Texts From Last Night · carlyxx's Favorites

carlyxx's Favorites Texts:

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Genius.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(818): View more from California

Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.

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(650): View more from California

Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?

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(410): View more from Maryland

you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

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(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(914): View more from New York

This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.

(1-914): View more from New York

maybe it's her son

(914): View more from New York

thats not any better.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(817): View more from Texas

Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(518): View more from New York

Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(703): View more from Virginia

Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys are open that late?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

How did people poop without Blackberrys?

(416): View more from Ontario

Motorola Razers?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Stone age, man.

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

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(203): View more from Connecticut

all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin

(914): View more from New York

and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

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(941): View more from Florida

Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

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(623): View more from Arizona

So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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(440): View more from Ohio

well look at the bright side

(440): View more from Ohio

maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator

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(760): View more from California

There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(219): View more from Indiana

she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(619): View more from California

You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(514): View more from Quebec

I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.

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