Texts From Last Night

amos11's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon http://tfl.nu/se3x
  Replies (9) Good night (1902) Bad night (234)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Basically.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god. (1-918): Basically. http://tfl.nu/nlil
  Replies (8) Good night (2587) Bad night (251)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned. http://tfl.nu/e67l
  Replies (9) Good night (1216) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her." http://tfl.nu/whil
  Replies (10) Good night (1513) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??" http://tfl.nu/7nog
  Replies (6) Good night (733) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (12) Good night (3800) Bad night (634)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist. http://tfl.nu/dze0
  Replies (10) Good night (1524) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers http://tfl.nu/tkru
  Replies (6) Good night (1603) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even http://tfl.nu/5199
  Replies (17) Good night (2247) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
  Replies (13) Good night (3262) Bad night (595)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis. http://tfl.nu/jvao
  Replies (27) Good night (3772) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood. http://tfl.nu/ktz5
  Replies (4) Good night (1754) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4702) Bad night (558)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect http://tfl.nu/4whi
  Replies (4) Good night (5232) Bad night (755)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
  Replies (25) Good night (10950) Bad night (781)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends. http://tfl.nu/11t7
  Replies (21) Good night (650) Bad night (2305) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station http://tfl.nu/tet7
  Replies (15) Good night (3597) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful. http://tfl.nu/5n8j
  Replies (7) Good night (1715) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb. http://tfl.nu/1qwr
  Replies (5) Good night (1884) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke. (1-978): Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting. http://tfl.nu/cqts
  Replies (11) Good night (3425) Bad night (577)
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
  Replies (18) Good night (2429) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth http://tfl.nu/7ynn
  Replies (12) Good night (1785) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (4200) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake. http://tfl.nu/mhbs
  Replies (14) Good night (1058) Bad night (1646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety http://tfl.nu/edsh
  Replies (10) Good night (3244) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again. http://tfl.nu/5erg
  Replies (18) Good night (2521) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std? http://tfl.nu/jhp0
  Replies (16) Good night (1269) Bad night (3161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God http://tfl.nu/m4vw
  Replies (3) Good night (2126) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (41) Good night (7976) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect. http://tfl.nu/cd2m
  Replies (4) Good night (2929) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Stop drinking at work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit" (308): Stop drinking at work. http://tfl.nu/v2m5
  Replies (8) Good night (3382) Bad night (717)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v
  Replies (12) Good night (2843) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): She said she didn't have time to shave "there" (617): Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster. http://tfl.nu/ama3
  Replies (58) Good night (743) Bad night (4547)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice! http://tfl.nu/fa1l
  Replies (7) Good night (3065) Bad night (483)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/ma3l
  Replies (5) Good night (1876) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver. http://tfl.nu/plce
  Replies (8) Good night (2076) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight. http://tfl.nu/8jy4
  Replies (4) Good night (1468) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4
  Replies (38) Good night (5765) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

  (1-914): View more from New York

  He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85% (1-914): He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal http://tfl.nu/wtvm
  Replies (15) Good night (2162) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
  Replies (21) Good night (4678) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
  Replies (12) Good night (3281) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life. http://tfl.nu/pg4a
  Replies (2) Good night (808) Bad night (2820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b. http://tfl.nu/ahce
  Replies (17) Good night (3978) Bad night (1613) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  wow, that really makes you stop and think.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys (1-804): wow, that really makes you stop and think. http://tfl.nu/7oma
  Replies (11) Good night (1193) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

  (1-209): View more from California

  yes...dear jesus what did you do?

  (209): View more from California

  bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers? (1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do? (209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off. http://tfl.nu/27hf
  Replies (56) Good night (4690) Bad night (725)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73364) Bad night (2463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on.... http://tfl.nu/te8z
  Replies (67) Good night (1734) Bad night (7261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
  Replies (10) Good night (5925) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison. http://tfl.nu/ax4a
  Replies (13) Good night (2382) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk. http://tfl.nu/6bmy
  Replies (28) Good night (6714) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
  Replies (11) Good night (8315) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock http://tfl.nu/9mlf
  Replies (9) Good night (6347) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink." http://tfl.nu/8gq0
  Replies (25) Good night (3460) Bad night (6046) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later? http://tfl.nu/a1oo
  Replies (18) Good night (6083) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot http://tfl.nu/gw1u
  Replies (378) Good night (1925) Bad night (53569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything. http://tfl.nu/zym5
  Replies (71) Good night (607) Bad night (2745) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed. http://tfl.nu/yc3l
  Replies (19) Good night (852) Bad night (2631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that. http://tfl.nu/304s
  Replies (89) Good night (13753) Bad night (1059) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/6dfu
  Replies (25) Good night (7135) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable http://tfl.nu/6hw3
  Replies (32) Good night (988) Bad night (1665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them. http://tfl.nu/uwdn
  Replies (25) Good night (3248) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it. http://tfl.nu/g3nc
  Replies (19) Good night (5764) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME http://tfl.nu/dcck
  Replies (5) Good night (1168) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance. http://tfl.nu/csuc
  Replies (178) Good night (3951) Bad night (779)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  booty call

  (925): View more from California

  i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): booty call (925): i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy. http://tfl.nu/xuna
  Replies (60) Good night (1061) Bad night (5786)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
  Replies (26) Good night (8896) Bad night (1133) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Actions speak louder than pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3
  Replies (12) Good night (4916) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer? http://tfl.nu/g4aq
  Replies (34) Good night (1656) Bad night (5823) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
  Replies (59) Good night (14855) Bad night (1929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
  Replies (48) Good night (7489) Bad night (1959) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
  Replies (12) Good night (9453) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
  Replies (53) Good night (10534) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5
  Replies (13) Good night (5040) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
  Replies (27) Good night (8798) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

  (212): View more from New York

  Vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type? (212): Vagina http://tfl.nu/du5r
  Replies (9) Good night (2080) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9
  Replies (19) Good night (9418) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is http://tfl.nu/mseg
  Replies (21) Good night (4426) Bad night (946) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night http://tfl.nu/ky4c
  Replies (5) Good night (4284) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people. http://tfl.nu/d8wc
  Replies (24) Good night (7217) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning http://tfl.nu/ufvh
  Replies (54) Good night (1872) Bad night (3777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

  (703): View more from Virginia

  this can't be going anywhere good

  (571): View more from Virginia

  nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah.. (703): this can't be going anywhere good (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\ http://tfl.nu/4i13
  Replies (196) Good night (1770) Bad night (26509)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
  Replies (65) Good night (13417) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive. http://tfl.nu/yffe
  Replies (19) Good night (4731) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62246) Bad night (4266)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  tonight, alcohol would be proud of us

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): tonight, alcohol would be proud of us http://tfl.nu/7h3d
  Replies (10) Good night (4911) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
  Replies (29) Good night (6936) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid. http://tfl.nu/ga4m
  Replies (30) Good night (5964) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/thtn
  Replies (30) Good night (7896) Bad night (1106)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/ql7e
  Replies (19) Good night (4254) Bad night (1932) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac
  Replies (36) Good night (6822) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
  Replies (57) Good night (1578) Bad night (20652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me. http://tfl.nu/tzej
  Replies (9) Good night (5107) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
  Replies (91) Good night (21444) Bad night (2995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  ru fi oooo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang (1-617): ru fi oooo http://tfl.nu/syl6
  Replies (71) Good night (5054) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar. http://tfl.nu/n52w
  Replies (42) Good night (8544) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab. http://tfl.nu/smzr
  Replies (7) Good night (1768) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
  Replies (18) Good night (911) Bad night (1514)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus http://tfl.nu/il4r
  Replies (12) Good night (876) Bad night (1119) Order T-Shirt