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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When did angry sex become our thing?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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