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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just invented taco cereal.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
they're like a gay fantastic four
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We left an ass print on the piano.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i drank out of a bidet.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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