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Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
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