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The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
youre lurking in front of me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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