night (415)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this http://tfl.nu/tv14
  Replies (8) Good night (2150) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
  Replies (7) Good night (2173) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (3872) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

  (1-510): View more from California

  It was probably Jesus.

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like he would have left a message.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number. (1-510): It was probably Jesus. (510): I feel like he would have left a message. http://tfl.nu/w24x
  Replies (36) Good night (4000) Bad night (358)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  my computer doesn't work...

  (619): View more from California

  why?

  (419): View more from Ohio

  i puked on it last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): my computer doesn't work... (619): why? (419): i puked on it last night http://tfl.nu/kifb
  Replies (4) Good night (578) Bad night (2162)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?" (774): It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?" http://tfl.nu/cbil
  Replies (8) Good night (2249) Bad night (357)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm drinking too much free beer

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I'm drinking too much free beer (508): Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible. http://tfl.nu/a7hm
  Replies (13) Good night (2017) Bad night (830)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape. http://tfl.nu/zpzm
  Replies (6) Good night (2426) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

  (1-707): View more from California

  You did like 8

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots (1-707): You did like 8 http://tfl.nu/2yf9
  Replies (6) Good night (2405) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka
  Replies (13) Good night (1671) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I heard you threw up in your lap?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  I heard that too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I heard you threw up in your lap? (1-541): I heard that too. http://tfl.nu/s86w
  Replies (9) Good night (1345) Bad night (3406) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
  Replies (33) Good night (9334) Bad night (476)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I hate all girls vehemently.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I hate all girls vehemently. http://tfl.nu/rhf8
  Replies (2) Good night (465) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
  Replies (15) Good night (7175) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me. http://tfl.nu/xee4
  Replies (8) Good night (2051) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable. http://tfl.nu/xbzh
  Replies (7) Good night (565) Bad night (1282) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): 20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me. http://tfl.nu/kxs1
  Replies (4) Good night (1312) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future http://tfl.nu/1p5t
  Replies (9) Good night (2191) Bad night (252) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
  Replies (16) Good night (8815) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I think I sprained my soul last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I think I sprained my soul last night http://tfl.nu/779v
  Replies (11) Good night (1994) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits http://tfl.nu/6x3w
  Replies (17) Good night (1230) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism http://tfl.nu/kj7t
  Replies (28) Good night (4147) Bad night (347)
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet http://tfl.nu/r3gc
  Replies (29) Good night (9387) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

  (1-909): View more from California

  3?

  (909): View more from California

  Me, myself and I

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking. (1-909): 3? (909): Me, myself and I http://tfl.nu/gl4k
  Replies (3) Good night (1113) Bad night (240)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  What a dumb baby whore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): What a dumb baby whore. http://tfl.nu/17ck
  Replies (4) Good night (1042) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"? http://tfl.nu/9rca
  Replies (29) Good night (9255) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders. http://tfl.nu/hyyp
  Replies (8) Good night (1549) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
  Replies (10) Good night (2983) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver. http://tfl.nu/n7jh
  Replies (23) Good night (5207) Bad night (1537)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face. http://tfl.nu/vgja
  Replies (12) Good night (2974) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  margs and chips and queso make the world go round

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  well and inertia

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): margs and chips and queso make the world go round (1-757): well and inertia http://tfl.nu/cjuy
  Replies (7) Good night (1147) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool http://tfl.nu/jdq1
  Replies (5) Good night (332) Bad night (2443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): I wish facebook had a fuck off button. http://tfl.nu/0iiv
  Replies (34) Good night (10046) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  death...100% death...what r u planning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip? (313): death...100% death...what r u planning. http://tfl.nu/azwl
  Replies (9) Good night (990) Bad night (1384)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework http://tfl.nu/3cov
  Replies (12) Good night (4729) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7384) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now. http://tfl.nu/oxop
  Replies (12) Good night (2344) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper http://tfl.nu/iwmr
  Replies (12) Good night (3629) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door. http://tfl.nu/9co9
  Replies (8) Good night (3030) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
  Replies (16) Good night (4840) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing? http://tfl.nu/q7mi
  Replies (6) Good night (1671) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize. http://tfl.nu/bs3u
  Replies (6) Good night (3348) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer http://tfl.nu/0w8r
  Replies (6) Good night (1514) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college. http://tfl.nu/m4jf
  Replies (52) Good night (4136) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested. http://tfl.nu/ut9v
  Replies (1) Good night (1406) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now. http://tfl.nu/zvll
  Replies (7) Good night (537) Bad night (1668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
  Replies (22) Good night (4843) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children. http://tfl.nu/5wvk
  Replies (16) Good night (2954) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
  Replies (3) Good night (1672) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
  Replies (11) Good night (3694) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined. http://tfl.nu/ei07
  Replies (4) Good night (1000) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5511) Bad night (370)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
  Replies (7) Good night (3361) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/9kp9
  Replies (4) Good night (2355) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen
  Replies (12) Good night (6713) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions" http://tfl.nu/b7d2
  Replies (7) Good night (2131) Bad night (380)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar". http://tfl.nu/r1q0
  Replies (6) Good night (1941) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
  Replies (44) Good night (16358) Bad night (874)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk http://tfl.nu/2uta
  Replies (9) Good night (1906) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door. http://tfl.nu/79gl
  Replies (17) Good night (2364) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me. http://tfl.nu/wgh1
  Replies (11) Good night (1782) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub.. http://tfl.nu/f53v
  Replies (4) Good night (1018) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (254): View more from Texas

  Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be

  (254): View more from Texas

  Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (254): Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be (254): Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54 http://tfl.nu/ylh4
  Replies (5) Good night (1495) Bad night (351)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless http://tfl.nu/2wfy
  Replies (8) Good night (2475) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol. http://tfl.nu/nnbo
  Replies (7) Good night (862) Bad night (1944) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning. http://tfl.nu/v1az
  Replies (9) Good night (3285) Bad night (1170) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. http://tfl.nu/5edg
  Replies (7) Good night (3466) Bad night (1334) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/nb18
  Replies (8) Good night (3243) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock." http://tfl.nu/14j8
  Replies (2) Good night (866) Bad night (2158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  GO. BACK. NOW.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash (1-513): GO. BACK. NOW. http://tfl.nu/zc24
  Replies (42) Good night (6194) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain? http://tfl.nu/0jn9
  Replies (9) Good night (4013) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror. http://tfl.nu/is4s
  Replies (24) Good night (7956) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better http://tfl.nu/a0xl
  Replies (15) Good night (3224) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (709): ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing http://tfl.nu/8uai
  Replies (6) Good night (2476) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code. http://tfl.nu/ho8g
  Replies (14) Good night (4071) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented". http://tfl.nu/soll
  Replies (10) Good night (1786) Bad night (3140) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight. http://tfl.nu/a50k
  Replies (7) Good night (2596) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (254): View more from Texas

  Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (254): Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social. http://tfl.nu/292p
  Replies (5) Good night (1760) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life. http://tfl.nu/k782
  Replies (34) Good night (5190) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong http://tfl.nu/rbr5
  Replies (5) Good night (2714) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it. http://tfl.nu/veic
  Replies (26) Good night (755) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok. http://tfl.nu/1awh
  Replies (10) Good night (2163) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly http://tfl.nu/pft1
  Replies (9) Good night (2746) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns". http://tfl.nu/398g
  Replies (12) Good night (2224) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that. http://tfl.nu/0566
  Replies (10) Good night (1376) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
  Replies (9) Good night (3592) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
  Replies (14) Good night (5422) Bad night (404)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka. http://tfl.nu/40xv
  Replies (4) Good night (2149) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in?? http://tfl.nu/j32d
  Replies (4) Good night (1374) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt
  Replies (7) Good night (2827) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (325): View more from Texas

  This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be

  (325): View more from Texas

  Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (325): This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be (325): Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets http://tfl.nu/9qmi
  Replies (3) Good night (537) Bad night (896)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical. http://tfl.nu/ictl
  Replies (19) Good night (4350) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
  Replies (27) Good night (6791) Bad night (672)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This explains a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0
  Replies (24) Good night (8170) Bad night (735)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

  (1-510): View more from California

  Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard (1-510): Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening. http://tfl.nu/lvw9
  Replies (5) Good night (2104) Bad night (472)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES http://tfl.nu/9dpy
  Replies (23) Good night (4734) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
  Replies (72) Good night (15122) Bad night (748)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside. http://tfl.nu/x4yl
  Replies (5) Good night (1352) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night http://tfl.nu/e3vx
  Replies (3) Good night (398) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays. http://tfl.nu/wrv2
  Replies (12) Good night (7232) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault" http://tfl.nu/a193
  Replies (16) Good night (1211) Bad night (6064) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad http://tfl.nu/uv9f
  Replies (21) Good night (1068) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse. (1-757): I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic? http://tfl.nu/c2pk
  Replies (9) Good night (2737) Bad night (438)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup. http://tfl.nu/y9af
  Replies (15) Good night (5192) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents. http://tfl.nu/eaix
  Replies (6) Good night (2719) Bad night (561)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck. http://tfl.nu/e2r4
  Replies (11) Good night (574) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card. http://tfl.nu/d7h9
  Replies (6) Good night (2391) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class (1-203): why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday. http://tfl.nu/0z2t
  Replies (3) Good night (3249) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day http://tfl.nu/to93
  Replies (6) Good night (1628) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be. http://tfl.nu/9s9m
  Replies (1) Good night (1398) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Where was your thought process?

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  Drowning in my hangover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Where was your thought process? (1-778): Drowning in my hangover. http://tfl.nu/hpz6
  Replies (1) Good night (1166) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors. http://tfl.nu/4w9v
  Replies (20) Good night (3322) Bad night (1609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I'm trying to make a sex playlist

  (916): View more from California

  record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist (916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. http://tfl.nu/f4y5
  Replies (11) Good night (2884) Bad night (916)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself. http://tfl.nu/jcct
  Replies (5) Good night (1013) Bad night (690)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER. http://tfl.nu/f1x9
  Replies (8) Good night (2431) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/qdcc
  Replies (20) Good night (1897) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
  Replies (10) Good night (4507) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie http://tfl.nu/m38d
  Replies (7) Good night (946) Bad night (2020) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine. http://tfl.nu/qnyh
  Replies (27) Good night (1431) Bad night (3948)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent http://tfl.nu/1tsa
  Replies (12) Good night (1712) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen" http://tfl.nu/038r
  Replies (8) Good night (2425) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
  Replies (15) Good night (2193) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet. http://tfl.nu/d9ji
  Replies (18) Good night (5790) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy. http://tfl.nu/1k8y
  Replies (7) Good night (4843) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Details.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): it cannot be done, he is unbreakable. (1-248): What? (248): <name>..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him. (1-248): Details. http://tfl.nu/v8u3
  Replies (6) Good night (1582) Bad night (426)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once. http://tfl.nu/y3bm
  Replies (11) Good night (3164) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
  Replies (10) Good night (4588) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice" http://tfl.nu/9e22
  Replies (10) Good night (2393) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches. http://tfl.nu/n5i2
  Replies (17) Good night (4376) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you. http://tfl.nu/n7q4
  Replies (3) Good night (1589) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it? http://tfl.nu/wfmi
  Replies (11) Good night (3279) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that" http://tfl.nu/nqkj
  Replies (14) Good night (656) Bad night (4589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting. http://tfl.nu/6icw
  Replies (15) Good night (5509) Bad night (688)
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom." http://tfl.nu/h2e6
  Replies (15) Good night (3979) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Having kids is risky. They might end up weird. http://tfl.nu/gtfl
  Replies (16) Good night (897) Bad night (1754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  None

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards (1-515): None http://tfl.nu/5j7f
  Replies (17) Good night (3048) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
  Replies (14) Good night (5331) Bad night (733)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism http://tfl.nu/00o3
  Replies (4) Good night (2562) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate. http://tfl.nu/qrjm
  Replies (13) Good night (3908) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  Seriously?

  (305): View more from Florida

  100%

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu
  Replies (15) Good night (6400) Bad night (778)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent" http://tfl.nu/6trp
  Replies (6) Good night (989) Bad night (2350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver. http://tfl.nu/plce
  Replies (8) Good night (1875) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving. http://tfl.nu/rym8
  Replies (6) Good night (2851) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive" http://tfl.nu/8zeu
  Replies (19) Good night (1630) Bad night (3871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it. http://tfl.nu/4ii1
  Replies (2) Good night (2556) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out... http://tfl.nu/jne9
  Replies (4) Good night (2352) Bad night (632)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony. http://tfl.nu/6vet
  Replies (18) Good night (724) Bad night (2472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc
  Replies (19) Good night (5687) Bad night (1435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Don't worry. I has chaperone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Don't worry. I has chaperone. http://tfl.nu/r0c5
  Replies (24) Good night (5690) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way. http://tfl.nu/qq0o
  Replies (7) Good night (977) Bad night (4373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it. http://tfl.nu/ou1a
  Replies (3) Good night (2170) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would be honored to be that friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people (617): I would be honored to be that friend. http://tfl.nu/ohrl
  Replies (22) Good night (5638) Bad night (427)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'

  (586): View more from Michigan

  And I thought

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Fuck I do that shit every weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself' (586): And I thought (586): Fuck I do that shit every weekend http://tfl.nu/q5n0
  Replies (1) Good night (680) Bad night (355)
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell. http://tfl.nu/z3u3
  Replies (21) Good night (5881) Bad night (516)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
  Replies (11) Good night (5358) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window http://tfl.nu/m081
  Replies (12) Good night (691) Bad night (2581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk. http://tfl.nu/brrf
  Replies (12) Good night (3855) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  is drinking for groundhog day legit?

  (1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

  well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): is drinking for groundhog day legit? (1-484): well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes http://tfl.nu/k04d
  Replies (24) Good night (5901) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends http://tfl.nu/q0nl
  Replies (5) Good night (2258) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
  Replies (28) Good night (20155) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): There is a stranger person in my roommates bed... http://tfl.nu/1fs2
  Replies (5) Good night (656) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): do you think they make care bear costumes for cats? http://tfl.nu/vj5d
  Replies (10) Good night (2257) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane http://tfl.nu/vhwv
  Replies (6) Good night (1103) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I need hand sanitizer and jesus. http://tfl.nu/r3xx
  Replies (15) Good night (1624) Bad night (2290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious http://tfl.nu/rvtf
  Replies (35) Good night (4484) Bad night (2184)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me http://tfl.nu/7pn8
  Replies (8) Good night (2530) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv. http://tfl.nu/kqij
  Replies (6) Good night (2619) Bad night (1058) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either http://tfl.nu/fc5z
  Replies (5) Good night (2547) Bad night (560)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture? http://tfl.nu/g8fq
  Replies (4) Good night (585) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
  Replies (17) Good night (7073) Bad night (767)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This is god's gift to the unemployed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING. (336): This is god's gift to the unemployed. http://tfl.nu/uhcy
  Replies (47) Good night (4090) Bad night (668)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
  Replies (20) Good night (8355) Bad night (1204) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen. http://tfl.nu/75lv
  Replies (32) Good night (1159) Bad night (2667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
  Replies (13) Good night (7661) Bad night (565)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom. (484): I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you. http://tfl.nu/hypz
  Replies (7) Good night (4200) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts http://tfl.nu/hxut
  Replies (4) Good night (3436) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it. http://tfl.nu/82ee
  Replies (8) Good night (2292) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Blow your rape whistle

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar (1-336): Blow your rape whistle http://tfl.nu/5qj3
  Replies (21) Good night (2631) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (90) Good night (23627) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly
  Replies (411) Good night (25207) Bad night (3165) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (30911) Bad night (1343)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48600) Bad night (1809)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82763) Bad night (7557)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring http://tfl.nu/n1of
  Replies (2) Good night (1806) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. http://tfl.nu/kla9
  Replies (3) Good night (1428) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
  Replies (31) Good night (7275) Bad night (581)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (18) Good night (4481) Bad night (810) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious" http://tfl.nu/f3vn
  Replies (4) Good night (2550) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying http://tfl.nu/j2oh
  Replies (8) Good night (2536) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
  Replies (45) Good night (14040) Bad night (1409)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  That text needs to switch to water.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink (952): That text needs to switch to water. http://tfl.nu/83yo
  Replies (4) Good night (1930) Bad night (270)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
  Replies (2) Good night (3389) Bad night (808)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like http://tfl.nu/v7ql
  Replies (37) Good night (1847) Bad night (2990) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion. http://tfl.nu/50jg
  Replies (86) Good night (3034) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Salt in an open wound right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1
  Replies (16) Good night (1267) Bad night (4767)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia http://tfl.nu/7fa5
  Replies (17) Good night (1788) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now. http://tfl.nu/22x1
  Replies (21) Good night (5495) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
  Replies (16) Good night (4273) Bad night (2353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
  Replies (31) Good night (7475) Bad night (1139) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
  Replies (30) Good night (3756) Bad night (818)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
  Replies (5) Good night (4250) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing. http://tfl.nu/3pw8
  Replies (18) Good night (5550) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man. http://tfl.nu/hm6h
  Replies (4) Good night (3085) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy? http://tfl.nu/azer
  Replies (4) Good night (809) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/rwph
  Replies (19) Good night (1296) Bad night (4677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond. http://tfl.nu/174e
  Replies (3) Good night (1490) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old. http://tfl.nu/87vs
  Replies (11) Good night (1772) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving? http://tfl.nu/o7j4
  Replies (10) Good night (3960) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity http://tfl.nu/9e9v
  Replies (9) Good night (2007) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking. http://tfl.nu/gpcu
  Replies (3) Good night (2122) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast http://tfl.nu/icj5
  Replies (6) Good night (2107) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  True on all accounts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me. (1-702): True on all accounts. http://tfl.nu/tt9s
  Replies (13) Good night (3102) Bad night (601)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation" http://tfl.nu/vmn5
  Replies (10) Good night (3191) Bad night (706)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/6hsi
  Replies (3) Good night (1206) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please. http://tfl.nu/vb3l
  Replies (9) Good night (4056) Bad night (621)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
  Replies (20) Good night (7353) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals http://tfl.nu/cfxk
  Replies (12) Good night (951) Bad night (285) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night? http://tfl.nu/u6ad
  Replies (6) Good night (4936) Bad night (1031)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation. http://tfl.nu/z4sr
  Replies (15) Good night (6954) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

  (1-229): View more from Georgia

  You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair. (1-229): You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture? http://tfl.nu/5k8s
  Replies (55) Good night (871) Bad night (3836)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person? http://tfl.nu/yet0
  Replies (8) Good night (3653) Bad night (1056) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there. http://tfl.nu/44mo
  Replies (12) Good night (6494) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends. http://tfl.nu/o9if
  Replies (35) Good night (5113) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
  Replies (27) Good night (8401) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday http://tfl.nu/xsly
  Replies (11) Good night (3564) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
  Replies (19) Good night (8977) Bad night (1000)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
  Replies (3) Good night (2967) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke. http://tfl.nu/5x23
  Replies (7) Good night (704) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
  Replies (19) Good night (9807) Bad night (1384) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !! (832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless. http://tfl.nu/apa0
  Replies (20) Good night (3545) Bad night (359)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday... (1-702): ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha http://tfl.nu/3d74
  Replies (19) Good night (2375) Bad night (290)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Guys should not giggle. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa
  Replies (22) Good night (2727) Bad night (410)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser http://tfl.nu/1hpm
  Replies (16) Good night (4205) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (78) Good night (29257) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  im getting coffee to go get coffee.

  (435): View more from Utah

  Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): im getting coffee to go get coffee. (435): Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level. http://tfl.nu/l6zn
  Replies (2) Good night (3039) Bad night (602)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism. http://tfl.nu/ixxa
  Replies (15) Good night (2104) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
  Replies (10) Good night (2615) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick http://tfl.nu/qnn8
  Replies (21) Good night (1106) Bad night (1717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

  (713): View more from Texas

  When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands (713): When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things http://tfl.nu/2j2p
  Replies (28) Good night (5094) Bad night (602)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada. http://tfl.nu/cunl
  Replies (200) Good night (7625) Bad night (2277)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me. http://tfl.nu/r1h1
  Replies (2) Good night (2402) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots" (832): On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep. http://tfl.nu/g6me
  Replies (16) Good night (2769) Bad night (381)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all http://tfl.nu/e59p
  Replies (26) Good night (4672) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (733): View more from

  i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (733): i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now http://tfl.nu/kg3x
  Replies (3) Good night (2165) Bad night (985) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat http://tfl.nu/yw7h
  Replies (14) Good night (917) Bad night (4612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date... http://tfl.nu/r091
  Replies (10) Good night (964) Bad night (3475)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv
  Replies (11) Good night (4547) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better http://tfl.nu/6zww
  Replies (9) Good night (3888) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  what's Bukake?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  a bad idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): what's Bukake? (1-513): a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/i91o
  Replies (31) Good night (1056) Bad night (2733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are. http://tfl.nu/ir1i
  Replies (15) Good night (3520) Bad night (1014) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
  Replies (38) Good night (11040) Bad night (839)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me. http://tfl.nu/y2d7
  Replies (5) Good night (1079) Bad night (1857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...there is blood under my fingernails.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...I hope my roomates are okay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): ...there is blood under my fingernails. (515): ...I hope my roomates are okay. http://tfl.nu/jgvb
  Replies (6) Good night (727) Bad night (3073)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country... http://tfl.nu/c11y
  Replies (47) Good night (13189) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
  Replies (34) Good night (1840) Bad night (2247)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ? (770): I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no. http://tfl.nu/wmyv
  Replies (14) Good night (1502) Bad night (463)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday. http://tfl.nu/ln4p
  Replies (3) Good night (1620) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics http://tfl.nu/1cmu
  Replies (13) Good night (4531) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

  (937): View more from Ohio

  He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon. (937): He had some in his pocket. That was weird. http://tfl.nu/q8lw
  Replies (27) Good night (719) Bad night (4824)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you. http://tfl.nu/2hjp
  Replies (4) Good night (2387) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
  Replies (46) Good night (12568) Bad night (888)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  are you still at the devil's house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): are you still at the devil's house? http://tfl.nu/bw8z
  Replies (4) Good night (960) Bad night (1594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (76) Good night (41808) Bad night (1329) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people http://tfl.nu/thju
  Replies (12) Good night (3892) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  what ever happened to devon sawa?

  (415): View more from California

  fuck...who knows?

  (951): View more from California

  i'm really worried about him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): what ever happened to devon sawa? (415): fuck...who knows? (951): i'm really worried about him. http://tfl.nu/sfvp
  Replies (56) Good night (959) Bad night (1456)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i already hear my dad disowning me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): i already hear my dad disowning me http://tfl.nu/x26e
  Replies (2) Good night (1984) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  never. drinking. again.

  (1-705): View more from Ontario

  lets not get ahead of ourselves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): never. drinking. again. (1-705): lets not get ahead of ourselves. http://tfl.nu/le2c
  Replies (36) Good night (4882) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me. (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements. http://tfl.nu/k3x0
  Replies (32) Good night (4164) Bad night (360)
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us http://tfl.nu/tf5l
  Replies (4) Good night (3172) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y
  Replies (66) Good night (19505) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.

  (925): View more from California

  "half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up. (925): "half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking. http://tfl.nu/v25q
  Replies (3) Good night (2563) Bad night (633)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

  (708): View more from Illinois

  such a stalker...

  (248): View more from Michigan

  she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I prefer the term 'tenderly watching' (708): such a stalker... (248): she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet. http://tfl.nu/m7cj
  Replies (2) Good night (963) Bad night (576)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

  (269): View more from Michigan

  ...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion! (269): ...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone... http://tfl.nu/zhx6
  Replies (9) Good night (513) Bad night (1974)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing? http://tfl.nu/vn0z
  Replies (1) Good night (1422) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Call meee

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Call meee (781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now... http://tfl.nu/j06g
  Replies (3) Good night (1324) Bad night (257)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (7764) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  no.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk
  Replies (21) Good night (6054) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to." http://tfl.nu/qnhd
  Replies (16) Good night (1561) Bad night (5249) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again http://tfl.nu/gicy
  Replies (6) Good night (3076) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think http://tfl.nu/e8us
  Replies (9) Good night (842) Bad night (4962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Did you just see the Batmobile???

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Did you just see the Batmobile??? http://tfl.nu/vqtz
  Replies (24) Good night (5398) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
  Replies (5) Good night (5753) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  god i miss watching you do this...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim.. (507): god i miss watching you do this... http://tfl.nu/jwsv
  Replies (16) Good night (4667) Bad night (458)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets http://tfl.nu/eeot
  Replies (9) Good night (908) Bad night (3701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
  Replies (27) Good night (10926) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab. http://tfl.nu/xv4n
  Replies (19) Good night (4754) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass. http://tfl.nu/jig4
  Replies (18) Good night (5046) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I guess I misjudged your gender.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity. (978): I guess I misjudged your gender. http://tfl.nu/83hj
  Replies (4) Good night (373) Bad night (1179)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6
  Replies (34) Good night (8958) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said http://tfl.nu/bvpk
  Replies (41) Good night (6334) Bad night (534)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed. http://tfl.nu/2764
  Replies (47) Good night (6042) Bad night (1812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cherish every text you send me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland (412): I cherish every text you send me http://tfl.nu/05mc
  Replies (49) Good night (5792) Bad night (466)
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
  Replies (17) Good night (4899) Bad night (604)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle. http://tfl.nu/x2qg
  Replies (11) Good night (1326) Bad night (1807) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation http://tfl.nu/ct0r
  Replies (16) Good night (2268) Bad night (985) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs" http://tfl.nu/7byd
  Replies (5) Good night (886) Bad night (4042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation. http://tfl.nu/5n6h
  Replies (3) Good night (2258) Bad night (1380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends. http://tfl.nu/xm5k
  Replies (58) Good night (5308) Bad night (1722) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
  Replies (6) Good night (2813) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
  Replies (39) Good night (11790) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
  Replies (57) Good night (4267) Bad night (947)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom http://tfl.nu/tvji
  Replies (25) Good night (1148) Bad night (4007) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories. http://tfl.nu/emk4
  Replies (11) Good night (5372) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18
  Replies (15) Good night (3719) Bad night (4564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14007) Bad night (1015) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka http://tfl.nu/47bx
  Replies (4) Good night (4361) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you don't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way (1-717): you don't. http://tfl.nu/p0es
  Replies (15) Good night (5556) Bad night (1115) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents. http://tfl.nu/ynsx
  Replies (13) Good night (674) Bad night (4925) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice http://tfl.nu/x5d6
  Replies (4) Good night (1535) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
  Replies (25) Good night (6764) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  somebody snuck up and got me drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): somebody snuck up and got me drunk http://tfl.nu/xe32
  Replies (4) Good night (1297) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
  Replies (20) Good night (8408) Bad night (978)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy. http://tfl.nu/q0bl
  Replies (8) Good night (2738) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail http://tfl.nu/dt1f
  Replies (5) Good night (3015) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie. (443): im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile http://tfl.nu/7kar
  Replies (31) Good night (1988) Bad night (5063)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. http://tfl.nu/4dkg
  Replies (33) Good night (3249) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on http://tfl.nu/6fw7
  Replies (4) Good night (2303) Bad night (1112) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true." http://tfl.nu/yccu
  Replies (17) Good night (5521) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl
  Replies (9) Good night (2942) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend. http://tfl.nu/4vq3
  Replies (6) Good night (669) Bad night (1492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Does it taste like semen?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv
  Replies (10) Good night (3831) Bad night (960)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion. http://tfl.nu/easp
  Replies (10) Good night (4588) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia" http://tfl.nu/o7ku
  Replies (6) Good night (1909) Bad night (1452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+64): If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/njzt
  Replies (18) Good night (4738) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
  Replies (12) Good night (3203) Bad night (554)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family. http://tfl.nu/crmt
  Replies (17) Good night (4751) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (289): I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone. http://tfl.nu/rtzl
  Replies (13) Good night (2083) Bad night (3656) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/4je5
  Replies (9) Good night (4787) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket. http://tfl.nu/p1i6
  Replies (29) Good night (6093) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass. http://tfl.nu/wbhi
  Replies (18) Good night (3214) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko. http://tfl.nu/dtru
  Replies (9) Good night (2197) Bad night (725)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants http://tfl.nu/owqu
  Replies (15) Good night (7263) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again http://tfl.nu/3izm
  Replies (7) Good night (2428) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday? http://tfl.nu/4464
  Replies (5) Good night (2180) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days http://tfl.nu/5mt6
  Replies (10) Good night (4508) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn http://tfl.nu/666p
  Replies (20) Good night (6347) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants. http://tfl.nu/wgp8
  Replies (17) Good night (1410) Bad night (3520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself. http://tfl.nu/3rwg
  Replies (6) Good night (5400) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Little spoons don't ask big questions

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Little spoons don't ask big questions http://tfl.nu/13tl
  Replies (18) Good night (4044) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life??? http://tfl.nu/fjyx
  Replies (14) Good night (5740) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet. http://tfl.nu/hq1s
  Replies (19) Good night (6029) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me http://tfl.nu/i2q6
  Replies (41) Good night (2871) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
  Replies (22) Good night (6305) Bad night (847)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes. http://tfl.nu/hbc7
  Replies (8) Good night (2834) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals". http://tfl.nu/oep3
  Replies (16) Good night (3514) Bad night (1036)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!' http://tfl.nu/twcd
  Replies (28) Good night (7121) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk. http://tfl.nu/u9t6
  Replies (7) Good night (4027) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate http://tfl.nu/k1eh
  Replies (3) Good night (2196) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this http://tfl.nu/7qd9
  Replies (11) Good night (1132) Bad night (3720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
  Replies (10) Good night (4317) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school http://tfl.nu/0e3h
  Replies (10) Good night (4127) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job http://tfl.nu/pld4
  Replies (19) Good night (953) Bad night (3979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave" http://tfl.nu/shdd
  Replies (34) Good night (5149) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations http://tfl.nu/lsw6
  Replies (6) Good night (5303) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!! (717): Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly. http://tfl.nu/0dyl
  Replies (22) Good night (1106) Bad night (2916)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
  Replies (14) Good night (4975) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up. http://tfl.nu/l5tu
  Replies (10) Good night (5163) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  what was she crying about?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. (1-734): what was she crying about? (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job. http://tfl.nu/fomm
  Replies (47) Good night (13661) Bad night (1417)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this." http://tfl.nu/x2qj
  Replies (4) Good night (2345) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I just did the classiest thing ever.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  last time you said that you got chlamydia.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I just did the classiest thing ever. (216): last time you said that you got chlamydia. http://tfl.nu/33ag
  Replies (19) Good night (1211) Bad night (6147)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
  Replies (16) Good night (8153) Bad night (741)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here". http://tfl.nu/11k9
  Replies (5) Good night (2166) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
  Replies (14) Good night (6545) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people. http://tfl.nu/5ebd
  Replies (9) Good night (3258) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  How's work?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Spinning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): How's work? (978): Spinning. http://tfl.nu/6xgd
  Replies (9) Good night (4545) Bad night (730)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
  Replies (16) Good night (5823) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week. http://tfl.nu/9ao4
  Replies (33) Good night (5696) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look. http://tfl.nu/2p75
  Replies (13) Good night (509) Bad night (3120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking. http://tfl.nu/b01w
  Replies (37) Good night (968) Bad night (4778) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events. http://tfl.nu/5em3
  Replies (16) Good night (1772) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
  Replies (11) Good night (4411) Bad night (730)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear. http://tfl.nu/pswl
  Replies (8) Good night (593) Bad night (2729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day. http://tfl.nu/k05y
  Replies (11) Good night (2459) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i
  Replies (18) Good night (4261) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

  (1-320): View more from Minnesota

  that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her (1-320): that's how i am about ashleys and britneys http://tfl.nu/ea81
  Replies (60) Good night (929) Bad night (1550) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so. http://tfl.nu/3zja
  Replies (58) Good night (3551) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.

  (818): View more from California

  haha i love mojitos

  (760): View more from California

  ya and i hate cabbage

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage. (818): haha i love mojitos (760): ya and i hate cabbage http://tfl.nu/vdoy
  Replies (1) Good night (373) Bad night (1822)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen. http://tfl.nu/ldf9
  Replies (20) Good night (929) Bad night (7076) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me. http://tfl.nu/s06p
  Replies (16) Good night (3288) Bad night (1650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost". http://tfl.nu/8ltm
  Replies (38) Good night (7794) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave? http://tfl.nu/y6y0
  Replies (17) Good night (4429) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk. http://tfl.nu/yadf
  Replies (16) Good night (6901) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I have no recollection of sleep choking you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I have no recollection of sleep choking you http://tfl.nu/6fhf
  Replies (8) Good night (1244) Bad night (1933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
  Replies (17) Good night (8663) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me http://tfl.nu/yht9
  Replies (7) Good night (3176) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
  Replies (6) Good night (5057) Bad night (683)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it. http://tfl.nu/dyf5
  Replies (8) Good night (2644) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house http://tfl.nu/3ff4
  Replies (40) Good night (7405) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment. http://tfl.nu/tvxk
  Replies (1) Good night (882) Bad night (2138) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in. http://tfl.nu/o2x8
  Replies (8) Good night (1026) Bad night (2085) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now? http://tfl.nu/l9c5
  Replies (6) Good night (2588) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again" http://tfl.nu/7as1
  Replies (4) Good night (3637) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself http://tfl.nu/ot4u
  Replies (30) Good night (4946) Bad night (971)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk http://tfl.nu/jf67
  Replies (29) Good night (3777) Bad night (1100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

  (312): View more from Illinois

  i was like PREG?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?' (312): i was like PREG? http://tfl.nu/r2o4
  Replies (9) Good night (557) Bad night (879)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself http://tfl.nu/jjur
  Replies (35) Good night (636) Bad night (3131) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (737): View more from Texas

  and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (737): and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best" (303 ): I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas." http://tfl.nu/7cf3
  Replies (59) Good night (4288) Bad night (820)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
  Replies (40) Good night (26943) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

  (616): View more from Michigan

  What?!?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police (616): What?!? (810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police http://tfl.nu/unre
  Replies (20) Good night (4205) Bad night (469)
• Favorite

  (+10): View more from

  I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+10): I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays http://tfl.nu/d92q
  Replies (3) Good night (565) Bad night (1478) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast. http://tfl.nu/sg9r
  Replies (32) Good night (662) Bad night (6725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring. http://tfl.nu/9i68
  Replies (10) Good night (1985) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  who do you think you are?

  (407): View more from Florida

  someone who doesn't ask that question

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): who do you think you are? (407): someone who doesn't ask that question http://tfl.nu/uw7n
  Replies (4) Good night (3021) Bad night (703)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that. http://tfl.nu/wbxh
  Replies (13) Good night (4328) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese. (717): Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days? http://tfl.nu/n2pa
  Replies (6) Good night (3154) Bad night (411)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time. http://tfl.nu/xax0
  Replies (21) Good night (790) Bad night (7242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids http://tfl.nu/et14
  Replies (18) Good night (1250) Bad night (3660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  What did I say?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why. (847): What did I say? (636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection, http://tfl.nu/e9w1
  Replies (10) Good night (7427) Bad night (872)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?! (267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room.. (609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?! http://tfl.nu/dtle
  Replies (37) Good night (430) Bad night (3254)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall http://tfl.nu/usfu
  Replies (3) Good night (3717) Bad night (1074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone. http://tfl.nu/bot7
  Replies (9) Good night (3046) Bad night (391)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules. http://tfl.nu/2gj5
  Replies (15) Good night (5990) Bad night (631)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head? http://tfl.nu/r6cb
  Replies (20) Good night (7754) Bad night (1721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am. http://tfl.nu/dyri
  Replies (6) Good night (1700) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game http://tfl.nu/8vak
  Replies (5) Good night (3320) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

  (1-818): View more from California

  Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night. (1-818): Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit. http://tfl.nu/ras5
  Replies (10) Good night (895) Bad night (7102)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right http://tfl.nu/zv74
  Replies (11) Good night (2382) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
  Replies (37) Good night (9272) Bad night (1194)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now. http://tfl.nu/dua1
  Replies (19) Good night (3972) Bad night (1823)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Well said.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with (703): Well said. http://tfl.nu/migv
  Replies (19) Good night (3294) Bad night (520)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Thank you Grey Goose.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out. (703): Thank you Grey Goose. http://tfl.nu/neos
  Replies (18) Good night (517) Bad night (2065)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  We stopped her at 12

  (708): View more from Illinois

  12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Which answer would freak you out less

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4
  Replies (5) Good night (5341) Bad night (585)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you? http://tfl.nu/agyh
  Replies (5) Good night (499) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis. http://tfl.nu/oi4a
  Replies (30) Good night (6255) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i
  Replies (42) Good night (2249) Bad night (664)
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp' http://tfl.nu/0a7v
  Replies (8) Good night (974) Bad night (3392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite. http://tfl.nu/gcjl
  Replies (7) Good night (2946) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen? http://tfl.nu/ze7l
  Replies (8) Good night (4114) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral http://tfl.nu/0vqu
  Replies (16) Good night (5676) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem.. http://tfl.nu/fbwf
  Replies (5) Good night (965) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call" http://tfl.nu/7z02
  Replies (29) Good night (9464) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab. http://tfl.nu/iyx8
  Replies (14) Good night (4483) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
  Replies (42) Good night (13718) Bad night (1579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff http://tfl.nu/b3xl
  Replies (83) Good night (11430) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that http://tfl.nu/57uu
  Replies (6) Good night (3967) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS? http://tfl.nu/0qn8
  Replies (25) Good night (1551) Bad night (3827) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  This is not my ceiling

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): This is not my ceiling http://tfl.nu/p46e
  Replies (11) Good night (1312) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him. http://tfl.nu/coq9
  Replies (9) Good night (4441) Bad night (1007)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Don't worry about it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave? (1-217): Don't worry about it. http://tfl.nu/f5vn
  Replies (25) Good night (10153) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Party in the USA is so catchy!

  (863): View more from Florida

  Yea, so is AIDS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Party in the USA is so catchy! (863): Yea, so is AIDS. http://tfl.nu/nzzd
  Replies (86) Good night (10930) Bad night (1613)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  our generation is not ready to get married

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"? (636): our generation is not ready to get married http://tfl.nu/klk9
  Replies (49) Good night (6471) Bad night (2132)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  Soap is not a condiment

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): Soap is not a condiment http://tfl.nu/gm1k
  Replies (6) Good night (350) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
  Replies (49) Good night (8738) Bad night (2518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad" http://tfl.nu/8w1c
  Replies (13) Good night (4361) Bad night (1035) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table. http://tfl.nu/st2h
  Replies (5) Good night (614) Bad night (4574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude, osama threatened the US again

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  dude. i slept with your sister last night

  (847): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): dude, osama threatened the US again (1-847): dude. i slept with your sister last night (847): what? (1-847) I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news http://tfl.nu/r4dc
  Replies (26) Good night (4886) Bad night (481)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway" http://tfl.nu/kkqr
  Replies (25) Good night (3407) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole http://tfl.nu/g6br
  Replies (14) Good night (720) Bad night (5656) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx
  Replies (5) Good night (5602) Bad night (1138) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance. http://tfl.nu/ue6b
  Replies (56) Good night (1094) Bad night (2135)
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/lnzm
  Replies (8) Good night (1062) Bad night (3074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles http://tfl.nu/o4hh
  Replies (16) Good night (559) Bad night (1280) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe. http://tfl.nu/ylh3
  Replies (42) Good night (5706) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants http://tfl.nu/j8mk
  Replies (8) Good night (743) Bad night (4946) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm going to rape someone's good day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): I'm going to rape someone's good day. http://tfl.nu/to10
  Replies (14) Good night (3410) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again. http://tfl.nu/gqov
  Replies (8) Good night (1743) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person. http://tfl.nu/v0my
  Replies (12) Good night (3827) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/8siv
  Replies (7) Good night (1185) Bad night (2794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day. http://tfl.nu/trmx
  Replies (2) Good night (2668) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it. http://tfl.nu/bw3w
  Replies (9) Good night (3271) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
  Replies (9) Good night (3961) Bad night (489)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
  Replies (9) Good night (7180) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood. http://tfl.nu/y4bu
  Replies (7) Good night (3487) Bad night (648)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
  Replies (76) Good night (36250) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je
  Replies (37) Good night (6530) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw
  Replies (45) Good night (9992) Bad night (3888) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
  Replies (16) Good night (7320) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand... http://tfl.nu/3a2z
  Replies (8) Good night (1438) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother. http://tfl.nu/cqrd
  Replies (4) Good night (496) Bad night (3349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there. http://tfl.nu/pbyg
  Replies (14) Good night (5850) Bad night (471)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  if there is a rhyme for it it must be true

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): if there is a rhyme for it it must be true http://tfl.nu/ckyq
  Replies (2) Good night (724) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  You drink too much

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): You drink too much (1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often. http://tfl.nu/1oor
  Replies (2) Good night (2577) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible. http://tfl.nu/1wu4
  Replies (11) Good night (6803) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
  Replies (19) Good night (7822) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

  (360): View more from Washington

  let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd! (360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off. http://tfl.nu/xgs8
  Replies (22) Good night (1657) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down. http://tfl.nu/fg57
  Replies (19) Good night (6676) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho. http://tfl.nu/5bol
  Replies (34) Good night (1452) Bad night (4346)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level http://tfl.nu/kj4c
  Replies (16) Good night (4534) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much. http://tfl.nu/ucje
  Replies (7) Good night (1199) Bad night (5373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU. http://tfl.nu/df85
  Replies (21) Good night (4743) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious. http://tfl.nu/jbo1
  Replies (8) Good night (5091) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl
  Replies (12) Good night (7964) Bad night (625)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap. http://tfl.nu/690y
  Replies (16) Good night (3325) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk! http://tfl.nu/py4j
  Replies (6) Good night (3252) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though. http://tfl.nu/1gr0
  Replies (5) Good night (2188) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon" http://tfl.nu/pn3g
  Replies (4) Good night (3825) Bad night (545)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you. http://tfl.nu/jro0
  Replies (9) Good night (3349) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter. http://tfl.nu/jrqc
  Replies (6) Good night (5091) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea http://tfl.nu/nwiv
  Replies (15) Good night (5285) Bad night (775) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life. (1-850): Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say. http://tfl.nu/wlmq
  Replies (11) Good night (589) Bad night (1410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
  Replies (7) Good night (4945) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
  Replies (9) Good night (5326) Bad night (1319) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt http://tfl.nu/wx0v
  Replies (7) Good night (1989) Bad night (1279) Order T-Shirt