cannabislecter's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Do you have any need for a scary clown mask? http://tfl.nu/9rfd
  Replies (4) Good night (420) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf... http://tfl.nu/zbk2
  Replies (4) Good night (314) Bad night (1287) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good" http://tfl.nu/jrza
  Replies (13) Good night (1601) Bad night (642)
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave. http://tfl.nu/dd7g
  Replies (6) Good night (1060) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour http://tfl.nu/upbq
  Replies (11) Good night (2284) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take http://tfl.nu/nsgg
  Replies (11) Good night (1651) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire http://tfl.nu/ff4y
  Replies (5) Good night (1438) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her. (1-610): That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs http://tfl.nu/zsmx
  Replies (5) Good night (1623) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing http://tfl.nu/lzer
  Replies (15) Good night (3324) Bad night (1171) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward

  (213): View more from California

  There's a lil minaj in everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward (213): There's a lil minaj in everyone http://tfl.nu/33cz
  Replies (7) Good night (1596) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather. http://tfl.nu/isyp
  Replies (10) Good night (1613) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches http://tfl.nu/88ib
  Replies (4) Good night (545) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better. http://tfl.nu/vdj0
  Replies (8) Good night (2271) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy? http://tfl.nu/x9f9
  Replies (15) Good night (1490) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life http://tfl.nu/dyz8
  Replies (8) Good night (2633) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German? http://tfl.nu/lobs
  Replies (11) Good night (1590) Bad night (1056) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  there not mine if that helps

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter (1-717): there not mine if that helps http://tfl.nu/k00a
  Replies (6) Good night (2126) Bad night (771)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out http://tfl.nu/wj5z
  Replies (31) Good night (1587) Bad night (5734)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close. http://tfl.nu/wx41
  Replies (5) Good night (709) Bad night (2010) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water. http://tfl.nu/tyil
  Replies (6) Good night (1411) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works. http://tfl.nu/2moz
  Replies (10) Good night (1914) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that. http://tfl.nu/5zek
  Replies (21) Good night (1821) Bad night (2088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes. http://tfl.nu/34tx
  Replies (20) Good night (751) Bad night (2265) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands http://tfl.nu/o72z
  Replies (22) Good night (2071) Bad night (1053) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy... http://tfl.nu/s54g
  Replies (14) Good night (3691) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head. http://tfl.nu/n0gh
  Replies (33) Good night (1126) Bad night (2725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now http://tfl.nu/t7qb
  Replies (19) Good night (944) Bad night (4410)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation" http://tfl.nu/sb0g
  Replies (19) Good night (7460) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground http://tfl.nu/mit9
  Replies (22) Good night (964) Bad night (4208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

  (586): View more from Michigan

  We did he did.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it (586): We did he did. (586): When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers http://tfl.nu/dzfm
  Replies (6) Good night (1370) Bad night (440)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

   Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard. 

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.  http://tfl.nu/9e9a
  Replies (4) Good night (667) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
  Replies (10) Good night (3284) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman http://tfl.nu/wgol
  Replies (11) Good night (3015) Bad night (906)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him. http://tfl.nu/u51w
  Replies (23) Good night (7138) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident http://tfl.nu/zocq
  Replies (2) Good night (891) Bad night (1239) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  there are ass prints on the hood of my car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): there are ass prints on the hood of my car. http://tfl.nu/hwv7
  Replies (10) Good night (2935) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
  Replies (12) Good night (3448) Bad night (749)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE. http://tfl.nu/7oeu
  Replies (9) Good night (1173) Bad night (2128) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
  Replies (19) Good night (3806) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes. http://tfl.nu/hbc7
  Replies (8) Good night (3059) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides. http://tfl.nu/4pjs
  Replies (26) Good night (4326) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?! (267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room.. (609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?! http://tfl.nu/dtle
  Replies (37) Good night (603) Bad night (3451)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back http://tfl.nu/xxu5
  Replies (33) Good night (4116) Bad night (1256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  He likes Jesus. Game over.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): He likes Jesus. Game over. (804): Oooh wait, he just told me he was high. http://tfl.nu/lcdj
  Replies (14) Good night (4732) Bad night (1331)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm lost and stupid without you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): I'm lost and stupid without you. http://tfl.nu/d04q
  Replies (5) Good night (1142) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
  Replies (81) Good night (8473) Bad night (893)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time. http://tfl.nu/wfi0
  Replies (5) Good night (2009) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker." http://tfl.nu/s149
  Replies (75) Good night (1131) Bad night (5003) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again. http://tfl.nu/y1d0
  Replies (32) Good night (1135) Bad night (6054) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
  Replies (8) Good night (6938) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (20499) Bad night (1811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running http://tfl.nu/xnze
  Replies (5) Good night (690) Bad night (2189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

  (305): View more from Florida

  Did you save them?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning. (305): Did you save them? (404): Who? http://tfl.nu/1xdf
  Replies (28) Good night (5392) Bad night (1055)
• Favorite

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8
  Replies (36) Good night (8991) Bad night (1186) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
  Replies (25) Good night (14169) Bad night (1081) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): mustard is like jesus in yellow tights http://tfl.nu/uvec
  Replies (9) Good night (1315) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
  Replies (30) Good night (9306) Bad night (977)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY. http://tfl.nu/nqby
  Replies (32) Good night (1653) Bad night (7369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Some milfs here doing some blow

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Dad?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Some milfs here doing some blow (1-203): Dad? http://tfl.nu/14p7
  Replies (64) Good night (3645) Bad night (8078) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes http://tfl.nu/yckh
  Replies (14) Good night (693) Bad night (3109) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker http://tfl.nu/hydd
  Replies (12) Good night (2796) Bad night (2558) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers." http://tfl.nu/fu3x
  Replies (11) Good night (933) Bad night (2971) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  All of them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want? (1-812): All of them http://tfl.nu/mhdi
  Replies (42) Good night (9689) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success. http://tfl.nu/kq4s
  Replies (8) Good night (2998) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
  Replies (19) Good night (3659) Bad night (1184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure" http://tfl.nu/54yc
  Replies (15) Good night (1202) Bad night (3726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again. http://tfl.nu/rreu
  Replies (54) Good night (956) Bad night (4806) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

  (647): View more from Ontario

  well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross (647): well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun http://tfl.nu/i4zj
  Replies (12) Good night (697) Bad night (3435)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark. http://tfl.nu/i86g
  Replies (13) Good night (975) Bad night (2175) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (555): View more from

  My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (555): My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique http://tfl.nu/mm4o
  Replies (17) Good night (4366) Bad night (1328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training. http://tfl.nu/gmkx
  Replies (50) Good night (3109) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend http://tfl.nu/d6xp
  Replies (5) Good night (4257) Bad night (908)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere. http://tfl.nu/r42x
  Replies (13) Good night (1241) Bad night (4345) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party http://tfl.nu/8yh5
  Replies (12) Good night (3633) Bad night (1000) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. http://tfl.nu/937u
  Replies (9) Good night (5042) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

  (661): View more from California

  should have blown me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): thank you for a lively/lovely evening :) (661): should have blown me. http://tfl.nu/rnof
  Replies (50) Good night (775) Bad night (3862)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How unfortunate for your Mom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein. (1-847): How unfortunate for your Mom. http://tfl.nu/e7p2
  Replies (33) Good night (576) Bad night (3541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight http://tfl.nu/88wf
  Replies (8) Good night (3507) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I just didn't expect you to be so naked.... http://tfl.nu/rjbc
  Replies (7) Good night (3318) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Someone shit on the floor

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Someone shit on the floor http://tfl.nu/4f0v
  Replies (20) Good night (624) Bad night (2834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  That's when you crack a 10am beer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): That's when you crack a 10am beer http://tfl.nu/ppt1
  Replies (12) Good night (2542) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/vksk
  Replies (42) Good night (788) Bad night (6110)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him. http://tfl.nu/sxwx
  Replies (8) Good night (937) Bad night (3211) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

  (1-631): View more from New York

  whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple (1-631): whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread? http://tfl.nu/vnh0
  Replies (31) Good night (4220) Bad night (1363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented. http://tfl.nu/jb6b
  Replies (810) Good night (12458) Bad night (5720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1588) Bad night (4161)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  fuck your aforementioned shoe

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): fuck your aforementioned shoe http://tfl.nu/6ubu
  Replies (27) Good night (4400) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite. http://tfl.nu/pt3f
  Replies (3) Good night (878) Bad night (2754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia. http://tfl.nu/rank
  Replies (70) Good night (3106) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5
  Replies (10) Good night (5883) Bad night (1097) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
  Replies (59) Good night (14853) Bad night (1929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  As in blowjob or cannibalism?

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance. (1-515): As in blowjob or cannibalism? (515): I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal. http://tfl.nu/r3de
  Replies (71) Good night (3918) Bad night (1338)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
  Replies (20) Good night (6558) Bad night (1227) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/2gcf
  Replies (32) Good night (13398) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess. http://tfl.nu/8pax
  Replies (47) Good night (4661) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent http://tfl.nu/j2m9
  Replies (45) Good night (3869) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
  Replies (257) Good night (8204) Bad night (2225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze. http://tfl.nu/gtjj
  Replies (9) Good night (5107) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob. http://tfl.nu/q7jj
  Replies (25) Good night (529) Bad night (4216) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve. http://tfl.nu/thtu
  Replies (9) Good night (695) Bad night (3010) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
  Replies (10) Good night (8131) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
  Replies (50) Good night (19640) Bad night (1992) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself. http://tfl.nu/lbys
  Replies (14) Good night (4467) Bad night (864)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck. http://tfl.nu/5f0o
  Replies (24) Good night (9726) Bad night (1858)
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
  Replies (33) Good night (12549) Bad night (1307)
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you. http://tfl.nu/w13u
  Replies (48) Good night (2124) Bad night (3122) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor. http://tfl.nu/qg7g
  Replies (35) Good night (4989) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
  Replies (36) Good night (21329) Bad night (2978) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along. http://tfl.nu/x1z0
  Replies (11) Good night (849) Bad night (3773) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes http://tfl.nu/3hm9
  Replies (50) Good night (8873) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep. http://tfl.nu/seq6
  Replies (14) Good night (5246) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels. http://tfl.nu/jjfn
  Replies (13) Good night (4679) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep. http://tfl.nu/xylt
  Replies (52) Good night (1466) Bad night (7962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me. http://tfl.nu/ua0x
  Replies (12) Good night (4387) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure http://tfl.nu/wzgm
  Replies (16) Good night (601) Bad night (2225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
  Replies (43) Good night (14860) Bad night (1130) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you. http://tfl.nu/620d
  Replies (20) Good night (5495) Bad night (886)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd
  Replies (58) Good night (832) Bad night (11995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh. http://tfl.nu/s2cz
  Replies (40) Good night (4215) Bad night (1132)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion. http://tfl.nu/50jg
  Replies (86) Good night (3208) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here" http://tfl.nu/hp38
  Replies (18) Good night (6829) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal http://tfl.nu/6ttq
  Replies (10) Good night (3506) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/werm
  Replies (9) Good night (766) Bad night (1775) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time! http://tfl.nu/2h7j
  Replies (12) Good night (670) Bad night (3432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

  (619): View more from California

  Cremation, why do you ask?

  (760): View more from California

  I think we have a bit of a problem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo (619): Cremation, why do you ask? (760): I think we have a bit of a problem http://tfl.nu/6d26
  Replies (15) Good night (899) Bad night (1425)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already. http://tfl.nu/owi8
  Replies (15) Good night (996) Bad night (2109) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
  Replies (59) Good night (6263) Bad night (862)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

  (812): View more from Indiana

  ?

  (646): View more from New York

  Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE! (812): ? (646): Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that? http://tfl.nu/5o1s
  Replies (37) Good night (3389) Bad night (597)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum http://tfl.nu/wrcg
  Replies (26) Good night (4465) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice. http://tfl.nu/z7v3
  Replies (14) Good night (4386) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina. (1-214): ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname... http://tfl.nu/qpb9
  Replies (19) Good night (1721) Bad night (4682) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you. http://tfl.nu/kcuf
  Replies (12) Good night (2237) Bad night (3283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself. http://tfl.nu/5eaf
  Replies (33) Good night (618) Bad night (5906) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/d4tz
  Replies (28) Good night (2040) Bad night (4666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called. http://tfl.nu/lgas
  Replies (21) Good night (3124) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  I'll bet she douches with gravy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): I'll bet she douches with gravy. http://tfl.nu/j4az
  Replies (6) Good night (540) Bad night (3045) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Haha how do you remember that?

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  HOW COULD I FORGET?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later. (1-717): Haha how do you remember that? (717): HOW COULD I FORGET?! http://tfl.nu/ylr0
  Replies (39) Good night (5373) Bad night (684)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple http://tfl.nu/1d3q
  Replies (11) Good night (4089) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches. http://tfl.nu/uy09
  Replies (30) Good night (9727) Bad night (919)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now. http://tfl.nu/gc18
  Replies (20) Good night (3314) Bad night (5640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?

  (469): View more from Texas

  Ya, why?

  (972): View more from Texas

  We should try that some time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): Remember that sex scene from American Psycho? (469): Ya, why? (972): We should try that some time. http://tfl.nu/72x3
  Replies (10) Good night (1074) Bad night (513)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

  (205): View more from Alabama

  pick me up NOW

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve" (205): pick me up NOW http://tfl.nu/weqr
  Replies (17) Good night (1086) Bad night (4567)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around http://tfl.nu/2geo
  Replies (23) Good night (1373) Bad night (2731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu
  Replies (10) Good night (6867) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
  Replies (17) Good night (5144) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I love my bros weed

  (650): View more from California

  Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I love my bros weed (650): Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though http://tfl.nu/whw4
  Replies (31) Good night (2250) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
  Replies (57) Good night (4495) Bad night (1121)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2
  Replies (15) Good night (7271) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal. http://tfl.nu/1sv3
  Replies (26) Good night (3871) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
  Replies (47) Good night (10017) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better http://tfl.nu/9gj2
  Replies (21) Good night (5080) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks. http://tfl.nu/dlzp
  Replies (6) Good night (2499) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit. (1-607): I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey http://tfl.nu/q7g1
  Replies (16) Good night (2601) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

  (765): View more from Indiana

  call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude (765): call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing http://tfl.nu/wjo2
  Replies (41) Good night (1548) Bad night (3094)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Stop texting me, I'm right here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards. (773): Stop texting me, I'm right here. http://tfl.nu/1yrs
  Replies (8) Good night (4794) Bad night (1034)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs http://tfl.nu/gf82
  Replies (71) Good night (2137) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead. http://tfl.nu/xiio
  Replies (14) Good night (1949) Bad night (7442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
  Replies (35) Good night (13602) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av
  Replies (22) Good night (8876) Bad night (1190) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
  Replies (25) Good night (6859) Bad night (957) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur http://tfl.nu/wpeh
  Replies (31) Good night (4745) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it. http://tfl.nu/lnan
  Replies (18) Good night (2032) Bad night (5895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone. http://tfl.nu/li7n
  Replies (10) Good night (2169) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
  Replies (14) Good night (13877) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face http://tfl.nu/l9l7
  Replies (23) Good night (2149) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51672) Bad night (5687)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out" http://tfl.nu/k16a
  Replies (9) Good night (1359) Bad night (5254) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"? http://tfl.nu/w79j
  Replies (148) Good night (5959) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (1-415): View more from California

  What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

  (415): View more from California

  Irish Spring?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey? (415): Irish Spring? http://tfl.nu/ebnx
  Replies (20) Good night (4199) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops http://tfl.nu/07bg
  Replies (45) Good night (10329) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out. http://tfl.nu/7k9a
  Replies (11) Good night (5322) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out. http://tfl.nu/3h1q
  Replies (13) Good night (890) Bad night (3058) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
  Replies (42) Good night (8340) Bad night (4658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): her lazy eye was starring daggers at me. http://tfl.nu/0qd5
  Replies (17) Good night (583) Bad night (3173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
  Replies (130) Good night (20259) Bad night (2104) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat. (1-303): ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent. http://tfl.nu/2smi
  Replies (17) Good night (12362) Bad night (1462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth. http://tfl.nu/is4b
  Replies (22) Good night (1317) Bad night (2793) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Acid is not a monday night drug

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Acid is not a monday night drug http://tfl.nu/0lf0
  Replies (44) Good night (1613) Bad night (4066) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
  Replies (105) Good night (12889) Bad night (1392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy... http://tfl.nu/q7uq
  Replies (14) Good night (1023) Bad night (2254) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
  Replies (45) Good night (28341) Bad night (1968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it. http://tfl.nu/dmrx
  Replies (13) Good night (1702) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch. http://tfl.nu/y4b9
  Replies (20) Good night (602) Bad night (6790)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser. http://tfl.nu/232e
  Replies (24) Good night (1655) Bad night (7923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem. http://tfl.nu/kucl
  Replies (29) Good night (1996) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie. http://tfl.nu/febc
  Replies (35) Good night (4764) Bad night (1731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming. http://tfl.nu/4nef
  Replies (51) Good night (8514) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment. http://tfl.nu/tuh7
  Replies (39) Good night (11766) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look. http://tfl.nu/n3uw
  Replies (16) Good night (4789) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (12275) Bad night (1390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground. (724): Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday. http://tfl.nu/bc8e
  Replies (140) Good night (2925) Bad night (576)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
  Replies (55) Good night (1027) Bad night (2932)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing" http://tfl.nu/damz
  Replies (27) Good night (621) Bad night (3768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic http://tfl.nu/5xzq
  Replies (37) Good night (4977) Bad night (1357) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the hells wrong with u

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard. (1-902): the hells wrong with u http://tfl.nu/fwtj
  Replies (17) Good night (1590) Bad night (3532) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic... http://tfl.nu/yey5
  Replies (88) Good night (9974) Bad night (1350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off. http://tfl.nu/1gub
  Replies (56) Good night (591) Bad night (5577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (28) Good night (16328) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said" http://tfl.nu/5y3k
  Replies (39) Good night (2557) Bad night (4920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
  Replies (18) Good night (9859) Bad night (1214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  that probably didn't help your case.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing. (1-810): that probably didn't help your case. http://tfl.nu/4tll
  Replies (14) Good night (1437) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
  Replies (191) Good night (15856) Bad night (2188) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he wasn't. neither were you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss? (1-920): no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom? (920): he wasn't. neither were you. http://tfl.nu/3ltg
  Replies (16) Good night (6899) Bad night (1024)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network. http://tfl.nu/cww0
  Replies (19) Good night (5243) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table http://tfl.nu/2wbi
  Replies (24) Good night (869) Bad night (3746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner. http://tfl.nu/otz7
  Replies (36) Good night (16585) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face. http://tfl.nu/6ki2
  Replies (31) Good night (903) Bad night (1802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim. http://tfl.nu/xioc
  Replies (19) Good night (1176) Bad night (4376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Chicken burrito, or no deal.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Is that code for my vagina?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Chicken burrito, or no deal. (1-402): Is that code for my vagina? (402): Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito http://tfl.nu/ldfv
  Replies (30) Good night (4122) Bad night (890)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez" http://tfl.nu/8edj
  Replies (18) Good night (6738) Bad night (1240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about. http://tfl.nu/gd5e
  Replies (43) Good night (1137) Bad night (8984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
  Replies (22) Good night (14013) Bad night (1131)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked. http://tfl.nu/6dqf
  Replies (28) Good night (1268) Bad night (4808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice" http://tfl.nu/bgbh
  Replies (18) Good night (3747) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for... http://tfl.nu/dqoy
  Replies (17) Good night (4235) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table... http://tfl.nu/b55w
  Replies (6) Good night (3535) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366
  Replies (12) Good night (5528) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  The beer is more important than you right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): The beer is more important than you right now. http://tfl.nu/guwa
  Replies (8) Good night (3457) Bad night (1212) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends http://tfl.nu/q0nl
  Replies (5) Good night (2409) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad. http://tfl.nu/pphf
  Replies (16) Good night (8274) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me. http://tfl.nu/tn93
  Replies (29) Good night (4619) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
  Replies (21) Good night (7800) Bad night (1095) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out http://tfl.nu/89tu
  Replies (40) Good night (1407) Bad night (7032) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  pretty standard. you have fun last night?

  (512): View more from Texas

  apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long? (1-512): pretty standard. you have fun last night? (512): apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean? (1-512): typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat. http://tfl.nu/ntbz
  Replies (8) Good night (1403) Bad night (431)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat... http://tfl.nu/oev5
  Replies (7) Good night (516) Bad night (1339) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night. http://tfl.nu/f2ed
  Replies (14) Good night (7195) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
  Replies (37) Good night (3608) Bad night (628)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
  Replies (39) Good night (705) Bad night (4276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me (1-313): restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch http://tfl.nu/60qu
  Replies (10) Good night (839) Bad night (1753)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg (1-973): gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something? (973): yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars http://tfl.nu/7tyz
  Replies (18) Good night (1397) Bad night (5540)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building http://tfl.nu/3ctj
  Replies (2) Good night (3510) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person... http://tfl.nu/4pvh
  Replies (25) Good night (4498) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort. http://tfl.nu/dcm6
  Replies (11) Good night (3163) Bad night (489)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
  Replies (11) Good night (7829) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window. http://tfl.nu/q9w7
  Replies (24) Good night (4912) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers. http://tfl.nu/k6c6
  Replies (26) Good night (6079) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers http://tfl.nu/btsl
  Replies (12) Good night (4727) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  bitch so ugly she owes me an erection

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): bitch so ugly she owes me an erection http://tfl.nu/ldn1
  Replies (29) Good night (700) Bad night (4600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?" http://tfl.nu/6u9j
  Replies (20) Good night (811) Bad night (3683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children. http://tfl.nu/trxp
  Replies (24) Good night (7872) Bad night (1004)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62243) Bad night (4263)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
  Replies (117) Good night (2986) Bad night (11684)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet. http://tfl.nu/nuvu
  Replies (55) Good night (927) Bad night (3636)
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
  Replies (14) Good night (5190) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time http://tfl.nu/w7q6
  Replies (13) Good night (7438) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel? http://tfl.nu/f7r7
  Replies (40) Good night (1051) Bad night (3176) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass http://tfl.nu/zzr1
  Replies (19) Good night (3087) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes. (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/t985
  Replies (54) Good night (1362) Bad night (13429)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  your address is 607B right?

  (785): View more from Kansas

  yeah why?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): your address is 607B right? (785): yeah why? (913): i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it http://tfl.nu/019d
  Replies (11) Good night (1060) Bad night (3941)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse http://tfl.nu/0v20
  Replies (12) Good night (4622) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
  Replies (260) Good night (3951) Bad night (78173)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall http://tfl.nu/krc7
  Replies (43) Good night (11434) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
  Replies (11) Good night (5210) Bad night (1072) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light. (1-206): Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had. http://tfl.nu/n63r
  Replies (8) Good night (1075) Bad night (1742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear." http://tfl.nu/uaxy
  Replies (19) Good night (9139) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle. http://tfl.nu/b46q
  Replies (52) Good night (1778) Bad night (9982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf
  Replies (33) Good night (6886) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer

  (214): View more from Texas

  i owe you one

  (469): View more from Texas

  thanks for snagging those panties for me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer (214): i owe you one (469): thanks for snagging those panties for me http://tfl.nu/g3sv
  Replies (9) Good night (1204) Bad night (495)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right? http://tfl.nu/9010
  Replies (17) Good night (4603) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that. http://tfl.nu/wlf7
  Replies (4) Good night (605) Bad night (1950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
  Replies (82) Good night (39569) Bad night (1943)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido" http://tfl.nu/7omt
  Replies (27) Good night (1517) Bad night (4498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8
  Replies (42) Good night (12755) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (116) Good night (46405) Bad night (2024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

  (325): View more from Texas

  Because you touch yourself at night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working? (325): Because you touch yourself at night. http://tfl.nu/lm5u
  Replies (14) Good night (2992) Bad night (712)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories

  (239): View more from Florida

  He could rock you to sleep

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories (239): He could rock you to sleep http://tfl.nu/6xlx
  Replies (28) Good night (3839) Bad night (1015)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night http://tfl.nu/5q0r
  Replies (10) Good night (8218) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said. http://tfl.nu/hb96
  Replies (58) Good night (6785) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
  Replies (26) Good night (5029) Bad night (1565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car. http://tfl.nu/v5pu
  Replies (31) Good night (1172) Bad night (7579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9" http://tfl.nu/v0g1
  Replies (52) Good night (4399) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where. http://tfl.nu/dvsr
  Replies (3) Good night (3219) Bad night (1178) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only. http://tfl.nu/udpk
  Replies (33) Good night (4520) Bad night (891)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy. http://tfl.nu/x9uw
  Replies (50) Good night (9722) Bad night (2196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): I wish facebook had a fuck off button. http://tfl.nu/0iiv
  Replies (34) Good night (10383) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby" http://tfl.nu/q8vs
  Replies (54) Good night (1817) Bad night (4546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING http://tfl.nu/6fv4
  Replies (24) Good night (989) Bad night (8701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
  Replies (100) Good night (37948) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that. http://tfl.nu/622i
  Replies (20) Good night (2295) Bad night (4561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. http://tfl.nu/4dkg
  Replies (33) Good night (3438) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man. http://tfl.nu/8qmy
  Replies (73) Good night (8984) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
  Replies (63) Good night (8275) Bad night (578)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels. http://tfl.nu/nz1k
  Replies (5) Good night (4493) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
  Replies (96) Good night (13153) Bad night (2115) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out. http://tfl.nu/rgfe
  Replies (6) Good night (4377) Bad night (1444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself. http://tfl.nu/s9we
  Replies (64) Good night (1830) Bad night (4718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  Moan for me like Helen Keller

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): Moan for me like Helen Keller http://tfl.nu/vo5w
  Replies (33) Good night (2558) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out. http://tfl.nu/rr3m
  Replies (91) Good night (4091) Bad night (16263) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you? http://tfl.nu/4jb3
  Replies (22) Good night (9259) Bad night (6110) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6
  Replies (29) Good night (2744) Bad night (6855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message http://tfl.nu/pqsm
  Replies (9) Good night (5496) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
  Replies (42) Good night (14280) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus. http://tfl.nu/wqiq
  Replies (10) Good night (3795) Bad night (1397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar http://tfl.nu/5trr
  Replies (12) Good night (2953) Bad night (1931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased http://tfl.nu/sw63
  Replies (19) Good night (3584) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
  Replies (15) Good night (1927) Bad night (5350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
  Replies (76) Good night (21547) Bad night (1255)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village. http://tfl.nu/cmft
  Replies (16) Good night (5256) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city. http://tfl.nu/k96c
  Replies (14) Good night (1163) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

  (310): View more from California

  wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

  (818): View more from California

  why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape (310): wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape? (818): why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES http://tfl.nu/d72u
  Replies (94) Good night (1055) Bad night (12100)
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  oh god the rape fog is back!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): oh god the rape fog is back! http://tfl.nu/bgw9
  Replies (11) Good night (692) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk
  Replies (23) Good night (5952) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  b/c u have herpes

  (310): View more from California

  No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss? (770): b/c u have herpes (310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole. http://tfl.nu/unxh
  Replies (19) Good night (907) Bad night (5387)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka http://tfl.nu/4spi
  Replies (37) Good night (1254) Bad night (13018)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

  (510): View more from California

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it. (510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7kxq
  Replies (133) Good night (1092) Bad night (29355)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s
  Replies (19) Good night (5904) Bad night (956)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance. http://tfl.nu/0bj8
  Replies (13) Good night (4135) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
  Replies (21) Good night (11342) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face http://tfl.nu/f86d
  Replies (46) Good night (10567) Bad night (2606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later. http://tfl.nu/r27t
  Replies (24) Good night (3911) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome http://tfl.nu/g749
  Replies (19) Good night (517) Bad night (2952) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

  (415): View more from California

  be there in 3 mins

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit. (415): be there in 3 mins http://tfl.nu/00q0
  Replies (26) Good night (3392) Bad night (500)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks. http://tfl.nu/wi6e
  Replies (12) Good night (567) Bad night (3633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth http://tfl.nu/33ft
  Replies (31) Good night (1870) Bad night (6161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
  Replies (30) Good night (10138) Bad night (1468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw
  Replies (26) Good night (7898) Bad night (1134)
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

  (347): View more from New York

  I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su
  Replies (41) Good night (11079) Bad night (2072)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out. http://tfl.nu/5rrz
  Replies (43) Good night (4587) Bad night (1015)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Haha how much did you smoke

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  4 feet of smokeee!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another? (609): Haha how much did you smoke (570): 4 feet of smokeee! http://tfl.nu/eyp0
  Replies (20) Good night (3394) Bad night (534)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38400) Bad night (3070)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm... http://tfl.nu/bp9a
  Replies (40) Good night (5342) Bad night (1343) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
  Replies (35) Good night (29630) Bad night (1289) Order T-Shirt