Texts From Last Night · alorax3's Favorites

alorax3's Favorites Texts:

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(903): View more from Texas

Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I find this completely acceptable.

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(815): View more from Illinois

Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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(315): View more from New York

in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(916): View more from California

Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(614): View more from Ohio

over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?

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(845): View more from New York

No more Irish car bombs ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(205): View more from Alabama

Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt

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(585): View more from New York

Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history

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(352): View more from Florida

there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(210): View more from Texas

I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up

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(630): View more from Illinois

I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

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(586): View more from Michigan

i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

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(512): View more from Texas

he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

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(863): View more from Florida

UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.

(863): View more from Florida

Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least you don't cum in color.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories

(239): View more from Florida

He could rock you to sleep

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!

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(207): View more from Maine

you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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(207): View more from Maine

it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii

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(207): View more from Maine

I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring

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(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(207): View more from Maine

Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...

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(207): View more from Maine

there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(207): View more from Maine

hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.

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(207): View more from Maine

Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.

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(207): View more from Maine

in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask

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(207): View more from Maine

I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

(207): View more from Maine

OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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(207): View more from Maine

Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS

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(207): View more from Maine

do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?

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(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(207): View more from Maine

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

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(207): View more from Maine

You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.

(207): View more from Maine

sorry im really high

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(207): View more from Maine

I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.

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(207): View more from Maine

there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers

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(207): View more from Maine

Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.

(1-207): View more from Maine

I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...

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(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

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(207): View more from Maine

I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

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(207): View more from Maine

I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?

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(207): View more from Maine

If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

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(207): View more from Maine

We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(207): View more from Maine

saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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