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she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I will be naked everywhere
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's never too late to be topless.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we're making bets on your personal life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
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