Texts From Last Night

byrdman78's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought

  (1-315): View more from New York

  Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought (1-315): Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss http://tfl.nu/2a6b
  Replies (3) Good night (480) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls? http://tfl.nu/8cye
  Replies (11) Good night (214) Bad night (735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family. http://tfl.nu/nmso
  Replies (4) Good night (705) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then. http://tfl.nu/h2gd
  Replies (4) Good night (296) Bad night (276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me. http://tfl.nu/rp8b
  Replies (5) Good night (672) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Dude that's a hat trick!

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs. (1-616): Dude that's a hat trick! (616): I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out. http://tfl.nu/g50u
  Replies (8) Good night (1389) Bad night (162)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever.. http://tfl.nu/5ore
  Replies (6) Good night (484) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad. http://tfl.nu/iebd
  Replies (10) Good night (1633) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness http://tfl.nu/sk3k
  Replies (3) Good night (1305) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations. http://tfl.nu/h1dn
  Replies (2) Good night (716) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!

  (740): View more from Ohio

  And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed! (740): And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes http://tfl.nu/xgjj
  Replies (4) Good night (486) Bad night (210)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

  (269): View more from Michigan

  7) Noodle arms: engage

  (269): View more from Michigan

  The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): 1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all. (269): 7) Noodle arms: engage (269): The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right. http://tfl.nu/5w2m
  Replies (8) Good night (1188) Bad night (167)
• Favorite

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (931): I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand http://tfl.nu/pke8
  Replies (0) Good night (424) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard. http://tfl.nu/4gv4
  Replies (1) Good night (840) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day http://tfl.nu/3ryn
  Replies (3) Good night (384) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout. http://tfl.nu/l6bu
  Replies (4) Good night (649) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy. http://tfl.nu/wb79
  Replies (2) Good night (657) Bad night (405)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass http://tfl.nu/qd0r
  Replies (5) Good night (504) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break http://tfl.nu/8ihp
  Replies (4) Good night (540) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/4ub5
  Replies (16) Good night (2652) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious http://tfl.nu/wso0
  Replies (7) Good night (804) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard. http://tfl.nu/ybia
  Replies (17) Good night (2294) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down. http://tfl.nu/u8oc
  Replies (15) Good night (1026) Bad night (226) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.

  (323): View more from California

  Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god. (323): Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in http://tfl.nu/1gsf
  Replies (4) Good night (797) Bad night (218)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style. http://tfl.nu/g3nw
  Replies (3) Good night (969) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them. http://tfl.nu/c182
  Replies (8) Good night (732) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank http://tfl.nu/6bon
  Replies (6) Good night (352) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true? http://tfl.nu/qtx2
  Replies (13) Good night (2478) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you http://tfl.nu/oly8
  Replies (11) Good night (767) Bad night (1423)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough... http://tfl.nu/vkxi
  Replies (1) Good night (572) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it. http://tfl.nu/9g38
  Replies (0) Good night (611) Bad night (228)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me. http://tfl.nu/brt4
  Replies (5) Good night (880) Bad night (181)
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night. http://tfl.nu/alam
  Replies (6) Good night (1078) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  You are not an adult

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride. (416): You are not an adult http://tfl.nu/skb0
  Replies (2) Good night (1038) Bad night (205)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE. http://tfl.nu/pskj
  Replies (6) Good night (333) Bad night (1182) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  Pants off. Spirits lifted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): Pants off. Spirits lifted. http://tfl.nu/wzml
  Replies (2) Good night (781) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though. http://tfl.nu/tou6
  Replies (10) Good night (1572) Bad night (329)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I stole a bike. Here's a pic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight. (513): I stole a bike. Here's a pic http://tfl.nu/v50c
  Replies (10) Good night (3317) Bad night (830)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic. http://tfl.nu/bmqq
  Replies (11) Good night (1209) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before! http://tfl.nu/qmyv
  Replies (10) Good night (1895) Bad night (215)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN. http://tfl.nu/jkdc
  Replies (15) Good night (1469) Bad night (433)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover. http://tfl.nu/wwf5
  Replies (14) Good night (1197) Bad night (400)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end. http://tfl.nu/cc0x
  Replies (4) Good night (1084) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tj30
  Replies (4) Good night (699) Bad night (688)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home" http://tfl.nu/xfn6
  Replies (7) Good night (1238) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  BoomCity!!!

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): BoomCity!!! (1-937): You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong. http://tfl.nu/5msc
  Replies (10) Good night (2193) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence... http://tfl.nu/bv13
  Replies (7) Good night (315) Bad night (1697) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt http://tfl.nu/sk35
  Replies (4) Good night (992) Bad night (206) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (787): They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music http://tfl.nu/mg50
  Replies (9) Good night (1163) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing? http://tfl.nu/0fxz
  Replies (7) Good night (354) Bad night (803)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me. http://tfl.nu/eykr
  Replies (8) Good night (346) Bad night (1042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon. http://tfl.nu/3aco
  Replies (3) Good night (370) Bad night (1007) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke http://tfl.nu/7na0
  Replies (6) Good night (2398) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years? http://tfl.nu/xhbr
  Replies (3) Good night (1180) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims. http://tfl.nu/mqeu
  Replies (16) Good night (2230) Bad night (562)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep. http://tfl.nu/ua0k
  Replies (12) Good night (2374) Bad night (367)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief. http://tfl.nu/edfe
  Replies (3) Good night (891) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (445): We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing http://tfl.nu/ir7s
  Replies (6) Good night (836) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them. http://tfl.nu/t18i
  Replies (6) Good night (937) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love. http://tfl.nu/5pup
  Replies (6) Good night (851) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES (1-303): YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES http://tfl.nu/trz6
  Replies (9) Good night (2267) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad http://tfl.nu/cr01
  Replies (6) Good night (1636) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises. http://tfl.nu/mg1c
  Replies (6) Good night (942) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm
  Replies (3) Good night (1242) Bad night (349)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here. http://tfl.nu/svec
  Replies (6) Good night (693) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :( http://tfl.nu/bt8b
  Replies (2) Good night (701) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment. http://tfl.nu/ze3a
  Replies (3) Good night (1420) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  No shame in my game.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills. (320): No shame in my game. http://tfl.nu/4hn7
  Replies (4) Good night (1051) Bad night (333)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Way to promote small business.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business (314): Way to promote small business. http://tfl.nu/n30m
  Replies (3) Good night (1301) Bad night (213)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed. (1-716): Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money http://tfl.nu/8jhe
  Replies (8) Good night (2601) Bad night (288)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience. http://tfl.nu/a6s4
  Replies (5) Good night (1639) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing http://tfl.nu/zvza
  Replies (10) Good night (4045) Bad night (1326) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in. http://tfl.nu/k5k2
  Replies (11) Good night (2145) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools. (1-907): That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day. http://tfl.nu/rl6v
  Replies (5) Good night (1358) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/0ln2
  Replies (7) Good night (2390) Bad night (256)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close http://tfl.nu/i5mu
  Replies (3) Good night (1144) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  how did operation slutty penguin go?

  (619): View more from California

  pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): how did operation slutty penguin go? (619): pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter http://tfl.nu/uigh
  Replies (6) Good night (2495) Bad night (271)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles http://tfl.nu/20ya
  Replies (3) Good night (1406) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

  (209): View more from California

  Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now. (209): Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4. http://tfl.nu/hx3p
  Replies (9) Good night (1854) Bad night (581)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging. http://tfl.nu/wawj
  Replies (4) Good night (323) Bad night (742)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING http://tfl.nu/ds3l
  Replies (7) Good night (1193) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character http://tfl.nu/qsh8
  Replies (4) Good night (1399) Bad night (282) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy! http://tfl.nu/gv3p
  Replies (10) Good night (1081) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses. http://tfl.nu/2i38
  Replies (8) Good night (298) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work? http://tfl.nu/ejxj
  Replies (8) Good night (698) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/gexm
  Replies (5) Good night (387) Bad night (1262)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
  Replies (13) Good night (2778) Bad night (365)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?" http://tfl.nu/1kzs
  Replies (9) Good night (2394) Bad night (394)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard. http://tfl.nu/86r6
  Replies (19) Good night (1318) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey. http://tfl.nu/4jcm
  Replies (21) Good night (1238) Bad night (2225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway http://tfl.nu/917j
  Replies (16) Good night (1099) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey. http://tfl.nu/rdvv
  Replies (3) Good night (920) Bad night (313)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high. http://tfl.nu/waf9
  Replies (4) Good night (1494) Bad night (359)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal. http://tfl.nu/dcp1
  Replies (15) Good night (3032) Bad night (1766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed. http://tfl.nu/4uwe
  Replies (7) Good night (2390) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check http://tfl.nu/ivap
  Replies (4) Good night (677) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic http://tfl.nu/acyn
  Replies (6) Good night (4789) Bad night (680) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole. http://tfl.nu/jzio
  Replies (11) Good night (781) Bad night (2905) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
  Replies (10) Good night (3885) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT. (1-715): PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING. (1-715): I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little. http://tfl.nu/04tj
  Replies (15) Good night (1815) Bad night (384)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I love you football head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head. (1-773): I love you football head http://tfl.nu/y5ut
  Replies (7) Good night (2308) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess. http://tfl.nu/kvya
  Replies (7) Good night (1569) Bad night (350)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale http://tfl.nu/3k6s
  Replies (7) Good night (1690) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout. http://tfl.nu/vj0i
  Replies (6) Good night (4000) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning. http://tfl.nu/j239
  Replies (0) Good night (486) Bad night (917) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (325): View more from Texas

  I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (325): I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible. http://tfl.nu/vgf8
  Replies (2) Good night (419) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat. http://tfl.nu/hchn
  Replies (2) Good night (1049) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me. http://tfl.nu/t0zt
  Replies (4) Good night (2322) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny. http://tfl.nu/7jk5
  Replies (8) Good night (1666) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed. http://tfl.nu/7r2l
  Replies (10) Good night (2950) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation. http://tfl.nu/dzey
  Replies (5) Good night (2241) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him. http://tfl.nu/9uqa
  Replies (15) Good night (1956) Bad night (662)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is http://tfl.nu/znts
  Replies (1) Good night (1216) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke http://tfl.nu/n0vk
  Replies (3) Good night (819) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (44): View more from United Kingdom

  I think he just caught a duck in mid flight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (44): I think he just caught a duck in mid flight http://tfl.nu/qjp2
  Replies (15) Good night (1382) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs. http://tfl.nu/7b1r
  Replies (6) Good night (1386) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride. http://tfl.nu/wxrx
  Replies (6) Good night (1448) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence? http://tfl.nu/gb31
  Replies (6) Good night (1017) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes. http://tfl.nu/a6fu
  Replies (12) Good night (4892) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious. http://tfl.nu/2nhd
  Replies (4) Good night (600) Bad night (1401)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS http://tfl.nu/o0md
  Replies (2) Good night (957) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me. http://tfl.nu/c83j
  Replies (5) Good night (1157) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!! http://tfl.nu/n65x
  Replies (4) Good night (1040) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point. http://tfl.nu/899i
  Replies (4) Good night (1076) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

  (1-909): View more from California

  Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets. (1-909): Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon. http://tfl.nu/867u
  Replies (4) Good night (2139) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head http://tfl.nu/qmtv
  Replies (18) Good night (1204) Bad night (1693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting. http://tfl.nu/0atv
  Replies (10) Good night (419) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests. http://tfl.nu/12h2
  Replies (11) Good night (2626) Bad night (781)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism. http://tfl.nu/z92b
  Replies (13) Good night (1705) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy. http://tfl.nu/b383
  Replies (11) Good night (2171) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid http://tfl.nu/h9fh
  Replies (12) Good night (1531) Bad night (527)
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.

  (718): View more from New York

  Truth. Respect the hustle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess. (718): Truth. Respect the hustle. http://tfl.nu/ecql
  Replies (3) Good night (1563) Bad night (455)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6766) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle. (202): We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon http://tfl.nu/62rc
  Replies (6) Good night (1330) Bad night (371)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in? http://tfl.nu/nu3d
  Replies (11) Good night (949) Bad night (2709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend http://tfl.nu/09b0
  Replies (8) Good night (2030) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2 http://tfl.nu/rjqf
  Replies (5) Good night (1949) Bad night (433)
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope. http://tfl.nu/udjt
  Replies (3) Good night (978) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
  Replies (6) Good night (3599) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross http://tfl.nu/ueo2
  Replies (18) Good night (854) Bad night (2700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  SHUT IT DOWN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it." (1-480): SHUT IT DOWN. http://tfl.nu/mpc8
  Replies (58) Good night (546) Bad night (5399)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents. http://tfl.nu/knds
  Replies (9) Good night (3386) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  FUCK YOU MAN

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in? (1-717): FUCK YOU MAN http://tfl.nu/h049
  Replies (3) Good night (1515) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles. http://tfl.nu/gha2
  Replies (10) Good night (2402) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
  Replies (12) Good night (3091) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone. http://tfl.nu/jgmj
  Replies (21) Good night (2452) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester (1-508): Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B http://tfl.nu/rngn
  Replies (5) Good night (1502) Bad night (520)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9
  Replies (19) Good night (9418) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Who the fuck is this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake (1-561): Who the fuck is this http://tfl.nu/nqou
  Replies (13) Good night (4534) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation http://tfl.nu/t0q4
  Replies (14) Good night (1530) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall. http://tfl.nu/ht1g
  Replies (4) Good night (1080) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain. http://tfl.nu/iymf
  Replies (16) Good night (2993) Bad night (693)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by

  (256): View more from Alabama

  he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by (256): he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch http://tfl.nu/0lqj
  Replies (13) Good night (1899) Bad night (536)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.

  (310): View more from California

  now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!

  (310): View more from California

  whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy. (310):now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!! (310):whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea? http://tfl.nu/30gl
  Replies (9) Good night (516) Bad night (4540)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
  Replies (12) Good night (2708) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
  Replies (36) Good night (4785) Bad night (851)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire. http://tfl.nu/chwr
  Replies (11) Good night (720) Bad night (1024)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing. http://tfl.nu/xrfi
  Replies (26) Good night (1837) Bad night (1059) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better http://tfl.nu/3xhu
  Replies (6) Good night (504) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vjyg
  Replies (6) Good night (2082) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service

  (562): View more from California

  And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service (562): And I got $4 when somebody made it rain. http://tfl.nu/btbw
  Replies (4) Good night (2234) Bad night (868)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this. http://tfl.nu/akz0
  Replies (8) Good night (1836) Bad night (502)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag". (917): I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag. http://tfl.nu/7xie
  Replies (57) Good night (1193) Bad night (11220)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend. (701): The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer. http://tfl.nu/9cgs
  Replies (7) Good night (1998) Bad night (820)
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce. http://tfl.nu/gzhr
  Replies (7) Good night (633) Bad night (1881) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best. http://tfl.nu/fuew
  Replies (15) Good night (4506) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
  Replies (19) Good night (6735) Bad night (572)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded. http://tfl.nu/5fxu
  Replies (21) Good night (3645) Bad night (1762) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident. http://tfl.nu/lgcs
  Replies (27) Good night (4943) Bad night (598)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture. http://tfl.nu/g8h6
  Replies (30) Good night (5310) Bad night (1338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically http://tfl.nu/1zdp
  Replies (5) Good night (3844) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home. http://tfl.nu/9c0m
  Replies (4) Good night (954) Bad night (1951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green. http://tfl.nu/e68o
  Replies (13) Good night (4044) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
  Replies (32) Good night (9428) Bad night (1809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that. http://tfl.nu/nbo5
  Replies (27) Good night (743) Bad night (5456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you http://tfl.nu/vgld
  Replies (3) Good night (3310) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!? http://tfl.nu/nh7f
  Replies (39) Good night (8180) Bad night (730)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice! http://tfl.nu/fa1l
  Replies (7) Good night (3065) Bad night (483)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out http://tfl.nu/2vfe
  Replies (24) Good night (3496) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
  Replies (20) Good night (10258) Bad night (1012) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck. http://tfl.nu/5f0o
  Replies (24) Good night (9730) Bad night (1859)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution. http://tfl.nu/ms1p
  Replies (2) Good night (1687) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
  Replies (33) Good night (6159) Bad night (1094)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco. http://tfl.nu/49kl
  Replies (7) Good night (4101) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this. http://tfl.nu/dlh8
  Replies (9) Good night (2300) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out... http://tfl.nu/jne9
  Replies (5) Good night (2598) Bad night (817)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it http://tfl.nu/9cts
  Replies (37) Good night (11230) Bad night (664)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
  Replies (34) Good night (6789) Bad night (1722)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl
  Replies (13) Good night (5088) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired. http://tfl.nu/08pz
  Replies (4) Good night (755) Bad night (1859) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
  Replies (28) Good night (4839) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I am absolutely hammered

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now (248): I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!! (248): I am absolutely hammered http://tfl.nu/lexm
  Replies (2) Good night (1853) Bad night (620)
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up http://tfl.nu/h8cl
  Replies (14) Good night (5285) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
  Replies (17) Good night (6181) Bad night (597)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
  Replies (54) Good night (4905) Bad night (650)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot. http://tfl.nu/9z8d
  Replies (24) Good night (4375) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly
  Replies (5) Good night (3799) Bad night (502)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome. http://tfl.nu/fpao
  Replies (4) Good night (1634) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
  Replies (70) Good night (13310) Bad night (1354)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis" http://tfl.nu/6z4n
  Replies (29) Good night (12626) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen. http://tfl.nu/dzvp
  Replies (27) Good night (745) Bad night (3584) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk
  Replies (23) Good night (5952) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
  Replies (54) Good night (7774) Bad night (1621)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  wrigley field is MILF paradise

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): wrigley field is MILF paradise http://tfl.nu/g3u8
  Replies (6) Good night (1142) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning (780): I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk http://tfl.nu/o2k0
  Replies (17) Good night (2492) Bad night (871)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom. (702): Bro... we didn't even hang out last night?? http://tfl.nu/2ylu
  Replies (10) Good night (2041) Bad night (617)
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
  Replies (275) Good night (4050) Bad night (68257)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
  Replies (65) Good night (16406) Bad night (1149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  go home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy (203): go home http://tfl.nu/91uo
  Replies (28) Good night (6833) Bad night (865)
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (51225) Bad night (2583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  I just know... :) goodntight

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): I just know... :) goodntight (1-281): Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too. http://tfl.nu/kxmt
  Replies (17) Good night (3187) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE. http://tfl.nu/0o9o
  Replies (4) Good night (607) Bad night (1765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting http://tfl.nu/9m8j
  Replies (5) Good night (3809) Bad night (909) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me. http://tfl.nu/7p9m
  Replies (3) Good night (4283) Bad night (996) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it. http://tfl.nu/1dic
  Replies (9) Good night (3038) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
  Replies (35) Good night (13603) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted. http://tfl.nu/x30k
  Replies (12) Good night (3760) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all. http://tfl.nu/8vyn
  Replies (6) Good night (762) Bad night (2686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation http://tfl.nu/uyko
  Replies (106) Good night (5580) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
  Replies (59) Good night (6264) Bad night (862)
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment http://tfl.nu/9rz9
  Replies (9) Good night (4800) Bad night (1704)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY. http://tfl.nu/zzc9
  Replies (6) Good night (2946) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation. http://tfl.nu/5z11
  Replies (22) Good night (1348) Bad night (5231) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor. http://tfl.nu/leq0
  Replies (12) Good night (4078) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51680) Bad night (5687)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66701) Bad night (2995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86063) Bad night (8374)