Texts From Last Night · blarewitch2012's Favorites

blarewitch2012's Favorites Texts:

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(+61): View more from Australia

The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.

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(562): View more from California

I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(903): View more from Texas

And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention

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(817): View more from Texas

When was the last time you wore pants?

(214): View more from Texas

Time is relative.

(214): View more from Texas

And pants are optional.

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(917): View more from New York City

I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(708): View more from Illinois

There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

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(415): View more from California

Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles

(907): View more from Alaska

How do you keep ending up in these situations?

(415): View more from California

My dad is their accountant

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.

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(607): View more from New York

Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.

(360): View more from Washington

Welcome to Bellingham.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(951): View more from California

Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.

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(248): View more from Michigan

okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'

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(613): View more from Ontario

IM WEARING A FLAG

(1-613): View more from Ontario

So that's a no to the clothes then

(613): View more from Ontario

FLAG

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(916): View more from California

On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome

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(407): View more from Florida

When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(310): View more from California

Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

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(253): View more from Washington

she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

(206): View more from Washington

so that's what that room is for...

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(707): View more from California

They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(705): View more from Ontario

you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"

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(915): View more from Texas

God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(585): View more from New York

we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT

(1-585): View more from New York

Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.

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(269): View more from Michigan

When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(207): View more from Maine

My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.

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(409): View more from Texas

There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): View more from Texas

It's 2 pm....

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(513): View more from Ohio

People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

YES.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(440): View more from Ohio

At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."

(216): View more from Ohio

Valid question

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(213): View more from California

Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.

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(214): View more from Texas

YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD

(469): View more from Texas

My thighs feel like glass

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(301): View more from Maryland

Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(+49): View more from Germany

I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(713): View more from Texas

That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(845): View more from New York

I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?

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(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Are you high?

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(703): View more from Virginia

yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(419): View more from Ohio

WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(205): View more from Alabama

Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just can't deal with that sentence

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.

(303): View more from Colorado

Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?

(707): View more from California

...did you eat that brownie?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

Are you goin to rehab again?

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(916): View more from California

Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(719): View more from Colorado

As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I will give you all my nachos to make this happen

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?

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(251): View more from Alabama

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.

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(224): View more from Illinois

you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(+55): View more from

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(661): View more from California

I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(707): View more from California

drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.

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(514): View more from Quebec

the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

(514): View more from Quebec

what does alcohol mean

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

Yes and yes

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(586): View more from Michigan

On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes

(586): View more from Michigan

I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(540): View more from Virginia

how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

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(+79): View more from

You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Was who let the dogs out playing?

(708): View more from Illinois

Ya. You started barking when it ended

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(716): View more from New York

Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".

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(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus

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(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking too much free beer

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(607): View more from New York

Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(407): View more from Florida

Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(819): View more from Quebec

The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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