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I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I will pee on everything he values.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
ttyl tear gas
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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