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Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he puts the penis in happiness.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Are my feet made of real feet?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
dude i'm inner monologue high
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
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