Texts From Last Night · bmiller21480's Favorites

bmiller21480's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(423): View more from Tennessee

I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.

Fav 6 672 1454
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

Fav 11 3371 1301
share tweet

(865): View more from Tennessee

You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

Fav 8 1488 653
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

Fav 9 2912 1494
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5270 1145
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

But theres a keg here and me gusta

Fav 6 1548 795
share tweet

(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

Fav 23 3329 1593
share tweet

(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

Fav 29 5433 1973
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6939 1202
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(206): View more from Washington

Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.

Fav 5 1249 778
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Some girl just showed me her stretch marks

(757): View more from Virginia

You need to get out of tn

Fav 7 760 1802
share tweet

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

Fav 43 2768 7904
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

Fav 28 4227 1170
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

Fav 4 2891 1272
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

Fav 2 1267 825
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

Fav 17 2024 5957
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

Fav 34 3571 10371
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

Fav 27 3719 5577
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

Fav 4 2178 1241
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

Fav 22 4016 2135
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

Fav 9 4612 1880
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

Fav 7 3624 1170
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

Fav 22 7692 1469
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

Fav 11 3384 884
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.

Fav 6 1974 770
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

Fav 49 9823 1847
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

Fav 21 1763 5625
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?

Fav 6 1348 714
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

Fav 4 2241 776
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.

Fav 8 2254 1169
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

Fav 12 3666 1152
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

Fav 155 8470 2921
share tweet
(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

Fav 8 1900 746
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7668 1361
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

Fav 6 1918 1246
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

Fav 11 3005 1068
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

Fav 4 2309 3403
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.

(509): View more from Washington

Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.

Fav 3 1195 731
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

Fav 5 1418 768
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9150 1824
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.

Fav 4 1284 777
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus

Fav 5 1625 856
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

Fav 8 5651 1404
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.

Fav 4 1307 733
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

Fav 11 3347 1124
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

Fav 57 17723 1660
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

Fav 24 2421 4896
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

Fav 12 4201 1517
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

Fav 15 4292 1404
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

Fav 15 4882 1474
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

Fav 37 5580 1137
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Fav 58 17154 4133
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

Fav 9 3501 1025
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.

(231): View more from Michigan

The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter

Fav 10 797 2055
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14192 1978
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29985 1753
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

Fav 14 5108 1102
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

Fav 17 5355 1199
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

Fav 21 5242 899
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9127 1252
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

Fav 13 1033 1912
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

Fav 16 6779 1403
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

Fav 4 2817 822
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

Fav 8 2280 930
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

Fav 8 1479 1951
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just left the emergency room. condom extraction.

Fav 30 1345 11417
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

Fav 2 3293 1155
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.

Fav 11 2499 886
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

Fav 11 1796 6284
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

Fav 20 6303 1179
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

Fav 11 2389 971
share tweet
(108): View more from

Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly

Fav 6 2761 858
share tweet
(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

Fav 9 6192 1396
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

Fav 12 4024 1312
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

Fav 9 1961 942
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Fav 14 8755 1363
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

Fav 4 1358 1541
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

Fav 34 5735 1707
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7477 1281
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

Fav 13 3951 2120
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?

Fav 5 2092 1097
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now

Fav 28 2472 1379
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

Fav 18 1487 7829
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

Fav 15 5435 1264
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

Fav 22 6728 1542
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

Fav 9 2602 988
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4766 1256
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7595 1592
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

Fav 40 2127 4438
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

Fav 30 6436 1259
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

Fav 28 7455 1777
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

Fav 28 2788 976
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.

Fav 12 4867 1072
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

yes

(601): View more from Mississippi

did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?

Fav 13 5156 1184
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

Fav 12 6161 1585
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

Fav 13 1248 3002
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

Fav 15 5179 1158
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

Fav 17 6772 1623
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear

Fav 6 2336 1665
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

Fav 14 5820 1564
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

Fav 35 2106 5702
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

Fav 34 5642 2507
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8142 1693
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

Fav 41 8975 2977
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

Fav 22 4839 1053
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

Fav 18 5729 1586
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

Fav 15 3804 994
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

Fav 19 1125 1516
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

Fav 10 5994 1248
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

Fav 35 4682 1414
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

Fav 16 1576 5124
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 9 1595 2424
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

Fav 8 3155 1033
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

Fav 9 3866 1099
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo

Fav 5 2887 1256
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

Fav 13 4211 1450
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.

Fav 6 2868 949
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

Fav 36 2312 1345
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

Fav 14 9858 1069
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out

(1-917): View more from New York City

We've been saying that since '98

Fav 6 1584 721
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

Fav 12 5340 1386
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

Fav 52 1720 6565
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

Fav 17 4805 909
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.

Fav 2 1835 1100
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46055 2514
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

Fav 16 2761 3162
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

Fav 73 11415 1985
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

Fav 14 3063 841
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"

Fav 14 1629 3528
share tweet
(264): View more from Anguilla

I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.

Fav 9 2268 1034
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

Fav 6 3137 973
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15614 1659
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10875 1421
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!

Fav 15 4798 1116
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

Fav 43 1683 4335
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53648 6690
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you

Fav 11 1567 1122
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

Fav 22 5114 1227
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

Fav 5 3910 1063
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well... this vagina won't eat itself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina

Fav 16 836 2116
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

Fav 106 7123 1282
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.

Fav 6 972 1377
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

Fav 21 1681 5081
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

Fav 39 3556 996
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

Fav 8 1716 854
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26628 1757
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

Fav 22 5639 1129
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6767 1617
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

Fav 7 2195 947
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

Fav 57 1687 7170
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

Fav 6 3487 2189
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20577 2709
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

Fav 11 3611 1261
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17660 1748
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13247 2049
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

Fav 10 4689 1393
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.

Fav 6 1556 966
share tweet
(916): View more from California

But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.

Fav 2 1232 1767
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me

Fav 39 1084 4800
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

Fav 5 3225 1369
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.

Fav 22 4336 1487
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life

Fav 11 5529 994
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

please come you make the beer taste better

Fav 16 5062 945
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

Fav 7 6036 1502
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

Fav 46 1488 4922
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

Fav 7 5091 1251
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7787 1512
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

Fav 19 5334 1639
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

Fav 14 5309 1250
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

Fav 21 5589 1285
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

Fav 33 6452 1217
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.

Fav 56 1110 5141
share tweet
(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

Fav 72 5800 1019
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!

Fav 8 1121 1729
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

Fav 24 2352 4334
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

Fav 5 929 3524
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!

Fav 9 1110 2538
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

Fav 10 2106 1146
share tweet
(925): View more from California

First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.

Fav 91 1039 10164
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

Fav 14 1412 5197
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

Fav 12 1634 3927
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

Fav 11 4072 1181
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now

Fav 27 5406 1177
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

Fav 7 3377 945
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

Fav 15 4339 1736
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

Fav 20 3282 4286
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.

Fav 16 1396 2679
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.

(540): View more from Virginia

Ew, and?!

(703): View more from Virginia

Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.

Fav 36 1277 8079
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

Fav 61 2154 11566
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

Fav 19 1744 5891
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

Fav 21 6969 1166
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

Fav 7 3366 977
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26483 2345
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

Fav 7 3914 1116
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

Fav 9 2044 3591
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

story of my life.

Fav 29 1663 4391
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

Fav 15 9005 1563
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9938 2303
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

Fav 101 1937 4900
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i have a food baby... i think its a boy...

Fav 20 1600 4304
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

Fav 7 4954 1377
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

vagina is talking i cant

Fav 37 3946 1372
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

Fav 16 6295 2284
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

Fav 17 2937 1187
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

Fav 20 5838 1255
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

Fav 8 4084 914
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

Fav 51 7045 1166
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4020 1552
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

Fav 25 5658 1522
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

Fav 6 3742 1879
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

Fav 6 2352 1949
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

Fav 17 5665 1500
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

Fav 12 5537 2081
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

Fav 20 11117 1675
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15245 2555
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

Fav 5 5065 1227
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i really like this girl i slept with last night

(202): View more from Washington, DC

you ask her out again?

(703): View more from Virginia

yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

Fav 7 3110 2640
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

Fav 12 2448 1268
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

Fav 16 1531 8192
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

Fav 13 2199 4124
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

Fav 2 2159 1410
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore

Fav 37 5882 2448
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59114 5672
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75091 3007
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

Fav 13 4642 1546
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12693 1528
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

Fav 5 1405 1716
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

Fav 77 7434 1593
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14362 1969
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.

Fav 28 4601 1028
share tweet
(831): View more from California

my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.

Fav 14 3376 743
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

Fav 12 1950 4975
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.

Fav 12 2616 1031
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

Fav 18 4645 1319
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

Fav 16 1865 6732
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

Fav 9 4119 1648
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

Fav 32 12670 1914
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

Fav 4 3121 1710
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

Fav 29 6281 1614
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

Fav 14 5389 1092
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Fav 51 5522 934
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

Fav 40 9345 1139
share tweet
(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

Fav 23 6492 1834
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

Fav 19 4478 1542
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5457 5325
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.

Fav 48 1306 3112
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

Fav 63 1696 10076
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

Fav 24 2935 980
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

Fav 31 1421 5213
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

Fav 24 7713 1404
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

Fav 3 3088 1148
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

Fav 3 3497 1180
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?

Fav 137 1021 2982
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

Fav 24 5676 1340
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

Fav 12 5648 1331
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

After last night, I could never be a politician.

Fav 11 1596 733
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

Fav 6 3042 1219
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

Fav 10 5822 1611
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

Fav 5 1732 1057
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

Fav 19 4792 1193
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my vagina has a 5:00 shadow

Fav 32 1017 4446
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

Fav 23 8695 1999
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

Fav 45 7926 1430
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

Fav 16 9970 1746
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

Fav 8 2232 1079
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.

Fav 10 961 3555
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious

Fav 37 5263 958
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

Fav 18 4219 1363
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8902 1451
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

Fav 16 2146 6157
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

Fav 8 2862 1620
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

yes

(703): View more from Virginia

... don't judge me

Fav 20 4292 1256
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

Fav 18 4521 1430
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

Fav 6 7149 1499
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.

Fav 2 2690 813
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

Fav 53 7809 2820
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17403 3207
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

Fav 19 6064 2038
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.

Fav 69 6018 1452
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

Fav 37 6808 1776
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

Fav 34 4925 1607
share tweet
(949): View more from California

My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.

Fav 11 3529 1471
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

Fav 14 4758 1229
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

Fav 18 5837 1080
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

Fav 5 1936 1419
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

Fav 9 1751 2544
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers

Fav 3 2437 1509
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

Fav 16 3650 840
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

Fav 8 2872 1038
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

Fav 26 1723 6031
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

Fav 86 7762 2090
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.

Fav 83 4194 1474
share tweet
(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

Fav 29 6490 1162
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

Fav 19 3588 1119
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.

Fav 4 2214 984
share tweet
(530): View more from California

i'm lost and i look like a hooker

Fav 18 1708 4224
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed

Fav 21 5387 1209
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

Fav 8 1553 3178
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

Fav 64 4053 5637
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend

Fav 9 4775 1355
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

Fav 62 7812 1223
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

Fav 19 2368 7358
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

Fav 24 4910 1433
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

Fav 12 3610 1145
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

Fav 34 5382 1313
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

Fav 9 2558 1034
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5442 6820
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

Fav 2 4534 1440
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"

Fav 21 962 4413
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

Fav 6 3191 1171
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands

Fav 14 4834 1661
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.

Fav 15 3179 1780
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

Fav 6 5972 1384
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

Fav 21 5358 1485
share tweet