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thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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