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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i've created a new STD.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
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