Texts From Last Night

capt0bv10u5's Favorites Texts:

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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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  (215): it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target. http://tfl.nu/jyhf
  Replies (2) Good night (697) Bad night (186) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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  (484): there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now. http://tfl.nu/o3be
  Replies (12) Good night (395) Bad night (1142)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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  (801): After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me. http://tfl.nu/tfvw
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  (310): View more from California

  Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

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  (310): Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN. http://tfl.nu/m6qh
  Replies (7) Good night (691) Bad night (209)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity

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  (240): Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity http://tfl.nu/y6wz
  Replies (4) Good night (718) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (420): View more from

  Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.

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  (420): Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides. http://tfl.nu/bzue
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  (518): View more from New York

  He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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  (518): He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one. http://tfl.nu/zjjj
  Replies (4) Good night (1286) Bad night (285) Order T-Shirt
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

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  (787): Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM http://tfl.nu/4phi
  Replies (16) Good night (1052) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

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  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (14) Good night (3639) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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  (215): I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up http://tfl.nu/xoz1
  Replies (9) Good night (1556) Bad night (175) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

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  (412): I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever. http://tfl.nu/25nu
  Replies (6) Good night (1442) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

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  (520): I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special. http://tfl.nu/erlc
  Replies (8) Good night (2799) Bad night (192)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.

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  (651): Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid. http://tfl.nu/33yz
  Replies (4) Good night (963) Bad night (182) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I still make more money.

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  (817): Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions. (214): I still make more money. http://tfl.nu/pibf
  Replies (6) Good night (1939) Bad night (176)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.

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  (207): I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas. http://tfl.nu/wigg
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  (585): View more from New York

  Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know

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  (585): Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know http://tfl.nu/3xrv
  Replies (4) Good night (168) Bad night (1672) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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  (850): Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made. http://tfl.nu/7051
  Replies (5) Good night (1408) Bad night (233)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes

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  (303): idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes http://tfl.nu/2i45
  Replies (2) Good night (664) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
  Replies (9) Good night (2188) Bad night (257)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.

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  (817): I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox. http://tfl.nu/4k53
  Replies (4) Good night (879) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.

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  (+44): Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill. http://tfl.nu/mubs
  Replies (6) Good night (681) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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  (416): I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS? http://tfl.nu/n2hz
  Replies (11) Good night (1849) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.

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  (920): I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon. http://tfl.nu/kbkd
  Replies (8) Good night (845) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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  (231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping. http://tfl.nu/e8qk
  Replies (7) Good night (1369) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame

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  (516): Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame http://tfl.nu/dqi5
  Replies (2) Good night (1323) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

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  (714): A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now. http://tfl.nu/19el
  Replies (7) Good night (1168) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're gonna judge me.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Howd you sleep with him already

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  (720): You're gonna judge me. (303): Howd you sleep with him already http://tfl.nu/qfz4
  Replies (9) Good night (1566) Bad night (198)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

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  (503): Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it http://tfl.nu/r81k
  Replies (14) Good night (2696) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

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  (303): I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover http://tfl.nu/1e3z
  Replies (8) Good night (995) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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  (973): Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke." http://tfl.nu/posr
  Replies (5) Good night (1583) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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  (603): you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker http://tfl.nu/4u00
  Replies (16) Good night (1439) Bad night (265) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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  (920): We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like http://tfl.nu/fep0
  Replies (18) Good night (2814) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

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  (605): Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/wiel
  Replies (25) Good night (1015) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

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  (501): Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/ddwi
  Replies (9) Good night (3213) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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  (706): Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with. http://tfl.nu/r42s
  Replies (12) Good night (2282) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

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  (813): Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed! http://tfl.nu/9riq
  Replies (5) Good night (804) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

  (914): View more from New York

  Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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  (914): He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List (914): Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired) http://tfl.nu/bfp9
  Replies (27) Good night (1429) Bad night (559)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week

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  (919): Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week http://tfl.nu/ejf9
  Replies (3) Good night (593) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.

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  (724): I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport. http://tfl.nu/pho6
  Replies (11) Good night (568) Bad night (1227)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.

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  (907): Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza. http://tfl.nu/7qtg
  Replies (10) Good night (897) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
  Replies (22) Good night (2208) Bad night (334)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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  (417): It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday. http://tfl.nu/s40o
  Replies (15) Good night (1952) Bad night (274)
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  (909): View more from California

  I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

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  (909): I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus. http://tfl.nu/h461
  Replies (4) Good night (903) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

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  (724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/nzjv
  Replies (6) Good night (1349) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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  (636): You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults. http://tfl.nu/yz23
  Replies (3) Good night (1754) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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  (757): I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil http://tfl.nu/9nrx
  Replies (7) Good night (615) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

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  (214): And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy http://tfl.nu/y3l1
  Replies (14) Good night (1743) Bad night (366)
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  (310): View more from California

  What's the address?

  (626): View more from California

  Too drunk. Just google it.

  (310): View more from California

  IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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  (310): What's the address? (626): Too drunk. Just google it. (310): IT'S YOUR HOUSE http://tfl.nu/ymw0
  Replies (5) Good night (2565) Bad night (242)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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  (201): for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/brad
  Replies (10) Good night (3010) Bad night (290)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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  (305): She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered" http://tfl.nu/7vwf
  Replies (3) Good night (1659) Bad night (258) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence

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  (614): I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence http://tfl.nu/48zv
  Replies (3) Good night (1181) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?

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  (250): Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude? http://tfl.nu/r6rp
  Replies (2) Good night (855) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

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  (218): I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent. http://tfl.nu/0vft
  Replies (25) Good night (1980) Bad night (445)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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  (201): Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend? http://tfl.nu/zwy0
  Replies (9) Good night (2243) Bad night (309)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.

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  (740): There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place. http://tfl.nu/9g42
  Replies (5) Good night (826) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Is that even possible?

  (509): View more from Washington

  I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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  (509): He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me. (425): Is that even possible? (509): I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/y48j
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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  (920): Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now http://tfl.nu/chmx
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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  (908): You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over http://tfl.nu/or3u
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  (707): View more from California

  I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.

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  (707): I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/bt78
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

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  (403): I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick. http://tfl.nu/pw1i
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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  (860): I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off. http://tfl.nu/qi2a
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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  (770): All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all. http://tfl.nu/00r4
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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  (318): They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it. http://tfl.nu/p3lc
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  (716): View more from New York

  i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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  (716): i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents. http://tfl.nu/knds
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..

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  (570): I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going.. http://tfl.nu/xhce
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  (562): View more from California

  well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed

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  (562): well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed http://tfl.nu/ggi5
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
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  (310): View more from California

  My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

  (323): View more from California

  If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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  (310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity." (323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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  (770): You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned. http://tfl.nu/2qpc
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think

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  (401): in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think http://tfl.nu/ydqs
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

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  (319): Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable http://tfl.nu/cclu
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.

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  (910): once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits. http://tfl.nu/8psa
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.

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  (214): She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water. http://tfl.nu/39g2
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her

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  (856): and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her http://tfl.nu/d5zb
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

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  (781): Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade" http://tfl.nu/du64
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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  (773): You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING (1-773): Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time http://tfl.nu/yjp9
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  (917): View more from New York City

  You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard

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  (917): You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard http://tfl.nu/7qxy
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  (631): View more from New York

  Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

  (516): View more from New York

  lol... you weighed it?

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  (631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I feel like death gave me a hand job

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  (505): I feel like death gave me a hand job http://tfl.nu/81uy
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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  (412): I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila. http://tfl.nu/4mhj
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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  (240): Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird. (434): Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/td3o
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?

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  (507): Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth? http://tfl.nu/1qlq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  U took a sewing needle to his nipple

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  Psshh,

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  (201): U took a sewing needle to his nipple (1-201): Psshh, http://tfl.nu/q54n
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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  (314): you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything. http://tfl.nu/wqjw
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs

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  (615): You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs http://tfl.nu/j07e
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

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  (678): Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min. http://tfl.nu/nnq2
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  (941): View more from Florida

  He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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  (941): He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward. http://tfl.nu/8plk
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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  (860): You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie. http://tfl.nu/zzfj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

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  (303): Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?! http://tfl.nu/om37
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.

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  (717): I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina. http://tfl.nu/ow9j
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  (386): View more from Florida

  At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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  (386): At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"? http://tfl.nu/260m
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party

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  (613): Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party http://tfl.nu/4m7c
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  (283): View more from Ohio

  He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.

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  (283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought. http://tfl.nu/hl8d
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
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  (813): View more from Florida

  EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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  (813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?

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  (832): You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you? http://tfl.nu/n46m
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  (631): View more from New York

  In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.

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  (631): In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out. http://tfl.nu/wzbc
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem

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  (803): thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem http://tfl.nu/yh4o
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  What kind of balloon animal was it?

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  (503): you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor. (1-503): What kind of balloon animal was it? http://tfl.nu/lyo1
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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  (603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.

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  (713): Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga. http://tfl.nu/fdid
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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  (302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

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  (860): Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/pxbo
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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  (601): Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog. http://tfl.nu/t7wp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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  (541): bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me? http://tfl.nu/wm16
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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  (314): Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them. http://tfl.nu/ibul
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
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  (707): View more from California

  They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

  (705): View more from Ontario

  I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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  (707): They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR. (705): I NEED to see if his girl has a sister. http://tfl.nu/ou19
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?

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  (330): Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward? http://tfl.nu/hi7y
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

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  (303): he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper http://tfl.nu/eza0
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  (04): View more from

  This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

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  (04): This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street. http://tfl.nu/uumo
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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  (609): and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier. http://tfl.nu/u9m6
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.

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  (478): this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this. http://tfl.nu/syfp
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  (607): View more from New York

  No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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  (607): No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk. http://tfl.nu/h3m8
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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  (812): It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus. http://tfl.nu/yin3
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

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  (605): I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway... http://tfl.nu/fmfe
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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  (706): He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom? http://tfl.nu/9suz
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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  (336): You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch http://tfl.nu/vf66
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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  (312): I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp? http://tfl.nu/sqhc
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  (239): View more from Florida

  He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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  (239): He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish. http://tfl.nu/b945
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

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  (303): I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted. http://tfl.nu/7vqn
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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  (570): Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied. http://tfl.nu/2f2b
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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  (386): I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness http://tfl.nu/l65r
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  (631): View more from New York

  Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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  (631): Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl. http://tfl.nu/065k
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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  (978): The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up... (978): Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis? http://tfl.nu/mb06
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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  (507): you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now http://tfl.nu/xehl
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  strike, motherfucker.

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  (423): You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em. (423): strike, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/ain2
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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  (443): My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love. http://tfl.nu/12sb
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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  (678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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  (319): Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away? http://tfl.nu/h2kh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

  (713): View more from Texas

  So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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  (832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (770): you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why. (678): THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/cex4
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  (408): View more from California

  She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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  (408): She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety http://tfl.nu/edsh
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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  (952): So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious (781): Oh my god you need to get off of facebook. http://tfl.nu/ws52
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You almost married that.

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  (412): Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower. (1-412): You almost married that. http://tfl.nu/nlo1
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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  (360): Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people. http://tfl.nu/w1ks
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  (631): View more from New York

  if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

  (516): View more from New York

  .org?

  (631): View more from New York

  yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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  (631): if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org (516): .org? (631): yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night. http://tfl.nu/4hpr
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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  (267): Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her. http://tfl.nu/ywpc
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Goddamn tequila

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  (306): I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one (306): Goddamn tequila http://tfl.nu/4ri7
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  (559): View more from California

  well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"

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  (559): well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle" http://tfl.nu/25nv
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.

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  (580): So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep. http://tfl.nu/hhhj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.

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  (330): okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important. http://tfl.nu/wfir
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i dont think thats healthy man...

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  (970): im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful. (303): i dont think thats healthy man... http://tfl.nu/vurl
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He is like the real live version of the state fair..

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  (501): He is like the real live version of the state fair.. http://tfl.nu/cptf
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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  (501): If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame. http://tfl.nu/x1of
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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  (501): First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come. http://tfl.nu/qjzy
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  (714): View more from California

  Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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  (714): Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock. http://tfl.nu/bwd8
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

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  (701): I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this. http://tfl.nu/2wr9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

  (719): View more from Colorado

  LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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  (815): Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old... (719): LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though.. http://tfl.nu/fsbn
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

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  (217): While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month. http://tfl.nu/gp1m
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?

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  (501): I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one? http://tfl.nu/9wky
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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  (501): i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever. http://tfl.nu/sfg3
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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  (772): Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish http://tfl.nu/fyel
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  (646): View more from New York

  You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

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  (646): You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std? http://tfl.nu/jhp0
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"

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  (778): I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie" http://tfl.nu/vq1n
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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  (708): Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life. http://tfl.nu/mhw6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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  (847): This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy. http://tfl.nu/ha0a
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  (530): View more from California

  On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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  (530): On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite. http://tfl.nu/tnfr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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  (519): Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed. http://tfl.nu/q7k6
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  (760): View more from California

  I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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  (760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

  (747): View more from California

  Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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  (256): I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks. (747): Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either. http://tfl.nu/6mbq
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  (949): View more from California

  Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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  (949): Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween? http://tfl.nu/23ri
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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  (305): Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement. http://tfl.nu/gpxv
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  (+33): View more from France

  I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.

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  (+33): I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again. http://tfl.nu/fepp
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

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  (740): Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe? http://tfl.nu/3oc2
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?

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  (479): Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace? http://tfl.nu/xfzk
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  (916): View more from California

  Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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  (916): Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On. http://tfl.nu/kp7b
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  where do you find these guys?

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  (413): he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight' (860): where do you find these guys? http://tfl.nu/yte1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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  (303): What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad. http://tfl.nu/nd1v
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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  (330): Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control." http://tfl.nu/dz9s
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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  (616): I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D http://tfl.nu/kf4w
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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  (248): Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling? http://tfl.nu/8zdi
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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  (702): the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from http://tfl.nu/ac6d
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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  (207): I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg. http://tfl.nu/2hwi
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