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At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Fuck appropriateness.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
two words: eviction party
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
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