Texts From Last Night

bowfishinlady's Favorites Texts:

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  (817): View more from Texas

  Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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  (817): Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it. http://tfl.nu/7l3r
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Is she still in your room?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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  (978): Is she still in your room? (1-978): Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature. http://tfl.nu/vxhf
  Replies (8) Good night (1824) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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  (229): He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb. http://tfl.nu/1qwr
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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  (651): I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen. http://tfl.nu/ant7
  Replies (9) Good night (2316) Bad night (423)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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  (219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell. http://tfl.nu/9drc
  Replies (19) Good night (1693) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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  (407): Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people. http://tfl.nu/19v1
  Replies (12) Good night (1693) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.

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  (205): I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos. http://tfl.nu/nbvf
  Replies (13) Good night (1749) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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  (772): Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible. http://tfl.nu/t50d
  Replies (10) Good night (1677) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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  (909): I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic. http://tfl.nu/3gxu
  Replies (2) Good night (594) Bad night (1169) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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  (703): When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond. http://tfl.nu/i1tf
  Replies (12) Good night (2481) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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  (925): Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night? (1-925): Come on man nobody wants to admit that http://tfl.nu/8oz0
  Replies (7) Good night (2876) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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  (850): when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children? http://tfl.nu/iefn
  Replies (26) Good night (1149) Bad night (5865) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
  Replies (126) Good night (22991) Bad night (1617) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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  (949): I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night? http://tfl.nu/3tox
  Replies (6) Good night (1814) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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  (914): Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls. http://tfl.nu/u1ub
  Replies (5) Good night (2901) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6785) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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  (413): you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure http://tfl.nu/kagu
  Replies (6) Good night (3244) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
  Replies (15) Good night (6291) Bad night (788)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.

  (-1816): View more from

  Probably is probably an understatement.

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  (816): It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister. (-1816): Probably is probably an understatement. http://tfl.nu/hxbu
  Replies (9) Good night (2343) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"

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  (815): my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway" http://tfl.nu/9cdg
  Replies (36) Good night (3543) Bad night (811)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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  (647): A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe". http://tfl.nu/rgh4
  Replies (6) Good night (1181) Bad night (1873) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
  Replies (34) Good night (6820) Bad night (1741)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
  Replies (17) Good night (4497) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
  Replies (7) Good night (2763) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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  (410): Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style. http://tfl.nu/gn5p
  Replies (9) Good night (3433) Bad night (953) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.

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  (705): I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation. http://tfl.nu/brj2
  Replies (6) Good night (871) Bad night (1725) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
  Replies (3) Good night (3910) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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  (807): If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right http://tfl.nu/lb7z
  Replies (3) Good night (3838) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

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  (937): I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality? http://tfl.nu/z0do
  Replies (11) Good night (2649) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

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  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
  Replies (14) Good night (11474) Bad night (1175) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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  (662): Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/exim
  Replies (6) Good night (2605) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night

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  (613): Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night http://tfl.nu/c7ii
  Replies (15) Good night (1018) Bad night (2152) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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  (413): Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question. http://tfl.nu/3n7q
  Replies (7) Good night (2978) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

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  (504): So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back. http://tfl.nu/rbde
  Replies (9) Good night (1038) Bad night (4024) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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  (231): I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon. http://tfl.nu/pf2r
  Replies (21) Good night (7038) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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  (734): we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas (810): I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick" http://tfl.nu/jn94
  Replies (9) Good night (3648) Bad night (1382)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Call meee

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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  (603): Call meee (781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now... http://tfl.nu/j06g
  Replies (3) Good night (1627) Bad night (409)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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  (402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card. http://tfl.nu/3ttc
  Replies (39) Good night (1389) Bad night (4740) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
  Replies (20) Good night (11479) Bad night (1044)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (8058) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.

  (210): View more from Texas

  i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.

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  (210): life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass" (570): hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge. (210): i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you. http://tfl.nu/8941
  Replies (23) Good night (5464) Bad night (1637)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
  Replies (90) Good night (2395) Bad night (22924) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14725) Bad night (1278) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

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  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
  Replies (26) Good night (9621) Bad night (995)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  I'll google it

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  (908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time (1-908): I'll google it http://tfl.nu/bsan
  Replies (22) Good night (4945) Bad night (1580) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck the hobbit

  (301): View more from Maryland

  what about unicorns?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck those pointy horses

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  (732): fuck the hobbit (301): what about unicorns? (732): fuck those pointy horses http://tfl.nu/k7om
  Replies (9) Good night (2557) Bad night (621)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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  (305): Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that. http://tfl.nu/r17f
  Replies (41) Good night (821) Bad night (4344) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  six.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh, I thought it was higher.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  No, that would be the Matt's

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  (904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg
  Replies (33) Good night (6601) Bad night (1415)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
  Replies (16) Good night (8468) Bad night (1199) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

  (510): View more from California

  big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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  (925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0
  Replies (11) Good night (6393) Bad night (1007)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
  Replies (16) Good night (7523) Bad night (967)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (2195) Bad night (7738) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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  (218): If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me http://tfl.nu/kwsp
  Replies (9) Good night (7333) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73542) Bad night (2506) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65499) Bad night (3464)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dont have a dog?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  WTF

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  (774): im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it (508): I dont have a dog? (774): WTF http://tfl.nu/8rlm
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  (408): View more from California

  I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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  (408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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  (780): he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem. http://tfl.nu/ak11
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  How come twittering sounds sexual?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Because of Bambi.

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  (609): How come twittering sounds sexual? (267): Because of Bambi. http://tfl.nu/cgx2
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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  (613): the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek http://tfl.nu/bytn
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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  (913): I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick. http://tfl.nu/xsrx
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  (863): View more from Florida

  We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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  (863): We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits. http://tfl.nu/7sfp
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  (206): View more from Washington

  put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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  (206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties http://tfl.nu/njvs
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
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  (646): View more from New York

  My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...

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  (646): My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play... http://tfl.nu/zidw
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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  (978): so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo http://tfl.nu/rg6x
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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  (256): A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality http://tfl.nu/65cw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

  (305): View more from Florida

  Did you save them?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who?

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  (404): Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning. (305): Did you save them? (404): Who? http://tfl.nu/1xdf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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  (508): Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after http://tfl.nu/akdp
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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  (619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe. http://tfl.nu/jto0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

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  (214): It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire. http://tfl.nu/v2n0
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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  (202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia http://tfl.nu/7fa5
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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  (504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl http://tfl.nu/0j8b
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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  (404): Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/akrg
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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  (248): Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on? http://tfl.nu/rmsb
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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  (336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll http://tfl.nu/6m63
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  (727): View more from Florida

  It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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  (727): It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics. http://tfl.nu/z8vb
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Come on the kid is gayer than me

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt

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  (757): Come on the kid is gayer than me (757): Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt http://tfl.nu/ov34
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fuckk wrong person

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  .. who was that for? a girlscout?

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  (860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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  (208): His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood. http://tfl.nu/55rt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on

  (384): View more from

  How come?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message

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  (312): You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on (384): How come? (312): Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message http://tfl.nu/r9u6
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Pants 0. Shit 1.

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  (269): Pants 0. Shit 1. http://tfl.nu/y752
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  (845): View more from New York

  so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....

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  (845): so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again.... http://tfl.nu/lj9p
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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  (519): I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat. http://tfl.nu/eo6a
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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  (814): Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight? (1-814): I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me. http://tfl.nu/ovto
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich

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  (773): Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich http://tfl.nu/iski
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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  (203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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  (330): Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around. http://tfl.nu/7cdc
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.

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  (713): I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't. http://tfl.nu/hscn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (818): View more from California

  im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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  (818): im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically. http://tfl.nu/np2a
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

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  (917): My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star. http://tfl.nu/572f
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  (210): View more from Texas

  spencer pratt says his family invinted chess

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.

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  (210): spencer pratt says his family invinted chess (1-210): that kid is like the al gore of hollywood. http://tfl.nu/qms6
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  (661): View more from California

  I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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  (661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry." http://tfl.nu/yxdf
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  (661): View more from California

  Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

  (831): View more from California

  Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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  (661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC (831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown. http://tfl.nu/up2g
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  (805): View more from California

  before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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  (805): before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was. http://tfl.nu/5vrd
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.

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  (316): sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe. http://tfl.nu/nxxv
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Your an asshole

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

  (954): View more from Florida

  My point exactly

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  (954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly http://tfl.nu/txzi
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Nice meating you last night

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Not a typo

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  (843): Nice meating you last night (843): Not a typo http://tfl.nu/icxk
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  No...more like a life jacket.

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  (603): Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet? (1-603): No...more like a life jacket. http://tfl.nu/4uwt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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  (203): When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you. http://tfl.nu/1g0q
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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  (859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I love tequila.

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  (902): WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?! (1-902): I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey. (1-902): I love tequila. http://tfl.nu/s92h
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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  (319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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  (517): last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet?? http://tfl.nu/wkxa
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And they lived happily ever after....

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  (815): We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal... (847): And they lived happily ever after.... http://tfl.nu/htue
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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  (774): What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling http://tfl.nu/ijkr
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

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  (704): I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this? http://tfl.nu/q6uf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (707): View more from California

  Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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  (707): Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo. http://tfl.nu/dtd1
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

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  (407): I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like http://tfl.nu/v7ql
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.

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  (218): Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job. http://tfl.nu/1e2u
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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  (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??

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  (361): Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture?? http://tfl.nu/iimu
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  (818): View more from California

  got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

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  (818): got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night http://tfl.nu/zxc1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

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  (480): With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality. http://tfl.nu/1pex
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry

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  (734): He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry http://tfl.nu/nl2p
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